I want him to take control (this may be long, sorry)

[amy111]

I don't even know where to begin

Firstly I suppose I need to say that I'm not a troll and I'm not a 14yo boy with nothing better to do on a Saturday. I'm not a regular but I have posted on occasion. I have namechanged for this post out of embarrassment. There is nowhere else I would feel safe discussing this subject and I wouldn't dream of talking about it to my best friend, she'd think I'm crazy.

This is likely to be a bit 'all over the place', sorry in advance if you decide to read further.

I have been in a very loving relationship for almost four years. I have a dd from a previous relationship (a shit relationship but one that made me more determined to be self-reliant and independant - he was hopeless with money and got us into debt among other things) I have always been very independant, hated taking orders, I left school early, left home early, left jobs because I hated being told what to do, left my last relationship because I couldn't stop him being destructive (in my opinion and to my standards which I still consider reasonable, you have to pay bills right? It's not sensible to spend all your money in a pub right?)

My Dad was someone I heard about but never knew though I had a male family member who was like a dad and I adored him. He was a wonderful role model and I respect him and love him dearly. My mother was controlling, very hurtful but she had an addictive nature and many problems of her own being the product of a dysfunctional family so whilst I'm angry with her for things she should take responsibility for, I bear no grudge (I don't think - confused)

Why am I telling you these things? Because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be controlled. I have always felt submissive inside and it has always been a battle to be independant and I wonder if any of the above has anything to do with it.

Being a single mother was both the most rewarding yet painful and stressful experience of my life. I knew as my daughter reached and exceeded all her little milestones that I was doing a good job. I was doing a good job holding down a fulltime job and being there for my daughter. I don't need to describe what it's like to love your child, you all know. That's how I love my baby, I'd do anything for her, I want the best for her and I'm proud of our relationship and how close we are but I'm tired. PLEASE don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not terribly great at typing what I really need to say like as if we were having a face to face conversation, please bear with me if you?re this far.

I'm not tired being a mother, I'm not tired being all I can be and do for her but I'm tired of living up to an expectation from society to be as good as any man, a strong independant female warrior... I want to rest and leave all the worries and stresses to my very capable, strong partner in life.

I don't want to be equal to him - I'm not. I want balance which is IMO entirely different to being equal. I want a more traditional relationship, he goes out and hunts for the dinner and I keep the cave clean. I want to be a strong earth female, who can give birth unassisted and cook a mean steak for her worthy man. I want him to protect me and our family. The balance? I do for him what I am good at (not saying I can't do anything I put my mind to) and he does what he is good at, we compliment eachothers existance and re-define the feminine/masculine roles in our relationship.

My question? Do you think I'm weak? I don't think I am, I just need to let the ball drop, for him to lead us and love us but it is all so against what I have lived all my life and I know some women, even men would be horrified at such a transgression in modern relationships.

Please talk to me.

whatever floats your boat honey, fuck everyone else

i think if it works for you and you and your DH find this style of traditional relationship works for you ,then who cares how you are perceived? if your relationship is happy and fulfilled, and you enjoy and don;t resent what you do, then go for it.

i thikn you are strong, especially to admit to a yearning for a 1950s style relationship that is so often sneered at

however, if you were being made to take on a role within the relationship that you were not happy to do, then that would be wrong.

what does your DH feel about this>

Have you told your partner what you want from him?

Yes, I have told him and he feels the same. The same in that to re-define our roles and live a more traditional relationship would be good for both of us.

I know he loves me and I love him. This is not about being a doormat, trust me, I would iron him in his sleep if for a minute he took me for granted. I think, though I am very confused about my own feelings and longings hence me seeking advice here, it's about allowing me to let my barriers down and trust him more instead of trying to mould him into metrosexual and me into a modern day highflying superwoman.

I wish I could say exactly how I feel. I really have choosen the best words so as not to appear completely deranged. I know it's the internet but keeping in mind that I am known, albiet in very small circles on mumsnet, I do respect your words and advice and I'm be mortified if you thought me mad

for grammatical errors.

I think what you want is to be a true equal where you can say your bit and get your needs met but if you want to get off the hamster wheel and let someone else take control for a while when you are feeling over whelmed you can. If you are as capable etc and independent as you say then the opposite extreme of that would not be good for you either.relationships are about give and take not extremes

As a starting point, can you think of some small ways where he can contribute more/differently, and where you'll be willing/able to relinquish control?

