Another DH holiday one

[Gloriousgoard]

A few years ago I realised that DH and I have a huge incompatibility when it comes to our wish to have a yearly holiday. I think they’re important and love them, he doesn’t care for them at all.

We had couples’ therapy for other reasons and it helped us a lot and one of the issues we worked through was the holiday difference.

If we didn’t have a child, I’d happily go on holiday with friends or alone but, because we have a daughter, I think it’s important to go as a family.

One of his objections was money and how expensive it can be so we saved up for a whole year and went on holiday.

I realised when we were on this holiday that despite having funds and removing the money issue, his personality on holiday changed to distant, grumpy, negative, napping a lot, generally expecting me to do all of the thinking about day trips/ food shopping/ communicating with Air BnB/ cooking/ tidying etc.

Our next set of discussions were around the way I feel he is not into it and I’m always the captain of the ship dragging what feels like a reluctant teen everywhere.

I tell him it makes me sad that I’m on my own in a way in my wish for DD to have happy memories like I did as a kid.

He always says he doesn’t mind them and isn’t against them but his behaviour on them means that I don’t feel very close to him on holiday. We never have sec on holiday for example.

He gets snappy and won’t communicate, won’t let me drive because he’s a nightmare passenger in terms of being anxious but is a pretty shit driver himself, not noticing that everyone is breaking until the last minute then slamming on the emergency breaks, not indicating reliably when turning and driving far too close to the back of other drivers. If I point it out he gets angry and belittles me verbally. So we end up in a bad place relationship-wise while away.

If I go alone, I feel like a single mum and dont really get any rest myself so it’s bleak.

Every holiday or stay away we’ve ever had has been entirely booked and planned by me. Sometimes even wholly paid for by me too.

This weekend we’ve been to a wedding at the other end of the country. We saved the money for everything before the event and I was on it in terms of organising his, mine and DD’s clothes, the wedding gift and accommodation.

BUT his behaviour over the weekend has been awful and I’ve really seen him for who he is. Possibly autistic and in complete meltdown about the change/ the lack of control.

We had to drive 7 hours to Scotland after a full-time working week on Friday night. He was irritable, snappy and interrupting me in the car on the way down.

He then announced that he had bought some electrical equipment on eBay in the next county from where the wedding was and that he was going to go there to collect it on Saturday morning just before the wedding. Leaving me with our DD and no time for myself to get ready for the wedding in peace/ shower/ do hair / pick up some food for the air bnb / take DD to the on-site pool/ iron the clothes and check the times of the distance between our BnB and the wedding venue and the itinerary for the wedding.

When I expressed irritation about it and asked why we had to be inconvenienced because of his addiction to boarding broken electrical equipment he got nasty and couldn’t see my point of view at all. I asked why he couldn’t go on Sunday before we drove another 7 hours home to be ready for work on Monday, he said it was only 45 minute drive. The sheer cost of the trip and the time limitations were enough to reason thar buying yet another item on eBay were stupid ideas and when I asked what he was buying he said it was none of my business.

Normally I’d get angry etc but I just felt grateful to have the actual clear as day data on why I fucking hate holidaying with him.

I enjoyed seeing my friends at the wedding but found him to be distant and non tactile. I thought I looked good and had made an huge effort with my appearance, he didn’t pay me one compliment despite me complimenting him. I’d looked forward to having fun with him and some light-hearted romantic time and I shouldn’t have for my hopes up. We have 1 full day away together as a family and he wants to use any spare time buying crap for his collection.

I have never been able to decipher whether I’m the melt down anxious one on holiday or whether it’s him because I found myself out of frustration and irritation at not being heard/ wilfully misunderstood becoming a a cross between a sergeant major yesterday explaining the time deficit we were working with and an eye-rolling frustrated teenager when he needed to be taught how to use the iron at the BnB. I don’t think it is me struggling to handle holidays. I think it’s my reaction to him. Christmas is very much the same sadly.

But the positive of seeing this shit all so clearly is that now I’m much more emboldened to book and make holidays on my own with DD.

Did you think he was autistic before? Some of his behaviours sound as if he might be on the spectrum, but many sound plain abusive.

id be seriously rethinking the whole relationship. What joy does he bring you?

He sounds like an angry, incompetent, unkind arsehole who drives like a dickhead. Nah. Life’s too short.

Autism like that can be hard to deal with especially if he wasn’t diagnosed, you need to be made of stern stuff.

whats he like usually? He sounds really selfish and it’s not something I could live with. Are you happy generally or is he often selfish and difficult?

Woah. I wouldn’t be able to bear half that behavior.

I think mine was just an arsehole tbh.

The obvious solution is that in future, you holiday or go to events with your child alone

Leave your DH to play at home with his broken electronics

You will both be much happier

If he reacts badly, split & be single parents

If incompatibility for holidays is the only real issue in your relationshop, I'd start doing solo holidays or holidays with your DD (find a friend perhaps who will go with you - I know lots of women who plan trips with groups of their female friends and children albeit I concede it's often a leave issue so the partner does one or two holidays a year with them and then during glong holidays or whatever they make alternative plans while he's working).

if it's part of a much bigger issue where he doesn't compromise, is grumpy and mean if he doesn't get his way, treats you badly and is super entitled.... then perhaps you should see the holiday as the straw that broke the camel's back.

Holidays are such an important part of family life, both for you as a couple and making happy memories for your children. Yes, you could go down the solo route with your DD and I’m sure you’d both enjoy it, but it reflects really badly on him that he thinks it’s ok to essentially check out.

This right here!
He obviously won't change and you know that which is a good thing, so just go by yourself and enjoy the holidays and weddings and other functions. If you're invited as a couple and he doesn't want to do, let him be. Sending a smartshow 3d video card with congrats and not going would be the perfect way out for him and you could actually enjoy the event.

I think the problem here isn't that he doesn't like holidays so much as he won't admit that he struggles and take steps to change it or at least confront the situation honestly. I struggle with the change in routine and stress from some holidays - what's worked for me is figuring out what is enjoyable, in my case having a holiday specific routine and itinerary that I know about. Could he go on holiday with you and your DD but not join in everything? Yes it's not ideal but it sounds less stressful than dealing with him struggling.

The wedding - honestly driving 7 hours after a full working week is my idea of hell as well, but him disappearing is not great. Your suggestion of picking the item up the next day was a good compromise.

If you want to stay together (and it's okay if you've realised you're not compatible) perhaps couples counselling would be good so you can both have some space to figure out what you want and articulate that to each other with someone mediating.

Going forward, I’d be booking holidays with a friend and their children. That way, your daughter has someone to play with and you get a relaxing holiday.