Another DH holiday one

[Gloriousgoard]

A few years ago I realised that DH and I have a huge incompatibility when it comes to our wish to have a yearly holiday. I think they’re important and love them, he doesn’t care for them at all.

We had couples’ therapy for other reasons and it helped us a lot and one of the issues we worked through was the holiday difference.

If we didn’t have a child, I’d happily go on holiday with friends or alone but, because we have a daughter, I think it’s important to go as a family.

One of his objections was money and how expensive it can be so we saved up for a whole year and went on holiday.

I realised when we were on this holiday that despite having funds and removing the money issue, his personality on holiday changed to distant, grumpy, negative, napping a lot, generally expecting me to do all of the thinking about day trips/ food shopping/ communicating with Air BnB/ cooking/ tidying etc.

Our next set of discussions were around the way I feel he is not into it and I’m always the captain of the ship dragging what feels like a reluctant teen everywhere.

I tell him it makes me sad that I’m on my own in a way in my wish for DD to have happy memories like I did as a kid.

He always says he doesn’t mind them and isn’t against them but his behaviour on them means that I don’t feel very close to him on holiday. We never have sec on holiday for example.

He gets snappy and won’t communicate, won’t let me drive because he’s a nightmare passenger in terms of being anxious but is a pretty shit driver himself, not noticing that everyone is breaking until the last minute then slamming on the emergency breaks, not indicating reliably when turning and driving far too close to the back of other drivers. If I point it out he gets angry and belittles me verbally. So we end up in a bad place relationship-wise while away.

If I go alone, I feel like a single mum and dont really get any rest myself so it’s bleak.

Every holiday or stay away we’ve ever had has been entirely booked and planned by me. Sometimes even wholly paid for by me too.

This weekend we’ve been to a wedding at the other end of the country. We saved the money for everything before the event and I was on it in terms of organising his, mine and DD’s clothes, the wedding gift and accommodation.

BUT his behaviour over the weekend has been awful and I’ve really seen him for who he is. Possibly autistic and in complete meltdown about the change/ the lack of control.

We had to drive 7 hours to Scotland after a full-time working week on Friday night. He was irritable, snappy and interrupting me in the car on the way down.

He then announced that he had bought some electrical equipment on eBay in the next county from where the wedding was and that he was going to go there to collect it on Saturday morning just before the wedding. Leaving me with our DD and no time for myself to get ready for the wedding in peace/ shower/ do hair / pick up some food for the air bnb / take DD to the on-site pool/ iron the clothes and check the times of the distance between our BnB and the wedding venue and the itinerary for the wedding.

When I expressed irritation about it and asked why we had to be inconvenienced because of his addiction to boarding broken electrical equipment he got nasty and couldn’t see my point of view at all. I asked why he couldn’t go on Sunday before we drove another 7 hours home to be ready for work on Monday, he said it was only 45 minute drive. The sheer cost of the trip and the time limitations were enough to reason thar buying yet another item on eBay were stupid ideas and when I asked what he was buying he said it was none of my business.

Normally I’d get angry etc but I just felt grateful to have the actual clear as day data on why I fucking hate holidaying with him.

I enjoyed seeing my friends at the wedding but found him to be distant and non tactile. I thought I looked good and had made an huge effort with my appearance, he didn’t pay me one compliment despite me complimenting him. I’d looked forward to having fun with him and some light-hearted romantic time and I shouldn’t have for my hopes up. We have 1 full day away together as a family and he wants to use any spare time buying crap for his collection.

I have never been able to decipher whether I’m the melt down anxious one on holiday or whether it’s him because I found myself out of frustration and irritation at not being heard/ wilfully misunderstood becoming a a cross between a sergeant major yesterday explaining the time deficit we were working with and an eye-rolling frustrated teenager when he needed to be taught how to use the iron at the BnB. I don’t think it is me struggling to handle holidays. I think it’s my reaction to him. Christmas is very much the same sadly.

But the positive of seeing this shit all so clearly is that now I’m much more emboldened to book and make holidays on my own with DD.