If that works successfully, perhaps you'll be able to gradually move to larger things.

I don't know, I'm craving almost,and seriously considering a complete handover of all responsibilities but you have a point. There's a small part of me that still feels the need to control. I'm questioning if it's a trust thing, a fear thing or a control thing.

I feel out of my dept now, emotionally. I know I can do my job just as good as any of the men (I'm one of very few women in my job) but I don't want to fight that fight anymore. I don't want to miss time with my child anymore because of it. I don't want to serve up another take-out to my DP because I'm too tired to cook after a stressful shift. I don't want to neglect either of them any more because I'm trying to fit into something I was reared to achieve.

Take a two piece jigsaw. Imagine it just one jigsaw with two pieces. They fit well together because they have that specific cut, one piece has a rounded bit to fit perfectly into the other bit which has an accommodating notch. Now what if you start to fashion those two pieces to look more like the other. They'd be equal but they wouldn't fit to make a jigsaw anymore, just two pieces the very same with no connection.

That's how I am beginning to see my relationship with dp. I don't want to be like him nor him me. I like that he is different. I don't need him to be more feminine and I don't want to be more masculine.

My heart wants what my upbringing and head won't allow and it's driving me to distraction.

Thank you for the posts BTW
custy

My dp and i have slipped into certain 'roles' over the years some shocking and traditional cliches and others peculiar to us and would probably drive other people mad.i am pretty control freaky at times but also enjoy some more submissive things There are ni rules as custy says its whatever floats your boat,

btw it sounds to me like you are just knackered and are wanting a break from being the chief which is understandable but would probably be short lived enjoyument if you had to live it 24/7

Noddy I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm not sure if I could live it and that's the confusing thing. Confusing because I WANT it. I have no idea why but I do but I'm so afraid to give up what I've worked for. to trust another human being, even the man I love, enough to make the right decisions for the greater good of our family. I've tried googling submissive but it seems that word is only linked to sexual websites with awful things like BDSM.

EarlyB I like that suggestion and we have both been discussing it over the last few days.

I feel conditioned into a life I never agreed to. Now I know that sounds nuts, I wouldn't blame anyone for looking at this thread and suggesting I seek councelling but I'm feeling it. Nuts it may be but it's there until I get a grip on it and figure it out.

I'm going to make a cuppa and go outside for a while. I'm so embarrassed. Thank you for not making me feel like an idiot.

have a look at surrendered wives..lots of books and stuff about it.

can you take a sabbatical from your job?

Wow! you could be me!
Except! I dropped the ball(at least for a while)and I get the distinct feeling/impression and small amount of feed back that I'm not the woman he thought I was which then changes the entire dynamic of the relationship - well, it did for us and I don't like it particularly.

Don't know if it's still on the go or not, as it was having website difficulties, but try googling for 'taken in hand' - it has a load of articles from the woman's pov and talks about a lot of what you've said re. wanting someone to take control, NOT in a bullying, domineering fashion, but as part of a loving relationship between equals. It also has a fair amount about spanking ( really should have namechanged for this - aww, what the hell!) but ignore that if it doesn't float your personal boat!

Are you trying to say this...?

To the outside world, all the time you had to, you donned your mask that told the world what a strong woman you are and that you could do it all and didn't necessarily need anyone else to help?
Trouble is, if it is the way you felt, people don't really get it when you seem to become someone else - even if it is the real you.

Was just about to suggest 'surrendered wives' but lulumama beat me to it - I saw a programmeabout this once, and they all seemed really happy with their choices. If it's what you both want it couldn't hurt to look into it, surely?

It all sounds a bit alarming to me to be frank. Sorry. But there is a lot going on there. Feeling tired, wanting something different, difficult family background, bad last relationship, issues around trust. I'm not even sure what you are asking. Is it okay to feel what you do? Should you give up work? Can you define what it is you are asking yourself? That might help clear things up.

oh god surrendered wives looks horrendous thats not what i think shes asking but it might be.What about just being instinctual and not having so many rules

I am a strong, independent and bloody minded woman, but I am still very traditional in mine and DP's roles.

