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Original poster

Is my marriage over?

40 replies

ChristinaB1203 · 28/06/2025 08:02

Sorry this is probably going to be a long one.

Me and my husband have been together 10 years, married for 5. We have 1 DC, considering another.

When we first got together things were great. He made me feel like the most important person in the world and I'd never been loved like it.

Fast forward to we have our DC. Life got busy and the intimacy side of our relationship started to decline. During the 9 months I was pregnant he refused to have sex with me because it 'grossed him out' and after he was born it took 6 months before he would consider having it again.

We didn't have sex on our wedding night because 'he wasn't in the mood' and we only had sex once on our honeymoon. He never told me I looked nice on our wedding day but did complain that my dress was 'too long and got in the way'. Maybe I should have known them. I have since spoken to him about this and he told me I need to stop begging for compliments.

He does very little around the house, no washing, cooking, shopping etc. We recently had a serious conversation about this and he is getting better.

We rarely have sex maybe once every couple of months. He never makes a move and if we do have it he just says he wants to get it over with. There is no foreplay. I've tried buying sexy underwear/ toys but he isn't interested. He will often see me getting dressed/ in the shower but shows no desire. I'll dress up in nice clothes but again never a 'you look nice'. I've recently lost over 2 stone but he says he can't tell any difference.
He will often comment on things that are 'wrong' with me. You've got a massive spot on your face, you've missed behind your knee when shaving. It makes me feel self conscious. I've spoken to him about it but he just tells me I'm sensitive.

We don't spend anytime together and of an evening when DC is in bed he will sit and play computer games. I've tried asking him to spend 30 minutes together just watching some TV together but he complains we don't like the same shows and will just sit on his phone.
We are so lucky that we have people who want our DC for sleepovers. I have organised date nights when he does sleep out but often he can't be bothered and I have ended up cancelling tables/ taken my sister instead. So I've stopped planning them now.

He doesn't want to go and spend family days together and I often take DC out on my own as it's just not worth the argument asking him to come and if he does come he acts like he hates it and would rather be at home.

He is a wonderful father and I do love him. He will bring flowers home once a month once he's been paid and regularly tells me he loves me. But I feel unwanted and undesired. I'm only 30 and not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. Any advice on how I can improve things would be great.

OP posts:
itsme7 · 28/06/2025 08:08

Please read your post back and imagine it was written to you by your best friend. What would you say to them?

Honestly, he’s not going to change and you deserve so much better. So much better.

dijonketchup · 28/06/2025 08:10

OP, please don’t spend the rest of your life like this, my heart breaks for you. It sounds like you need a proper talk about what healthy relationship expectations are, and you need to believe you are worth them. In all likelihood it won’t change anything, as why would he step up now when he hasn’t in the past?

If he’s totally unreceptive, take your time, focus on yourself, stop trying to please this ungrateful man and start have some fun again while you work out how to leave.

inkognitha · 28/06/2025 08:12

You can’t improve someone other than you, that’s the hard truth.
He treats you like sh*t, sorry, and you shouldn’t accept it. The constant negging, the coldness, the lack of intimacy, it really must be awful for you.
He is no great father either or he would do more around the house or make sure his child is brought up in a happy, stable home by two parents who work as a team and can model good relationships.
For the love of God, please do not have another child with this man. Rather leave him.

Poonu · 28/06/2025 08:13

OP he's not a good father.

GoldMoon · 28/06/2025 08:14

He does sound quite critical of you and personally I would hate that .

I take it that he is drop dead gorgeous with no faults whatsoever and perfect in every way ?

Nope , well it's about time you start reminding him of the fact !

My dh doesnt pay me any compliments either but he also does not criticise me , I can have hairy legs & underarms and need a hairwash and not got dressed that day but he treats me exactly the same as any other day so it suits me fine as I'm hardly ever dressed up / made an effort that deserves a compliment !

MiloMinderbinder925 · 28/06/2025 08:15

He sounds awful. I have no idea why you married him as I doubt he's had a character transplant but your wedding/honeymoon sounds devastating.

Your relationship is over OP. Someone who can't be bothered to spend time with you, doesn't want you sexually, constantly criticises you and treats you like a skivvy doesn't care. A mangy bunch of flowers once a month doesn't make up for it.

AppleOfMyThirdEye · 28/06/2025 08:19

Why on earth you’d consider another child when this is your life I don’t know.

Twelftytwo · 28/06/2025 08:20

Is your marriage over?

I think you should WANT it to be over!

User0311 · 28/06/2025 08:24

This is no way to live! Life it too short

LeftieRightsHoarder · 28/06/2025 08:24

I can’t believe how many women on Mumsnet describe a horrible man who makes his wife’s life a misery — and then say he’s a wonderful father!

As @Inkognitha says, He is no great father either or he would … make sure his child is brought up in a happy, stable home by two parents who work as a team and can model good relationships.

OP, you and DC deserve better. Please leave this dreadful marriage.

ginasevern · 28/06/2025 08:26

Firstly, why in god's name are you even considering another child? Secondly, you say he regularly tells you he loves you but that rather contradicts the constant criticism. Which leads to my next question - is it possible that he's gay?

Stockgirl · 28/06/2025 08:26

It's sounds like you're putting in the effort in the relationship.
I would sit him down and say that you either go to counselling or you're leaving, he needs to know how unhappy you are.
Please don't have another baby because it won't help the situation it will only add to the pressure.
You deserve to be in a happy fulfilling relationship 💗..

