Husband called me abusive

[toodamnhot2025]

Name changed. I'm so upset. Husband has been an absolute grumpy bastard of late and I feel like I'm constantly treading on eggshells. This morning something completely innocuous caused him to bite my head off. I got frustrated and said I was fed up of his constant grumpiness. Ended up raising my voice because he then refuses to engage if I bite back. Literally acts like I haven't even spoken and blanks me. Because I got frustrated with him and shouted, he called me abusive. This isn't the first time he's said that to me.

I feel like I'm going mad. I either ignore the constant bad mood to keep the peace, or I get accused of being abusive? I genuinely think he thinks I'm in the wrong. I can't have a reasonable conversation with him because he turns it all back on me.

He just tried to make amends. 'I don't mean to piss you off.' This is always his line. But when I try to engage and have a conversation about it, it all blows up again. He starts acting the victim. 'I can't cope with you shouting at me, I find it a form of abuse.' 'I can't cope when you say you can't live like this any more. You always make threats.'

How can I express to him that I'm at the end of my tether and I can't keep doing this? Every attempt at a sensible conversation gets turned back on me. I honestly don't know what to do.

If you can’t or won’t leave him,
grey rock is going to be your only way forward. It’s a horrible way to spend life, but I get it - my dad is exactly like this, (dangerous driving and all) my mom won’t leave for financial reasons. So on they go, in their 80’s now.

grey rock. But it’s hard to give him no words & no energy, attention or emotion when he’s driving dangerously.

@toodamnhot2025 "I doubt it's OW he's not the type at all."

OP, there is no "type". All men are capable of being unfaithful. My DH was so far removed from "the type" that I would have bet a trillion pounds and my life on it. He liked real ale, cricket, gardening and talking about DIY with other men. Guess what, after 26 years of a pretty happy marriage I discovered he'd been messaging another woman for nearly a year. That's why, during that year, he had started to talk to me like dirt to the extent I thought I was going mad.

This. Look up reactive abuse op because this is what he is doing to you

How can I express to him that I'm at the end of my tether and I can't keep doing this?
You have already tried using a million different ways and multiple words. He will never "hear" you. Never. Why? Because he knows it fucks you up tying yourself in knots and he enjoys watching you fail.

Every attempt at a sensible conversation gets turned back on me.
Classic DARVO. Every abusive man does this. Look it up.

I honestly don't know what to do.
There is nothing, I repeat absolutely nothing, you can do to change things only he can and he doesn't want to change permanently, there's no fun for him that way. He will change just enough for a couple of weeks to keep you in his grasp then he will headfuck you some more.

So that leaves you with two options:
Stay, and continue to have your soul sucked dry and you no longer recognise yourself, or you make plans to leave and find peace and happiness.

By the way driving dangerously is designed to cause you fear. For yourself, for others, and for the dog. It gives him a secret thrill to scare the dog. How does it feel living with a cruel animal abuser?

In the meantime get a dog seatbelt harness

I think marriage counselling/ Relate?

He's classified as a narc and is gaslighting you.
Doesn't show any emotion and you said walking on egg shells.....

You have been abused emotionally
Leave him be and escape that place. You deserve better let him come to terms with his stinking mess