Have you ever left a workplace due to a work crush?

[Anxious2024]

There’s someone at work I’ve had a crush on, on and off, for about a year.

I find it generally a bit painful - sometimes to the point that I think maybe I should change jobs. Which would be kind of mad and not helpful for me at all, but I am wondering if other people
have felt like this.

This person can be very smiley which is I suppose what caused the crush in the first place, so I find myself inventing scenarios or imagining that they notice me etc…

Then reality hits which is painful and I have kind of had enough of it.

It has really highlighted my own loneliness I suppose.

What can I do to get over this 😩?

Ask them out?

The very best solution would be to distract yourself with someone else- doesn't have to be serious, doesn't have to be love, it just has to be something that you can actually enjoy that will expand your view beyond this hopeless crush.

I sympathise, have been there. I no longer see the person I cared for, but miss them every day.

@AuntieDolly initially I wasn’t sure if he is single or not, then someone said he is married so I put a stop to it in my head.

Then more recently someone else said they think he is divorced which opened up the whole can of worms for me again, though I will probably never know if he is single or not (and nor is it my business I know).

Also - even if he is single and something were to happen but then didn’t work out? I can’t imagine how awkward that would be in a work setting.

@MaudieAtkinson I agree - though I not sure how to go about meeting people. I am sorry there is someone you miss every day.

Just generally I also lack in confidence a lot! This doesn’t help with either solution.

I think in several ways my work crush might be out of my league.

He has a life outside work, he is not your friend or mate and his work persona is not the real him.

Crushes always subside, especially if you get to know him a bit better.

It would be a massive overreaction to leave your job. You’ll just develop another crush whenever you go next.

That’s interesting - just generally - as I think the work me is pretty much me without some of the angst.

I do think this is one of my problems though - aside from my dc who are late teens and young adults, I pretty much don’t have a life outside work!

@3KidsPlusDdog it hasn’t subsided yet though - I know that in a way it is kind of drug.

Yes it would be an overreaction to leave and I won’t do it, but I find it annoying. I didn’t go to an optional daytime nice event at work last week because I knew he would be there 🙄.

Sorry about the various typos!

look up limerence on Reddit. There’s a subreddit with support. It’s a painful feeling. Oftentimes moving job and freeing yourself from the obsessive agony works. It’s not so absurd to me.

Thanks @Subwaystop I will have a look.

I wouldn’t say it’s agony exactly, but I do spend too much time thinking about it or going over our interactions in my head 🙄. Mostly it just makes me sad.

@Anxious2024 you should try to find out if he is single or not. If he is single then why not ask him out? Or at least flirt with him a bit more, eye contact etc. See what happens.
If he is unavailable then I do understand the whole moving jobs thing. Unavailable love can be really painful.

@ByGreyTiger fear of seeming or feeling ridiculous I suppose.

But then that’s what makes me sad - the horrible what ifs…

On the other hand I think if he were single and interested, he would probably in some way do something?

So maybe the what ifs are a fantasy.

I was in a broadly similar situation about 15 years ago. I decided to act on my impulses but at the same time accepting that the awkwardness of the situation would be so severe if it all went wrong that I’d likely move jobs.

We've now been together for 15 years and have a beautiful DS.

I sometime wonder how my life would have panned out if I’d never taken the plunge and asked him out. I doubt I’d be as happy as I am now.

Go for it!

I’m in a similar situation OP.

I’m changing jobs, not because of him
but to be honest it will be a relief to leave the crush behind as sometimes it’s excruciating.

There’s your issue. A friend of mine, at a particularly dull patch in her life, used to have this fluctuating crush on a mutual friend, purely because (1) there wasn’t much going on in her own life and (2) he was there. It went away once her own life hot more interesting than fantasising about a very ordinary guy. Get a life outside of work. What do you enjoy?

@Crumpet727 that is a lovely story and I am glad it worked out as it did - plus you were brave

@FlyingontheGround good luck in your new job!

@CatRoleplayTycoon I like walking, going to museums, going on day trips, swimming and other stuff - not much of which I organise or do, so you’re right, I should focus on trying to fill my life with things other than my job and my chaotic house which I never have the time or energy to sort. It all feels lonely however.

Prioritise your house, it will stop the chaos in your head. It will revitalise you and keep focused on something positive.

The hardest part is starting.

Thank you @Lighteningstrikes - yes that is what I need to do.

I have a friend who has been deep in this kind of experience for about 18 months, though the person she is crushing on doesn't share her sexuality so this looks extremely tenuous from the outsider's view.
It's now become really worrying. She can genuinely overthink any sentence fragment they say or text (or don't say, or say to someone else when she is present) to the point where everything is mysterious and can make or break her for a few days. She has a young child and her latest desire is that she should be "seen not as a parent, but someone different." The only person that matters, or that can have any effect on her esteem, is the crush.
Focus on something else, ideally, a few things. Keep yourself grounded in the reality that this is a colleague and you can't really know their inner thoughts. Have faith that being a fairly happy person, without staking all things on only one point of meaning for you, will make you more attractive and balanced (and eventually, happier) in general.

Don't leave your job, they're normal, they come up. It's usually never the person but something you project onto them and no work personas are not what you'd get if you dated them believe me from my mistakes. Don't focus on it, redirect your thoughts every time. Thinking and fantasising fuels it. Danger times for crushes are stressy work times, newborn times, and stuff so stress, shit times. Ride it out. Not literally.

Thanks @mariasanp and @Ormally.

Yes I can definitely see the connection to being stressed and the projection involved.

I think I fantasise like this because my life feels bleak and it’s a defence against having to deal with that.

I am also somewhat traumatised by my awful marriage and divorce, so in any case think it is unlikely that I will ever be able to get together with anyone else - which just makes me sad 😔.

You can’t know him very well if you don’t even know his true relationship status.

However as he’s a bloke if he fancied you and was available you would know by now.

Don't be that tragic person pining over a married man at work. It’s just embarrassing especially if you give off those vibes to him. He might end up reporting you to HR.

You’ve had a lot to deal with and it’s a nice distraction but you need to work on your life outside of work and I’d suggest joining a dating app.

I'm so sorry you've been through an awful marriage and divorce.

I think most of the advice here is good and you seem to have a really honest sense of yourself and the feelings of loneliness you are protecting yourself from.

I get it as I'm in a similar position.

When you have younger kids it can seem best to prioritise them above any other relationship. When they are growing up or grown up though you can suddenly be left feeling quite lonely.

It can seem really hard to try again to trust someone and experience that intimacy again.

I would wonder if the existence of the crush is a sign that somehow you would.like to find that connection with someone again.

It is terrifying though. I am also there and the only answers I have are to build up the rest of my life, friendships, interests, hobbies so if the crush doesn't work out it is less awful!

Yes! And he's now my husband!

I did. But only after we got together and I decided I'd rather not live and work with him 😁. Sill together 17 years later.