Can anyone give me advice or have been in similar situation? Have baby alone or risk it with new partner?

[Numberblox]

I have a child from my marriage. Marriage ended awfully, infedility and had to sell house, I was left with very little and had no rebuild my life for me and my son from scratch. This was 6 years ago. Now co parenting 50/50 with a complete narcissist. Awful experience, I’ve just about recovered.

Ive had a few dates since then and have been dating a man for the past year. So far we just see each other in our own time, haven’t introduced to my son yet. He does not have any kids.

before I met him I started the process of becoming a solo mum by choice using a donor. I would love another child and a sibling for my son.

my boyfriend would love to have kids together but I feel like I would need to be completely sure of this before I would have a child with anyone again. What that would look like for me is together a good few years, introduce slowly to my child, in time then start staying over, see how that goes before moving in.

but here’s the thing I’m 39, I don’t have time to wait nor do I want to. My son is already 9 and I don’t want there to be a 13/14 year age gap

i Worry I’m making life very hard for myself by doing it alone when there’s potentially a good guy there who would want to do it together but again how can I be sure. It seems too risky for me. Plus I don’t feel very inclined to move anyone into my house that I bought and worked hard for for me and my son.

please be kind as I’m really in a pickle

You have been dating him a year

I wouldn’t even be given this one nano seconds thought whether I was 39 or 29 in your shoes

I'd probably put a time limit on it, eg six months. Really really try to get to know every aspect of him in that time. Try to see how he is in stressful situations, when he's angry with someone, how he argues etc. Find the real him as much as you can. After the time has past hopefully you will have a better idea whether he will be a decent co-parent (if it doesn't work out between you).
Even if you split up, a decent father is better for the baby than a sperm donor, even if it's sometimes more inconvenient for you. I think that would be worth six months for me personally, but it's fine if you see it differently.

As in?

I’ve no issues with using a sperm donor

Go it alone. Do away with the risk that this relationship will fail and you will be forced into another stressful co-parenting situation.

We have absolutely no idea about your financial circumstances, support network, employment, health…. So I’m never going to be like PP and say “go for it”!

Financially secure, good health and very goods support network from family, plenty of people I can call on.
i guess my question isn’t whether to have another baby but whether to do it alone or with this newish partner

potentially a good guy there

not a risk I’d be willing to take and certainly not with a child already who has endured enough

Well my answer is…. 100% no to the partner

and as for on your own…. Your call

Do you need another child? I’ve raised my dd on my own and I definitely wouldn’t chose to bring another child into a single parent set up. In your shoes I’d focus on your son and yourself and be happy 🤷‍♀️

I'm happily single and don't see many happy couples around me. If you want a child and you're happy to do it alone, just do it. Imagine having 2 difficult exes to coparent with.

Well I’d like to try. I don’t feel that 1 is all I was meant to have and I feel like I would love another

I think at 39 you need to make a decision and get on with it.

He’s not even met your son

surely you’d want at the very very least a year of seeing how he is with your son before even remotely considering him as a “potential” anything let alone father to another baby

Well that's fine - do that then! But if you're happy with a sperm donor, I can't understand why you're asking this question!

How would it be for your son when he is sent off to his narc dad's house while his new baby brother gets to stay home with or without a new partner? 10 years is a big age gap for your son to deal with.

Yes, this is it - if it were me, I'd want him to build a relationship with my son and see what kind of father figure he is. Obviously you don't have that luxury now, but isn't that something you thought about before? Is there a reason he hasn't met your son, and could that give you an idea about whether you should do it alone (for example, gut feeling he wouldn't be great with him?).

Well no I wouldn’t introduce anyone to my son before the year mark really. So we did talk about that potentially happening but now I’m unsure. I think he would be good with him I’m sure but I have always kept the 2 separate because I do have the time to date separately

Well that’s just how the set up would be I’m afraid.

Surely surely you’d want to see your boyfriend and son build a solid positive relationship over at least a year before even considering his as father material???

How old is your boyfriend?

It's hard, because I also co-parent with an ex who was abusive, and while I don't regret having my son at all, I certainly wouldn't choose to do it again with someone who could potentially be awful to co-parent with. And because you don't know how he is with your current child, it's a gamble. I'd say go it alone.

Definitely not with the new boyfriend.

Sperm donor....if you think it would be fair to your current DS and the new baby then go for it. I would give it some thought though because it does read very much like it's all about you and what you want rather than what would be in either of these children's best interests.

Yeah it’s not even the co-parenting, it’s the not having my kids that I find so difficult

Well you risk that with someone you’ve known a year and have not yet introduced to your son.

in fact that is a risk with anyone

so if that’s your concern…. Doner

but…. Realistically, that’s going to end the relationship with the boyfriend and also its highly unlikely to be a quick process, especially given your age