My forte is the house and children, his is the money, he earns it, he deals with all bills etc.

I make all the rules in the house, whether it be bed times or what day I do a certain wash, we work well that way.

The key to a successful relationship IMO is appreciation, whether it be a relationship in which your responsibilities are mirrored or opposite, either way, if you are respected and appreciated it can work.

I know DP loves not having to worry about whether he has a shirt to wear, just as I love not to have to think about juggling finances or getting out of bed to go to work.

He is great with the children and will happily help in the home, he cooks once or twice a week, but when he does, I really appreciate it and feel almost, looked after, I suppose.

I had a life much like what you describe, mum was an evil bitch, step-dad a jealous twat that exerted his control at any possible time, left school at 15, left most of my jobs within 3 weeks, and had abusive controlling relationships, so always wanted to be 'in charge'. In my life now, as I see it, I chose to do what I want to, to some I may seem weak, but I'm no fool, if the way we live was pushed upon me my DP it wouldn't last, so though some (to quote destinys child) 'independent women' want to think I've laid down at the feet of a man and let down womankind, let them think it. I know, and DP knows what works for us, it isn't about control anymore, I know I can control if I want to, but now I'm respected and appreciated I no longer feel the need.

Sorry I went on a bit there!

I've had a cuppa, lots of thought but seems I'm going round in circles in my own head.

Thank you for the suggestions, I'll look them up soon.

Solo - yes, that's how it's always felt. That's what I meant by the battle for independance. It was something I had to do and be but not something I wanted. It's always been a mask.

NKF - I don't know what I'm asking if I'm honest. I fear that the things you mentioned alarmed you are what's causing me to want this type of relationship. That I'm damaged in some way and I don't know it. That I'm sick and have self esteem problems and havn't been able to recognise that in myself. Then there is a part of me that says 'hang on, you're an intelligent woman, you know yourself, your heart, you wishes and your needs and so what if it seems from the dark ages'. Unfortunately the later opinion doesn't last long and I begin to fear again that I have a very big problem.

Lulu - I'm thinking about it. It would give us the time to explore the new in our relationship whilst having the safety net my 'warrior' side needs.

Lovecat - I will look that up later. FWIW I don't have a problem with a little spanking. As already said, whatever floats your boat. I think though that there is a huge difference between erotic spanking and that which I have been horrified to find on the internet. I really am not into BDSM stuff, though each to their own and all that, because to me that is a 'play' thing and not a lifestyle I could lead. Torture and the like do not say 'love' or 'repect' to me. Taken in Hand sounds interesting.

I've lost where I'm at in the thread. Back in a minute.

I also endorse Taken In Hand (as something for you to look at: personally I'd rather shave my arse and call myself Ethel), and actually a little reading on and around BDSM relationships might help you. There are many levels and variations around BDSM and power-exchange relationships: you don;t have to dress in rubber and tie each other to the gatepost.
Basically if you and your partner find a particular type of relationship suits youboth then go for it and don't worry about what other people might think. Just don't fall in to the trap which sometimes occurs with people who suit this particular (femsub/traditonal roles) dynamic, of thinking that because it works for you, everyone else ought to do the same.

Madamez at shaving your arse and Ethel - lol

As I said I don't have any issues with bedroom (or bedpost) activity. I am very submissive in that department and it's something we're both happy with and enjoy it's just that this feeling of wanting a total lifestyle change is not for sexual gratification.

VS you have written exactly what I wish I was writing. We want a harmony and balance within our relationship that is based on love and respect and appreciation without worrying that observers (family, friends or otherwise) will see him as a domineering asshole and me as a doormat. I know we shouldn't care what others think but again, like you said, some might feel after all the bra burning that it is a transgression.

But why will people think you are a doormat if you give up work. Or are you thinking of walking 10 paces behind him? After all, women not working is not unusual and rarely requies this level of angst.

I don't see how it can be a transgression personally. IMO feminism and equality don't mean that we have to take on what were predominately male roles.

To me it means that we are of equal importance and value, that's it.

Also, I think anyone close to me knows if dp took the piss he'd be outta here, so who does the washing isn't really important.

VS you have it on the nail We have a relationship like that and it works because we are both getting and doing what we want.Other peoples opinions aer irrelevant as long as you are happy x