I need any advice I can get

[SnowyOwl423]

I love my partner and we are expecting a child together. I don’t want to leave him, I want to be able to work things out but I really don’t know what else I can do.
Basically he seems very uninterested in everything. Barely gets involved with baby planning. He’s lazy, doesn’t pull his weight as much as he should. I’m 20 weeks pregnant and doing most things alone, like housework, planning for the baby, decorating etc. He barely touches me, looks at me, acts like sleeping with me is a chore. He suffers with sleep apnea so falls asleep all the time and if I try to wake him he gets nasty. Shouting at me. He’s extremely offhand. Sometimes it can be going well and then he just goes straight back to how he was. I’ve talked to him over and over about it and he gets defensive and then I’ll eventually get through to him and he agrees he needs to do better then does for a little while then just doesn’t bother again.
I've suggested maybe counselling or even having our own places but he’s not interested in those ideas. I don't know what else to try here? Any advice? Am I making a big deal because I’m pregnant?

This doesnt bode well for when the baby arrives OP.

You will end up doing everything around the home and everything for your child.

If you have tried talking to him and it isnt doing any good then really there's nothing more you can do.

Personally I think you would be better separating before the baby is born. You won't have to put up with his nastiness. And if he doesnt show you any affectionate, even though you are carrying his child, that will chip away at your self esteem once the baby is born.

Make sure he financially contributes to his child.

Why don’t you want to leave him OP? Genuinely, I’m curious. Why do you want to raise a baby with this person?

This isn’t just since you’ve been pregnant, is it?

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. He becoming a parent us not going to change him into being a decent father.

He’s nasty and shouts at you
falls asleep, lazy,and uninterested
do you think he can / will change because he won’t
you would be much better off being on your own because this lazy, horrible man-child won’t be a good and involved parent
do you work? Who owns the house you live in?
start being practical and making an exit plan
theres nothing to salvage

You mention sleep apnea, this suggests to me that he is very overweight. You say he is lazy, doesn't help you and not interested in making plans with you. Neither does he appear to love you but just sees you as a provider. Does he work, you dont say. You dont say how long you've been together you don't say how you will manage if you end this relationship. Clearly his attitude is making you unhappy. The fact you've had many conversations that dont result in a real change is concerning. Babies seldom improve difficult relationships, you need both to be on board. Babies cause sleep loss and tiredness. High levels of irritability and sleep deprivation can I'm sorry to say cause tempers to snap and put people at risk. You need to address the issues you have, trust your instincts and if you feel its the right thing to do leave him. It does sound as though he has mental health issues ..depression perhaps and maybe these need addressing with the doctor.

It will just get worse not better once baby arrives.

What do you love about him op, because he sounds decidedly unpleasant. And now you’re pregnant. It won’t get better, this will only get worse, and you have your child to think about now. Seriously cut your losses now and get out.

I was eight stone and 35 years old with thin neck when I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. If he has it he should get a CPAP machine. If he is tired all of the time that could explain his attitude.

You can’t work things out with someone who’s happy to treat you like shit. You want him to be someone other than who he is which is understandable because who he is is not lovable.

Children require unconditional love from their parents. Love between adults should be conditional. If your partner treats you badly, you are not only allowed to take your love back - you should take your love back. So don’t feel you need to keep loving him when he’s so unlovable. He’s not your child. You’re not his mother.

If he can’t treat you well, then having separate them places sounds like a very good idea. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want that. This is about what you want and what’s good for your baby.

Oh dear, this certainly won’t get any better once baby arrives.
You need to leave now for your sake, and most importantly the child’s.

Sounds like he agreed to a child to shut you up. Did you expect him to change when you got pregnant? Buckle up for when you have the baby as you'll be exhausted and doing everything.

Why are you with him then let's be realistic?

Tbf he isn’t all bad. I am only stating the bad points here. I just feel maybe the bad is starting to outweigh the good.

