Complicated DH situation- open relationship?

[EarlySummerRain]

NC for this

I’m not sure how best to wrote this and have rewrote a few times because it’s hard to take something personal and try to explain it in a way that doesn’t sound immoral

So me and DH have been together for 17 years, two DC and we still love each other very much, no issues in that department. Our sex life has been perfectly great until recently, nothing too wild or outlandish. We’ve spoke about a few ‘what ifs’ in the past with me being bi curious, like the idea of a threesome etc but it never went more than talk. I’m into peri, and it has actually increased my libido which surprised me, I thought it’d do the opposite. However, DH is a bit older than me and has a disability so sex is becoming more and more difficult through no fault of his own. We’ve spoken about this a couple of times and he has said every time that he would be happy with me forming a same sex casual relationship and exploring that side of things. What he wouldn’t want (and neither would I) is for me to see another guy(s) and I fully get that that, not that I ever would anyway. But seeing another woman if I ever did feels more ok and I feel better knowing DH is comfortable and content with that. This isn’t something for him to get off to btw, he said if I did he’d prefer not to know, as long as I’m fulfilled.

So that’s the situation, some days I’m adamant I won’t do anything because even if I did find someone (big if) I’d feel guilty for DH, because I love him. But then other days, I do feel enthusiastic about it, knowing DH is happy and I’d get to continue with sex and explore. This is not even going into where I would find other women as I don’t drink anymore, and with childcare etc bars are out of the question. I think I am bi, but because I don’t have any experience, I don’t want to outwardly say I am bi sexual yet, rather that I am bi curious, so if I met someone that would have to be established, because I don’t want to feel like I am simply using anyone.

sorry for the long post. Any advice is welcome

It doesn't sound immoral at all and I don't think you'd need to drink or go to bars to meet someone- that's what apps are for! Have you ever had romantic feelings for another woman though? If it doesn't stay just sexual then there's a chance it could ruin your marriage.

I have thought about apps, just not sure where or how to start 😅 we have spoken about that yeah and I know for a fact whilst I am attracted to women I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with another woman, and I’m in love with DH

Tbh if you and your H agree to you having sex with another person then it isn't any less of a threat to your relationship whether it's a man or a woman.

You are still.turming your monogamous relationship into an open one.
You would be having sex with someone's despite your marriage vows.
Thise is still the change of feelings developing between you and your lovers. There is still the risk of your H being jealous and his self esteem being damaged.

Once you've embarked on this experiment there is no going back.

So it all depends on how important having sex is to you v all you potentially lose.

I have an open relationship of sorts and I think a lot of people would be happier in life if they could be open to the idea but it's not easy to overcome conditioning. I firmly believe that as we age and one or the other partner loses ability or interest in sex that a casual relationship on the side could be a very good thing for the primary relationship. Of course it's risky but life is risky.

If you are really interested in pursuing this, try feeld or fabswingers for dates/hook ups.

Life is short OP, enjoy yourself. How wonderful to have a loving and supportive husband. X

It's not something I would do. There are to many variables that could affect your relationship. The fantasy is just that. A fantasy. When you add feelings into the mix things get messy. He might think he's fine with you having sex with women but he doesn't know how he will really feel about it. You can't control your emotions and reactions. I think it will ruin.your relationship. Personally, I'd invest in a variety of toys instead and get him involved (if he wants to be). The alternative is a bit like playing with fire. You will get burnt.

I think you’re being naive to be honest. This has recipe for disaster written all over it.
Also, I feel there’s a bit of a double standard on Mumsnet at times - the responses you’ve had so far would be very different if you had posted as a bi man looking to hook up with another man.

I get what some of you are saying regarding the risk to lose it all. But from knowing DH, and our relationship, I know that the idea of me falling in love with a woman- or him suddenly getting jealous is out of the question. We’ve always been a very relaxed couple- never any manor arguments, and he’s the one who is encouraging me, as otherwise my other options will be basically no sex again. Also, this has been a conversation for a while now, not something overnight

I've been in relationships with bi curious women before. They've gone on F/F dates and explored to find out whether they're bi curious or actually bi sexual.
It never bothered me as a male. They did what they had to do. It never affected the relationship. I think it depends on the individual.

There are other ways of orgasm apart from penetration, as I'm sure you know. (In fact penetration isn't usually successful in achieving orgasm for a woman). Once you involve another person, whatever their gender, to a certain extent you lose control.

You're thinking about this with the assumption that you wouldn't develop feelings for the woman, and would continue to love your husband as you do now, but be very careful. That might not be a given and this has the potential to be messy.

