Is my marriage over?

[ChristinaB1203]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long one.

Me and my husband have been together 10 years, married for 5. We have 1 DC, considering another.

When we first got together things were great. He made me feel like the most important person in the world and I'd never been loved like it.

Fast forward to we have our DC. Life got busy and the intimacy side of our relationship started to decline. During the 9 months I was pregnant he refused to have sex with me because it 'grossed him out' and after he was born it took 6 months before he would consider having it again.

We didn't have sex on our wedding night because 'he wasn't in the mood' and we only had sex once on our honeymoon. He never told me I looked nice on our wedding day but did complain that my dress was 'too long and got in the way'. Maybe I should have known them. I have since spoken to him about this and he told me I need to stop begging for compliments.

He does very little around the house, no washing, cooking, shopping etc. We recently had a serious conversation about this and he is getting better.

We rarely have sex maybe once every couple of months. He never makes a move and if we do have it he just says he wants to get it over with. There is no foreplay. I've tried buying sexy underwear/ toys but he isn't interested. He will often see me getting dressed/ in the shower but shows no desire. I'll dress up in nice clothes but again never a 'you look nice'. I've recently lost over 2 stone but he says he can't tell any difference.
He will often comment on things that are 'wrong' with me. You've got a massive spot on your face, you've missed behind your knee when shaving. It makes me feel self conscious. I've spoken to him about it but he just tells me I'm sensitive.

We don't spend anytime together and of an evening when DC is in bed he will sit and play computer games. I've tried asking him to spend 30 minutes together just watching some TV together but he complains we don't like the same shows and will just sit on his phone.
We are so lucky that we have people who want our DC for sleepovers. I have organised date nights when he does sleep out but often he can't be bothered and I have ended up cancelling tables/ taken my sister instead. So I've stopped planning them now.

He doesn't want to go and spend family days together and I often take DC out on my own as it's just not worth the argument asking him to come and if he does come he acts like he hates it and would rather be at home.

He is a wonderful father and I do love him. He will bring flowers home once a month once he's been paid and regularly tells me he loves me. But I feel unwanted and undesired. I'm only 30 and not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. Any advice on how I can improve things would be great.

Honestly, I would treat a stranger better than your husband treats you!

You say he’s a good dad but he does no chores around the house, never wants to go out and spend the day with his DC because he would prefer to be at home and constantly criticises their mum making her sad…

Relationships that are no longer in the “honeymoon phase” are not always like that. You have been with him as long as he has been with you and you’re still keen to have sex, date him and spend time as a family.

Sounds to me like he’s checked out already.

He's not a good father. Don't labour under that illusion. Having children involves domestic graft. Washing their clothes, buying new shoes, meal planning, cooking, washing up, changing their beds, homework with them, keeping a clean house, packed lunches etc etc and that's just a small part of it. If he's leaving all the donkey work to you, then he's a lazy oik.

What kind of father treats his Child's mother like this? A bad one, that's the answer. Anyone can read a child a book. He is absolutely awful with you. Do you really think that's not going to have an impact on your child?

If the marriage isn't over yet it should be - don't wait til you're 45 to decide you deserve better than this

op I'm not being a cow, but you need the contrast.

My husband is a good dad.
He does bed times at least as often as I do, he has different kids on his own two nights a week whilst I take others to club and he feeds them, he cooks occasionally l, he does their laundry and changes their beds. All of that is just basic parenting. He doesn't get points for that.
He also loves spending time with them, he takes them out to play or plays Lego and board games with them and we have a lovely time together out or in.
He treats their mother with love and respect and models what a good Dad is and a healthy relationship is. He is a good son and he shows his sons how to be a good adult child, he doesn't expect me to do presents etc for his family unless something has gone wrong.

He books days off to do school trips, even though a coach full of 5 year olds is hell, because I need him to and cos our kids want him to.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's "better" parents out there than us, I think we're fairly standard good parents who try hard and mess up. But can you see how it's more than a few bedtimes and playing? Putting on the "amazing father" pedestal is what will keep you locked into an unhappy marriage. You need to see him for real and THEN decide.

OP, being a ‘wonderful father’ is about more than just being nice to your children. It’s about working with your partner to create a happy home environment and instead of viewing household stuff as ‘helping’, understanding you both chose to bring children into the world, so you share the responsibility of making sure they’re healthy, happy and that ‘life admin’ is something you do together.

One of my friends was in a similar marriage with a man who was basically indifferent toward her. She tearfully said to me one time that she almost wished he was angry and combative because at least then he showed something toward her but the indifference was like a slow death, killing off her self esteem. I’m not minimising DV (just in case anyone thinks that!!) but being treated like an invisible object will do that to your thinking.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You MUST know that it is a bad idea to try to conceive a second child at the same time that you are wondering whether your marriage is over! If you truly believe that those two things are compatible then I don’t think anyone here could help you because that is so beyond reason that I don’t know where to begin.

I think that probably sounds harsh and it’s genuinely not meant that way but not getting pregnant seems fundamental here. Men like your husband don’t improve when they think they have you trapped (which is what a newborn would do), they double-down and get worse.

This!! Please listen OP! Your posts are so sad to read, he'll erode you to nothing if you stay.

OP

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

re your comment
"He is a good father. He will put DC to bed with me every night, always reads him a story. Is very loving towards him and will play with him".

That is a sub level low bar for a father right there. It's way too low and he is also more than happy to leave you to do all the life admin for and around the home. Women in poor relationships often write similar when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Did you see similar between your parents when you were growing up? What did you learn from them about relationships?.

Do not bring another child into this relationship. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he/she learning here?. This is patently not the model your child should be seeing.

Your marriage is over. Don’t accept a life like this, you deserve better

i think you should concentrate on yourself and your child. Your H doesn’t sound very interested. I’d definitely not be considering bringing another child into this - band aid babies rarely work, and having one child will make it easier to break free than having 2 or more.

Think about how you want the next two:five/ten years of your life to look - do you want to feel loved and cherished? You could have a relationship like that if you want, just not likely with this man.

A wonderful father would not make the mother of his children feel like this I’m afraid. I’m in not too dissimilar a situation and I’ve told him I want a divorce as I saw no signs of change or even a willingness to try.

I’d usually say “work on it” but he doesn’t sound like a person worth bothering with. I think you could easily learn to hate a partner who has so little care and lacks empathy so obviously

So here’s my advice: if you need more sex, more affection - leave.

If you truly love him (why?) and can tolerate him for dc sake then distance yourself emotionally.

Lose weight for you.

Dress nice your yourself.

Have hairy pits because you want hairy pits!

And starts criticising him back. “You’ve put on belly fat, that’s unhealthy and unattractive. Why don’t you exercise more? Vaccuming and dusting might give you a chance to use some calories.” “You’re lazy and unkind.” “You’re a good dad sometimes, but your effort is patchy and you leave me doing all the drudgery so you really need to work on yourself and pull your weight.”

Doesn’t want to go on family days is a dealbreaker really isn’t it? It’s certainly not wonderful dad material. And not doing his share around the house is definitely a deal breaker, as is constant criticism of minor points. At the moment op, this is a marriage that should end, for your sake. Plan a day out on Saturday, take the kids, tell him calmly he should want to spend a day out with his family, and if he doesn’t go use the Sunday to go out and think.

He is a good father. He will put DC to bed with me every night, always reads him a story. Is very loving towards him and will play with him.

You just described a babysitter. That's barely parenting, nevermind being a good parent. He should do everything you do, without needing asked.
He's meant to cherish you, enhance your life, make everything easier and fun.
You could be enjoying life. Divorce is easy to start online. Believe what this man is telling you through his actions.