"he had bought some electrical equipment on eBay in the next county from where the wedding was and that he was going to go there to collect it on Saturday morning just before the wedding."

Agh OP i would have lost my mind!

Hmm. Im autistic and I struggle with new places, as long as I was told in advance id be ok though. If he struggles socially the wedding may have been stressful for him.

7 hour drive is brutal after a working week. No wonder he was grumpy/tired if he works. Next time that happens he needs to take a day off or share the driving with you.

Sounds like the electrical stuff is a special interest and it means a lot to him. But an eBay seller would’ve likely been fine if he’d got it the next day. Seems weird he had to go that specific day.

I’m not very good on holidays unfamiliar places either maybe this is why? Is there somewhere he likes and knows his way about that you do too? Somewhere you both like? Would he maybe like a more structured trip like a cruise where there is an itinerary?

I must say after re reading this is sounds like he maybe finds weddings difficult. Lack of routine, loud music at reception, not knowing what you’re eating until the day.

My first thought was autism like me, however he may not want a diagnosis (my dad obvs has it but doesn’t want diagnosed because he would be ashamed) and even when you are diagnosed there’s no treatment really. It’s just a way of knowing why you are the way you are.

i would book just for you and your daughter. But your daughter will likely know something is up between you, so it’s up to you what you want to say to her.

How old is your daughter?

I hate tailgaters, good you’ve realised never to ‘holiday’ with him again

I think if you’re invited to weddings again don’t have him go, just go by yourself.

Sounds really difficult OP. On the one hand he’s possibly neurodivergent & struggling with change & the stress of it posed by holidays or trips away. On the other he’s actively sabotaging holidays, refusing to join in or embrace it & behaving very selfishly. Maybe both are true? It’s good that you at least now have come to the conclusion that you need to just go it alone on trips or invite other friends along. Which is sad bcos of wanting him & your DC to enjoy family holidays. But they’re just too stressful by the sounds of it. I just hope he gives you the grace to go & not sabotage or guilt trip you going in the future, or complain about the cost etc. He has to acknowledge your right & need for a break & own that holidays are just not for him. And that you have every right to enjoy yourself - if that means without him - so be it.

Relate on some level. Have always had to plan every.single.detail of our trips. It's amazing how DH just shows up and hasn't a clue what we are doing each day other than the final destination. He doesn't even know where he is half the time and will refer to various trips by description rather than town name. As much as this used to aggravate me, I now look at it as a way for me to plan the trip I want. Personally, I can't imagine it being reversed and just showing up with a bag! He loves going on these trips but gives me no credit for the work involved as he has no clue just how much work it is and if I left it to him....it would be a complete disaster. Total.

Whenever I have decided to step back and let him take over even the smallest part of the logistics, it truly all goes to hell. My daughter still talks about the screaming fight my DH and I had in front of the Eiffel Tower over me letting him decide when we would take the river boat tour and him just literally not being able to make logical sense of it and me pointing it out and both of us losing out tempers.

I wonder if your DH gets difficult with things like the driving, for example, because deep down he feels out of control and even incompetent? I mean, he must know at heart that you did all this planning and he has just shown up.

@Glazedcarrot is very right. Whatever the reason he is sabotaging family holidays, if he finds them too much,prob best you and dd go alone, at least then you can enjoy the time with dd.

In some ways you’re actually in a good position - you understand that he won’t (can’t) change, there’s a good chance that he’s somewhere on the spectrum, so you sort of know where you stand. You know he can’t manage these situations so there’s no point in trying. So now - try to arrange things without him? I do have one friend whose D(?)H reacts to holidays by just shutting down and doing nothing, or even last year abandoning her and flying home early by himself. Unfortunately his reaction to her going away without him is to sulk and give her silent treatment for weeks afterwards, so be prepared for some kind of reaction to you doing something that is outside of his normal / comfort zone - there’s only one way to find out!
But if apart from holidays / family events and occasions, things are good, just see if you can navigate a way to allow him to avoid them without causing a ruckus, find a new family ‘normal’ that works better for all of you.