You're thinking about this with the assumption that you wouldn't develop feelings for the woman, and would continue to love your husband as you do now, but be very careful. That might not be a given and this has the potential to be messy.

This is a rather strange post. Not sure what you’re trying to say?

Thank you, are there any dating sites you’d recommend the most?

I suggest feeld for casual dating (finding poly types) or fabswingers for more hook up oriented meets although you're just as likely to find a woman to date on fab as the crossover of users is massive!

Ah thank you! I may take the plunge and make an account then Just to have a look! Bit nervous

You want someone for sex only who will not be involved in your relationship at all who will just be a secondary sex partner. You want a unicorn of sorts.

I would suggest you read up on ethical non monogamy. You're talking about using someone for their body only and you'll be setting a lot of rules, which basically amounts to control without caring much about the secondary partner. You're also going to have to set boundaries in your primary relationship.

Also, once you go there, there is no going back and it will change your relationship.

You dont actually know.

Its like thinking you know what becoming a parent will be like. You don't a clue about the impact of it, your emotions and thought process until you actually do it.

Dh & I have spoken about this lots during our relationship. Neither of believe its realistic that you will spend your life with someone and never again feel attraction for someone else.

But we have also discussed the fact that while you may think sex and emotions can be kept separate that's something you only confirm once you have done it. Then its too late to undo.

Its all about your own personal risk tolerance and beliefs on life. I personally believe that you cant have everything you want. Once you make choices to switch paths you need to risk assess what you might gain versus lose.

My marriage and relationship and family unit is far to important to open Pandoras box that could implode the whole lot for sex.

Or a man saying 'my wife doesn't give me the sex I want, so I'm off to shag about, but I'm the hard done to one as am being dead noble about it'..🤨

I echo other posters. Your DH might be all in now but at the moment it isn't a reality. Sex is one of the most emotive subjects on the planet. He's aware of his inability to satisfy you and thinks this could be a solution, he thinks it would relieve his undoubted guilt.

That’s a very silly comparison given that my DH has said he wants me to continue and is happy for me to explore. It’s got nothing to do with double standards because this was never about that. If It were a bi guy and his wife for whatever reason stopped intimacy but encouraged him to have a relationship with another male, I see no issue with that either.

As for me ‘using’ someone for their body, well if you put it in such a way then we’re all using each other for one thing or another, and I think it’s pretty rude to assume my intentions with the other person, and all the rules I’ll have to make for them with the implication I’m some sort of puppet master, greedily taking for my own benefit and discarding them. I ideally want to find same sex, someone who I can become friends with that I may have sex with and fulfil a need. I’m not looking to take advantage of any woman, or sleep around, or take advantage of my husband just because he has given me this opportunity. I haven’t even committed to anything yet, just taking my husbands encouragement. There is a possibility I won’t find anyone, and I won’t have sex anymore. So be it.

as for me truly not knowing, that is true, but that’s just life is it not? I’d never let any situation harm our relationship. If I was friends with a woman and she started to get feelings then I would stop the friendship, because I only love my husband.

I don't think it's morally wrong at all to open up a relationship.
I do think it's risky in the sense it could open up a lot of feelings for both of you that you can't anticipate now.
He could feel much sadder/angrier/jealous once he grieves that he can't give you what he wants when it happens, even if he thinks he's cool with it now.
You could either develop feelings for someone else, or conversely you could feel guilty/distanced from your husband, find it doesn't work for you at all and come crashing back down.

I think open relationships are definitely right for some couples but the driver here is quite a sad one rather than two people embracing what they really desire, I'm not sure that's a recipe for success.

"I think it’s pretty rude to assume my intentions with the other person, and all the rules I’ll have to make for them with the implication I’m some sort of puppet master, greedily taking for my own benefit and discarding them. "

It's hardly rude to say you'll be using someone for sex. You said that yourself. You're looking for a sex partner. If you go out there with no info or boundaries about what you're doing, you're going to end up hurting someone else or yourself or everyone. Would it be ok for your secondary sex partner to feel used at some point and rock on up to your house and detail what you do to your husband?

Yeah. Rules. Boundaries. You need them.

What's rude about suggesting you inform yourself about ethical non monogamy?

I see your defensiveness about it. I wasn't being critical, I was suggesting you inform yourself

What's the angst then? You want to shag other people, he wants you to shag other people...

Get on one of the swingers sites mentioned above. Jobs a goodun!

People have FWB's all the time. Why shouldn't it be same sex and married?
I've had a threesome with two married women that were bi. It was a great night. In fact I'd love to meet them again.
I think OP get all the emotional support she needs from DH. Doesn't need from another but that could be different if same sex. Life is risky, but it does need to be lived.