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 28/06/2025 08:30

Do not have any more children with this man, it's unfortunate that you went ahead and had a child with him already.

The fact that you didn't have sex for over a year during your pregnancy/post partum phase suggests he's getting it elsewhere. Especially because he also lives and works away during the week.

What's stopping you from living closer to his work place to keep an eye out for an affair?

YellowGrey · 28/06/2025 08:31

He sounds a bit miserable. I'd be really sad if my DH didn't want to come out for dinner with me or spend time together in the evenings. Would you consider couples counselling? It sounds like this could be salvaged but only if he's prepared to put in the effort.

AgnesX · 28/06/2025 08:34

In what way is he a wonderful father, you've written nothing that indicates that he is and I don't understand why you want another child with him.

More to the point though, he needs to be a better husband and partner. What does he bring to the table other than his presence.

ShoeeMcfee · 28/06/2025 08:37

I don't think he loves you, OP. I'm sorry.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2025 08:38

You were together 5 years before you got married, what was the sex and the compliments and the time spent together like then?

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 28/06/2025 08:39

He’s not a wonderful father if he won’t even go on days out with you and your son, is he? You said he acts like he hates it and would rather he at home… how is that being a wonderful father?

Dumfoundedmorethanonce · 28/06/2025 08:40

My marriage got like this and I’m in the process of divorce. It’s a very difficult time but I’m really looking forward to the future. He’s been sucking the life out of me

Original poster
ChristinaB1203 · 28/06/2025 08:44

@ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan he doesn't work or live away during the week. So not sure where you have picked that up from.
I don't think he is having an affair. To be frank that requires effort I don't think he'd put into it.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 28/06/2025 08:44

Sounds like he used you to procreate and have his child, he isn’t in a relationship with you, he tolerates you. There is no like, no passion and only criticism, that is so toxic to bring up children in!
Is he in the closet? He sounds like a woman’s body repulses him. Has he used you as a smokescreen?

Original poster
ChristinaB1203 · 28/06/2025 08:48

He is a good father. He will put DC to bed with me every night, always reads him a story. Is very loving towards him and will play with him.

Before our marriage it was better though he's never been the best at 'helping' and did need constant reminders which before DC was fine but now we have DC and I work full time it's exhausting having to 'ask' someone to help all the time. Just easier to do it myself.
The sex was good for the first 2 years and then it sorted of dipped off, he just said 'we're not in the honeymoon phases anymore'.

It's the lack of wanting/ desire that really gets me down. It's like I'm just a housemate he says he loves. Never any kisses or cuddles. Never any compliments. It's upset me greatly that ive lost a significant amount of weight, and he says he can't tell. I'm not perfect, and still have another stone and half to go but some encouragement would be nice. I thought maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore so losing weight would help but it hasn't.

OP posts:
Mylovelygreendress · 28/06/2025 08:48

In what way is he a wonderful father ??

Littlebutloud · 28/06/2025 08:48

ChristinaB1203 · 28/06/2025 08:02

Sorry this is probably going to be a long one.

Me and my husband have been together 10 years, married for 5. We have 1 DC, considering another.

When we first got together things were great. He made me feel like the most important person in the world and I'd never been loved like it.

Fast forward to we have our DC. Life got busy and the intimacy side of our relationship started to decline. During the 9 months I was pregnant he refused to have sex with me because it 'grossed him out' and after he was born it took 6 months before he would consider having it again.

We didn't have sex on our wedding night because 'he wasn't in the mood' and we only had sex once on our honeymoon. He never told me I looked nice on our wedding day but did complain that my dress was 'too long and got in the way'. Maybe I should have known them. I have since spoken to him about this and he told me I need to stop begging for compliments.

He does very little around the house, no washing, cooking, shopping etc. We recently had a serious conversation about this and he is getting better.

We rarely have sex maybe once every couple of months. He never makes a move and if we do have it he just says he wants to get it over with. There is no foreplay. I've tried buying sexy underwear/ toys but he isn't interested. He will often see me getting dressed/ in the shower but shows no desire. I'll dress up in nice clothes but again never a 'you look nice'. I've recently lost over 2 stone but he says he can't tell any difference.
He will often comment on things that are 'wrong' with me. You've got a massive spot on your face, you've missed behind your knee when shaving. It makes me feel self conscious. I've spoken to him about it but he just tells me I'm sensitive.

We don't spend anytime together and of an evening when DC is in bed he will sit and play computer games. I've tried asking him to spend 30 minutes together just watching some TV together but he complains we don't like the same shows and will just sit on his phone.
We are so lucky that we have people who want our DC for sleepovers. I have organised date nights when he does sleep out but often he can't be bothered and I have ended up cancelling tables/ taken my sister instead. So I've stopped planning them now.

He doesn't want to go and spend family days together and I often take DC out on my own as it's just not worth the argument asking him to come and if he does come he acts like he hates it and would rather be at home.

He is a wonderful father and I do love him. He will bring flowers home once a month once he's been paid and regularly tells me he loves me. But I feel unwanted and undesired. I'm only 30 and not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. Any advice on how I can improve things would be great.

He’s not a great Father. You are so young - do you want to spend the next 40/50/60 years feeling like this? Move on

BCBird · 28/06/2025 08:51

I would not consider having another child. Before you got married you say you have never felt so.loved. it sounds like now he's got you, he doesn't feel like he needs to.make an.effort. Strange question perhaps, would people say he's punching above his weight do you think? Wonder if he might be passing his insecurities onto you?