I want him to take control (this may be long, sorry)

[amy111]

I don't even know where to begin

Firstly I suppose I need to say that I'm not a troll and I'm not a 14yo boy with nothing better to do on a Saturday. I'm not a regular but I have posted on occasion. I have namechanged for this post out of embarrassment. There is nowhere else I would feel safe discussing this subject and I wouldn't dream of talking about it to my best friend, she'd think I'm crazy.

This is likely to be a bit 'all over the place', sorry in advance if you decide to read further.

I have been in a very loving relationship for almost four years. I have a dd from a previous relationship (a shit relationship but one that made me more determined to be self-reliant and independant - he was hopeless with money and got us into debt among other things) I have always been very independant, hated taking orders, I left school early, left home early, left jobs because I hated being told what to do, left my last relationship because I couldn't stop him being destructive (in my opinion and to my standards which I still consider reasonable, you have to pay bills right? It's not sensible to spend all your money in a pub right?)

My Dad was someone I heard about but never knew though I had a male family member who was like a dad and I adored him. He was a wonderful role model and I respect him and love him dearly. My mother was controlling, very hurtful but she had an addictive nature and many problems of her own being the product of a dysfunctional family so whilst I'm angry with her for things she should take responsibility for, I bear no grudge (I don't think - confused)

Why am I telling you these things? Because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be controlled. I have always felt submissive inside and it has always been a battle to be independant and I wonder if any of the above has anything to do with it.

Being a single mother was both the most rewarding yet painful and stressful experience of my life. I knew as my daughter reached and exceeded all her little milestones that I was doing a good job. I was doing a good job holding down a fulltime job and being there for my daughter. I don't need to describe what it's like to love your child, you all know. That's how I love my baby, I'd do anything for her, I want the best for her and I'm proud of our relationship and how close we are but I'm tired. PLEASE don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm not terribly great at typing what I really need to say like as if we were having a face to face conversation, please bear with me if you?re this far.

I'm not tired being a mother, I'm not tired being all I can be and do for her but I'm tired of living up to an expectation from society to be as good as any man, a strong independant female warrior... I want to rest and leave all the worries and stresses to my very capable, strong partner in life.

I don't want to be equal to him - I'm not. I want balance which is IMO entirely different to being equal. I want a more traditional relationship, he goes out and hunts for the dinner and I keep the cave clean. I want to be a strong earth female, who can give birth unassisted and cook a mean steak for her worthy man. I want him to protect me and our family. The balance? I do for him what I am good at (not saying I can't do anything I put my mind to) and he does what he is good at, we compliment eachothers existance and re-define the feminine/masculine roles in our relationship.

My question? Do you think I'm weak? I don't think I am, I just need to let the ball drop, for him to lead us and love us but it is all so against what I have lived all my life and I know some women, even men would be horrified at such a transgression in modern relationships.

Please talk to me.

NKF - it's not just about not working. I don't think not working outside the home would make me a doormat. I have many friends who are SAHM and from what I can see, it is as much a job as any outside the home but a lot more rewarding (based on what I think would be ideal but again every family is different so I'm talking out of school if I say much more on the subject)

Being the doormat and the transgression I'm talking about has nothing to do with being a SAHM - that's a debate I have no interest in because I can see the pros and cons of working in and out of the home and I don't tend to have opinions on anyone elses choices unless I have lived it and feel I have something valuable to add to the discussion. I have never been a SAHM so no opinion.

The reason I came here was because if I told any of my friends what I wanted they would all be against it. It seems that I have to keep my independant mask on and never allow him to have financial control because it could bring me to ruin if he left. I am not to cook for him because he's able bodied and I'm not a bloody slave. I musn't do his washing because he's a grown man so why can't he learn how to use a washing machine or iron a shirt. What the hell am I cutting the grass for when I have a man to do that. I don't like this attitude and I'm wondering (not so much now having read all the responses) if I'll be seen as a doormat for treating my man well when I know he'll treat me well. The only difference being that we allow ourselves to live out traditional roles.

I have to go again. I'm not sure if any of that made sense but I'll try to elaborate when I get back.

AMy, really, do have a read around the books and websites on dominance/submission or DS relationships (also serach under 'lifestyle' or '24/7'. Lots of people do feel the way you (and your partner) do and are working out ways to live in these kinds of relationships without it being exploitative or unhealthy.
OK there are some people who do fuck it up, some people whose behaviour tips into abuse, etc: my advice would be that a) you maintain a sense of humour about your life and the ability to see the funny side now and again and b) make sure that you could walk away if you wanted to (some people do stuff like burning their passports or handing over their bank account details to show 'commitment', this is a bit mental and inadvisable): not saying that you would, but it helps to keep a bit of perspective.
Best of luck with working it all out.

Amy, the way I see it is if you both do things for each other then, how are either of you being a doormat?

Yes, DP is able to cook, and clean and work a washing machine, and if i asked him to he would have no problem with doing it. I've both been in and seen volatile abusive controlling relationships.

The reason behind the roles/tasks is the issue, if you are doing it because you choose that role and areboth happy with it how can it be anything but right? If, however, you are doing it because you are expected to, or worrued how he may react if you don't or are forced into it by way of feeling demoralised etc then it's wrong, but I think the same can be said for women who would like to stay at home and be more 'traditional' that feel forced into the world of a working woman.

Sorry, Amy. I can see I've misunderstood your posts. Madamez clearly understands where you are coming from.Good luck.

Sorry, Amy. I can see I've misunderstood your posts. Madamez clearly understands where you are coming from.Good luck.

NKF - thank you, there's no need to apologise though. I have read over my posts and it would be very easy to see what you saw. I wasn't very 'together' yesterday and if I'm honest, I'm not much better today so I'd like, if I could to steal VS's and Madamezs well articulated thoughts and use them as my own. They have put into simple form what I struggled to write yesterday.

This is very much our choice. I know he or I would never take the other for granted so it can 'appear' to others wrong in their opinion if that's what they so narrow-mindedly choose to 'see' but I intend to let my newly found self be happy. As long as I don't hurt anyone else then my life is my life to live as I please.

I think it will take time though as I'm still struggling to 'unlearn' (I don't think that's a word but you know what I mean) things that have been expected of me (myself being the biggest, hardest and intollerant inforcer!) and trying to trust. DP has never given me any reason to mistrust him, it's me who struggles to let go of the past and the scars left by hurtful people.

I could be a million miles from the reality of why I feel this way but I think wanting, for real and to live, the life I've talked about is because DP is the first man in my life who has truely earned my love and respect and my desire to make happy. I never would have thought it this hard to trust again though.

I have had a look at Taken in Hand. Hmmm, a lot of very interesting reading! I'm intrigued and will read on.

Thank you for all the helpful posts.