Is it the type of holiday? Self catering always feels like hard work to be, you cook and clean, make your own beds but have none of the comforts of being at home. I would rather not bother with a holiday if it’s self catering.

Can you all please stop diagnosing people. When did you get your medical degrees? Not everyone a bit different from the norm is autistic. I can't stand people who do this.

Just become a single mum, it will be easier and less stressful all round

Sounds like he has a lot of anxiety. Any break from routine and it stresses him out big time. Holidays are an absolute nitemare for people like this, they can’t relax at all as everything is different.

I do think, given that he has said that he doesn't enjoy holidays or want to go on one, but has agreed to do so for you, it is a bit much to be annoyed that he doesn't do any of the planning. How is he going to know what you want to do/ where you want to go given that he doesn't care. The only proviso I would add to that is that also; means he doesn't get to complain about any of the decisions you have made.

You need to go alone, he clearly doesn’t enjoy it, struggles with it and I would leave it there.
i hate holidays when my kids were young, now they are adults I enjoy them again and we had a few years where we just didn’t go away and o was much happier

What was he like when you went away as a couple? Did he do friends holidays?

He’s unlikely to change leaving your options as accept it or go alone.

I am so glad that at the end of your post you have come to the conclusion you’ll holiday with your DD and leave DH out of it. I’ve ended up largely in this position and I think everyone is happier. Some of my lovely me & DD trips have been- the two of us and my mum going to winter sunshine weeks abroad with a pool and kids club while DD was very little. Going along on group holidays with other families with a few adults and a tribe of kids- you don’t need a man with you to do those even if everyone else goes in a couple! Also taking up invitations DH can’t make or doesn’t fancy, eg. weekends away with my parents and their friends which feels like multiple surrogate grandparents all spoiling my DD while I relax a lot. There are loads of ways to enjoy hols outside of the standard family holiday expectation.

Enjoyable holidays are a big thing to lose out on so I really understand the frustration. I agree that you are best off going with your dd and as she gets older the holidays will get more relaxing for you.

I got to really dislike holidays and even days out with my wife. I no longer have that problem.

He sounds like a nightmare

Go on holiday yourself in future or with your child? It's not massively important to have him there if he is going to be like that.

My husband is like this, I now take my child on my own. I won’t put myself through it anymore . Yes I’m sad they are t family holidays but I’d be sad on holiday that he’s not enjoying it or making it enjoyable for us. X

My DH can be similar (but not to this degree), both DC are Autistic and very likely DH too.

I love my holidays, where has DH would take or leave them.

I am very careful now to book places that have quiet spots, that he can decompress. I don’t really book anything in the first three days so he can get used to the surroundings without pressure. I never self cater as that’s simply not a break for me and that gets me stressed. I won’t go anywhere for less than 10 nights as that gives me at least a week once he’s relaxed.

It sounds a sensible way of killing two birds with one stone, BUT you surely pick a less pushed time for the pickup?!

That was my exH. He would come to a wedding, for example, but insist on wearing his cargo shorts. Have a sleep in till 11 on the day of the event, because it’s his day off.
He can’t drive for shit, we’d always get lost/be late for the airport/ferry etc.
Holidays he booked were always cheap nasty youth hostels.
In the end I refused to go anywhere with him. His temper tantrum for not having bananas or some shit at the zoo café because that’s what he wanted for lunch (and my DD’s ‘you need to behave’ intervention) sealed his fate. She was 4. He was 44.
Now he’s an exH, DD is in her mid 20s and we still holiday together, me and her.

None of us here can know whether he is autistic or not however whatever the cause I genuinely couldn’t stay with someone like this. It’s utterly selfish and your DD will pick up on his endless misery and moods. My sister lived like this in her marriage. Managing another adults moods, treading on eggshells, feeling apologetic and embarrassed by his behaviour with others. It ruined her life. She left and I’ve never seen her happier.

I’d be leaving.