Can anyone give me advice or have been in similar situation? Have baby alone or risk it with new partner?

[Numberblox]

I have a child from my marriage. Marriage ended awfully, infedility and had to sell house, I was left with very little and had no rebuild my life for me and my son from scratch. This was 6 years ago. Now co parenting 50/50 with a complete narcissist. Awful experience, I’ve just about recovered.

Ive had a few dates since then and have been dating a man for the past year. So far we just see each other in our own time, haven’t introduced to my son yet. He does not have any kids.

before I met him I started the process of becoming a solo mum by choice using a donor. I would love another child and a sibling for my son.

my boyfriend would love to have kids together but I feel like I would need to be completely sure of this before I would have a child with anyone again. What that would look like for me is together a good few years, introduce slowly to my child, in time then start staying over, see how that goes before moving in.

but here’s the thing I’m 39, I don’t have time to wait nor do I want to. My son is already 9 and I don’t want there to be a 13/14 year age gap

i Worry I’m making life very hard for myself by doing it alone when there’s potentially a good guy there who would want to do it together but again how can I be sure. It seems too risky for me. Plus I don’t feel very inclined to move anyone into my house that I bought and worked hard for for me and my son.

please be kind as I’m really in a pickle

Funny how anytime people talk
about introducing their kids within a few months everyone is up in arms whereas now it’s as if I should have done it sooner

No one is even remotely saying that and you have wilfully misunderstood

we are saying it is patently reckless to consider having a baby with someone you haven’t even Introduced to your son yet, which given it has only been a year…. Was the right thing to do. The wrong thing to do would be to have a bloomin baby with someone your son isn’t even aware exists!

Oh no exactly. I wouldn’t have a baby with him now, no way. But I don’t feel I can wait years to check that out

So….. you’ve asked whether to “risk” it by going with your new partner but now the question is…

Should I go for a doner
or wait until early forties before trying with new boyf?

Did you mean risk waiting?

Yes. The risk is waiting another few years. I wouldn’t be doing it now

You are in a difficult situation, and I think you need to pick the least worst option, rather than the best. There is NO WAY you should have a kid with someone you know so little, and hasn’t met your son and he might be awful to him or they may simply not gel. (I do agree you have been right not to introduce them earlier in any event.)

But if you have a child with the new boyfriend, You could end up in a situation with someone who is just as awful as your ex - it’s simply too early to know. So imagine being in the same situation a few years down the line, with two co-parenting arrangements to manage?

In which case, a sperm donor baby is the way forward. But you need to realise that your current boyfriend may leave you for making this decision. And that would be entirely fair for him to do. It’s one thing to take on a child from a previous relationship, but quite another to take on a child who has been born while you were with the mother. You should know that such an outcome is probably highly likely, and work on that basis.

Personally, I wouldn’t do either. Yes you really want a child, but you are assuming that it all goes smoothly. What if the child has a disability? What if the child doesn’t get on with your DS? Can you really split your time between your children at such different stages, and manage work, and life by yourself. People manage, yes, but rarely out of choice and it must be so hard.

Ultimately it’s your decision, but I do think you need to think out the worst case scenarios of each choice and whether you can cope with them, before making any decisions.

So this is the dilemma

wait until your in early forties when fertility is circling the drain

versus

go with a doner now
end with boyfriend
seriously impact life of your son, and not necessarily for the better.

In your shoes, i wouldn't be having another child.
Try and be content with your son.

I expect if you do go donor you're saying goodbye to your boyfriend tbh
He wants a child in future is he going to wait for you to have a donor baby, are you going to have time for a relationship with your setup? Would you then want a third?

I think it would be hard on the new child to see their half sibling having another parent on the scene whilst they couldn’t contact theirs until age 18 - or possibly not at all if you use sperm from a country that still allows wholly anonymous donation. No matter how useless the older one’s other parent is, at least he knows where he comes from.

Having said that I don’t think the new partner is a good option either, not unless he has already shown good form on parenting or you’re sure he also isn’t personality disordered. Imagine the sheer hell of having to deal with two co-parents who make your life hell.

Neither situation would be fair on your son. It’s rubbish that you don’t feel done, but I think you need to prioritise your existing child here. I must admit my jaw dropped at the “well that’s just how it would be” comment as it’s coming across like your want for a second child comes above all else.

I would take the risk personally. For the reasoning of the first paragraph of@Gattopardo 's post

I would have a child with your partner if he wants a child and he's a good man. You don't have to live together if you don't want to. I would do it now before you're 40.

The sperm donor could be a problem in 18 years time and there is no guarantee he would be a good man. He might be a complete knob. You've no way of knowing.

Does your son really need more disruption?

Edit: agree with @YaWeeFurryBastard

I absolutely wouldn’t even consider another child in your circumstances, no matter how good my support network or financial situation was. Have you considered how life would look if one of your children was born or became disabled? How would life look if you became poorly? Life is incredibly tough as a single parent, I personally think it would be incredibly selfish to try for another child and risk the stability you currently provide for your son.

I had a baby using a sperm donor and every time I hear someone in a distressing coparenting situation I’m grateful I’m the only parent. It is lonely though. So maybe get some financial safeguards in place and go for it anyway?

If you use donor sperm it’s a free option, he’ll have no parental rights over the child, if it doesn’t work out, that’s fine. You started the process before you met, and hopefully you were up front about it, so it’s just a case of continuing with it.

PS. I’m a bit surprised you’ve not introduced him to your son after a year, 9 is plenty old enough to understand that single parents get new partners… it’s hardly like you bringing in a new boyfriend every week. To be frank, I’m surprised he’s not got the message after that, he must have the patience of a saint.

Nope, don't have a baby with the new boyfriend as a year isn't nearly long enough to make that decision. If you choose to see what new boyfriend is like in a few years you won't necessarily have a baby because a) the relationship might end b) you realise he is a terrible potential father and c) it might be too late for you to have kids if you are 43/44. If you separate after having a baby, do you really want the stress of Co parenting with someone else again?

If you definitely want a kid, go it alone, otherwise accept what you have now. You have done so well to leave a bad relationship and build a life for you and your child.

@GiveDogBone Totally disagree here. Anything less than a year would be irresponsible. So many weirdos and abusive people in the world today, the OP is right to wait before introducing someone she doesn't know well into a child's life.

Well bearing in mind all child psychologists say 9-12 months or less is fine, I’ll pay attention to the experts. But then I’m not an MN man-hater.

With a 9 year age gap, a seemingly acrimonious divorce and mum n dad still squabbling you want to hit your dc with a sibling as he’s about to start secondary school - because you want a baby….Hmmm.

Relationships with our siblings can be some of the longest we have - read some of the court cases that talk about the problems with splitting siblings between placements.

A ten year age gap doesn't mean they won't be close though the relationship will look a bit different. (It could all go really well and leave him confident as an older teenager in looking after small kids opening up babysitting opportunities with him being in demand as a fun young man.)

Not saying it won't be hard for him, more that there are advantages to having a sibling and most of the hard things can be worked around.

I think if you're going to attempt to have another child using donor sperm is the way to go.

Planning a baby with someone who hasn’t even met your existing kid is insane. Freeze your eggs or go solo. However… A 9 year age gap is a lot, actually it would be 10-11 as you probably won’t get pregnant straight away anyway so it’s unlikely the siblings would be close. Juggling the needs of a toddler and a teenager whether you are single or not will be difficult. Add in that you’ll be going into perimenopause and dealing with a difficult ex (or possibly two) and it won’t be an easy ride for any of you. While it’s hard to not get the big things you want in life building a happy life with your existing child and new partner sounds like the best plan.