@AlwaysbackagainI am kinda expecting to be doing it all myself anyway. Whether he is here or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

@rubyslippers he’s only horrible when he’s woken. He’s like a completely different person all together. He’s normally very gentle spoken. I know he can be better as this has been over the past year and he was never this way before. He is very involved with my other two kids from a previous relationship. Not sure if something changed for him to be this way and if this change is for good.

@Siarli I do feel this way sometimes. I feel as though life with me is easy so the better option. Yeah, he does work. And we have been together for 4 years but been good friends since childhood. I know that I can manage on my own. It is making me unhappy at the moment. I think the hardest bit for me, is he was never this way before. This is also a concern of mine. How will he cope when a baby keeps him up all the time. Although he seems to handle being woken up by my youngest when she was a toddler. But that was only every now and again. Not every night, multiple times a night. This is what I’ve said. This needs to be sorted before the baby is here and if it’s not I have no option but to walk away. I am hoping that it can be salvaged. I do think there’s some mental heath issues. He 100% has anxiety. He is a complete recluse. But getting him to take time off work to go to the drs is near impossible.

Cut your losses now and give this child your surname going forward.

How is he involved with your two other children when you describe him as a recluse?. What sort of a role model is he to them?. Your poor boundaries in relationships are bring further eroded here by him.

@Sunshineandorangeshe is a big guy. But I do understand anyone can be diagnosed with sleep apnea. It’s not only for bigger people. Although I’ve seen his weight gain make it a lot worse. He has a CPAP machine but pulls it off in his sleep all the time. Struggling to find a way for him to get on with it. But I do think it has a big part to play in his attitude.

@MiloMinderbinder925we've both have fertility struggles so was something that was talked about for a while. We then both agreed to stop trying for a baby as we needed to focus on sorting out our relationship first but typically I found out I was pregnant about a week after that.

“he’s only horrible when he’s woken.” How do you see this going down with a newborn OP? I mean, I hope for your sake you do get a good sleeper, but my daughter woke up multiple times a night, every night, until very recently. Even now at 14 months she wakes up at least once probably every other night, sometimes more. Do you honestly want to be being spoken to like shit by him when you’re already:

1. postpartum, recovering and healing physically
2. exhausted yourself
3. trying to deal with a probably screaming newborn, for the third time that night and
4. after having dealt with that baby yourself all day because if he does fall asleep all the time then he can never be left on the sofa holding a baby??

@AttilaTheMeerkat what I mean by that is he has no social life, he never goes out with friends or speaks to anyone outside of his very immediate circle.

Here is my advice.
Leave him now, or throw him out, and set up the life you need ready for when your baby is born.
You will be much happier.

Don’t excuse it! Newborns wake a lot
how is he going to manage that?
how old are you other kids and do they live with you both

Your partner is a dud. Nothing you can do will force him to step up and if you don't want to leave him then the only option is to try and stop it destroying your mental health. Good luck.

@Mrsttcno1this is something I am concerned about if he doesn’t learn to control it before the baby arrives. To be honest he will be sleeping elsewhere if he hasn’t learnt how. My daughter was like this. She was a terrible sleeper. Woke up multiple times a night up until she was a toddler.
I will not be putting up with it and he knows that but obviously would like to try and fix it first.

Your partner needs to help himself, you can't 'fix' him. He needs to recognise that he needs medical assistance, seek the support and that his attitude towards you and his unborn child is dreadful. It seems that he can't be bothered to make those acknowledgements or make any effort. You've spoken to him until you're blue in the face, with numerous conversations, and he tries for a short time, and then it all becomes too much effort. You won't be receiving any help from him once the baby arrives, if he can't be bothered now. What is he bringing to the relationship? By the sounds of it, you would be better off splitting now before the baby arrives.

No, you're not whatever as you're pregnant.

This will not change. It will not get any better. It will get worse. You'll get more tired, resentful and sad.

He will behave for a minute if you get some strength to say this stops now and he needs to grow up then the cycle will start again.

Leave. Or better still tell him to.

Consider a whole new future. You have no choice.