Feeling low about dh and straining upder the pressure of responsibility

[ljhooray]

Hope they'll be some words of wisdom out there but I'm finding myself occassionally feeling pretty low and lonely at the mo. I have a lovely dd 15mths, I'm director of a business that's pretty intense, sole breadwinner and married to a dh who whilst supprtive about my work and pulls his qieght with dd and home, feels really distant from me. He gave up work 8 moths ago, as he really wasn't enjoying his work. Was totally supportive about this and at first he really put some work into what would happen next, but last few months, it's all gone quiet. He doesn't feel he should rush into something as I had told him I was fine with hime not working. But he's throwing himself into golf but not into any steps to work. I'd be happy for him to study if he wanted but he thinks that's pointless. I feel us drifting apart, I've always been the main earner but I sometimes feel crished under the responsibility of keeping the family going. I work 4 days a week and take care of little one on the other days. DH only has her 1 day a week (we've kept her at nursery even though he's not working as she loves it so much). I get a couple of hours off on a staurday to myself which is great but the time dh and I spend together (mainly evenings) is dull and predictable (in front of the TV). I love him very much but feel our once very strong relationship is drifting away, feels like we have nothing in common. Sorry about the long post but I'm determined not to throw in the towel, problem is apparently it's only me that's unhappy with the situation!

Do you need the extra income from him working?

There seems to be some inbalance if he is not actually looking after your DD other than 1 day a week. Surely on your days off the responsibility for her should be shared?

Most importantly though - have you spoken to him about any of this yet?

You need to have a talk with him about what he is going to do. Even if you don't need him to work for financial reasons, he needs to be contributing something to the household. Otherwise it's like you have two children instead of one, and what's in it for you? When there is a SAHP in the family, that person usually does the bulk of the childcare and a fair chunk of the housework: not because the SAHP is the WOHP's servant but because it's a contribution towards the household. Why should you support him to lie about the place and play golf?
I'm not surprised you feel you're drifting apart: it;s hard to retain romantic or sexual or loving feelings about someone who is becoming a parasite.

Don't need the money, we can get by on mine (although it's getting tighter). I have spoken to hime but he thinks its just a low patch and my expectations are too high, every relationship goes through this. Thing is I'm really starting to resent him, mainly because I feel somewhat taken for granted (if I raise the work thing, he throws the fact I said I would support him back in my face, claiming I mustn't have meant it) but how long do you wait? Any suggestions I make for future jobs of business get thrown back, I'm so frustrated!

He's great at keeping the house together but frankly, I'd rather find some money for some cleaning help and have a husband that (feel really bad saying this!) but was more of an equal rather than as Madamez said, another child.

You are being taken for granted. He may not be ready to work yet, but as madamez says, he should be contributing something to the household.

It is not surprising you feel resentful.

What really worries me is that sometimes on the days I have with dd, when I think about how I feel I find here difficult to cope with even though she's great (just the odd toddler moment.

What's odd is that he has always seemed to have quite a strong work ethic, so I did start to woory he was a little depressed or low on confidence, but he assures me he's fine it's just right now, there's no suitable opportunity out there.

This is not a sustainable situation for you. I would spell out very clearly to him how you are beginning to feel resentful - perhaps how you agreed to support him but not as an open-ended option, and you expected him to take on a reasonable share of the housework/childcare. I think you actually need to sit down and think of definite practical things he could help you with to take the load off you and talk about him doing those.

If he still does nothing, I'm not sure what to suggest, but in that situation, he does not seem to be fully committed to you and sharing the burden. I would try not to let him take the easy options. You are giving him the chance to doss and it might become a habit! Would he feel embarrassed if you discussed the situation with others in front of him eg his parents/siblings??

I'm not really one to advise though, as dp is not exactly proactive about the house (he does work hard though..)

I think you're spot on there oldcrock, it's the open-ended part of it I didn't expect. Fortunately, he's pretty good round the house, nut I feel overwhelmed with the pace of the rest of my life and would love to be with someone who was there with me, rather than as an observer to our lives

Gotta go now as dd is up from her nap but hope I'll find some more words of wisdom later

Interesting thread, because it highlights the issues when there is an imbalance in the relationship, but from an interesting perspective. In most cases, it's the father who tends to carry the responsibility of earning, so it's useful to see how you feel having to take this on.
It sounds like your dh is depressed. Depression is a nasty thing; it can eat away at you over a period of time, so he won't necessarily seem in a really bad way,more that he's lost his way in life. If your dd is at nursery 4 days a week then what is he doing with his time? It's a bit like being a SAHP would be once all the children are in school i imagine. He has no structure to his day, and no real purpose. Work is terribly important for helping provide a sense of identity etc. Not that it totally defines who we are, but it's a big part of it. Sounds like he's at a low ebb - he's not contributing financially, or even taking care of his child on a day to day basis, so it's not surprising he's lost his spark. I think you need an urgent discussion about how you see things panning out over the next 6 months / year etc.

If this was a man posting about his wife I wonder how different the answers would be...

Interesting thought, though i would suspect the responses would be similar.
Parallel situation would be husband working hard as sole earner, wife sitting around/watching tv, going to the gym, with kids all in nursery or school. Husband feeling pressure of being sole earner and also drifting apart from wife as they seem to have little in common. What i said in my post was that I think it's exactly the same, although it's less common this way round. I would hope that whichever way around, the responses would be supportive (as they have been on here). The DH in this situation sounds depressed and lacking a focus in his life. The marriage is drifting because their lives are diverging. Time for honest discussion about sharing responsibilities.

The golf alone would put me off. Why doesn't he get a job?

Well, whatever the genders, this is a good illustration of why SAHPs can come unstuck, it's just too easy to slide into the pattern of either subservience (the breadwinner must be pampered because he/she earns the money, the SAHP does everything else) or mutual resentment (the WOHP feels that he/she is working long hours for not that much money, never seeing the DC and that the SAHP does nothing but watch telly and whine: the SAHP feels stifled, bored, depressed and like a non-person).

But it's harder this way round because there is no social support for the role of idler.

It seems to me that you need dh to work in order to repect him and a SAHD would not be a role you would be happy for him to have?

Have you discussed how you feel with dh?

Agree with madamez. The 'role reversal' situation in this relationship just seems to be too testing for the OP.

Sounds like he needs to have a job to respect HIMSELF, never mind respect from his wife.

This is a really interesting thread for me as I am currently in the position of being the sole breadwinner for our family simply because I have a higher earning power for less hours than DH so he's taking time off while our kids are small.

He's always been a hard worker and has found the adjustment harder than he thought although he's loving the bond he's formed with both our ds's which - his words - most dads never get. Having said that, he's found it difficult to stay motivated. He does most of the housework and pretty much everything else we split but he has found it difficult to motivate himself to do all the diy that needs doing (we've been doing our house up slowly) and when he does have jobs come in finds it hard to get up the enthusiasm to go. What I'm getting at it that its a very alien role for a man, sorry if thats sexist but I do believe its true and your dh may simply not know what to do with himself. It may be that you need to be the proactive one here and 'pull' him out of this. As other posters have suggested start with the household stuff, what should you each be responsible for (dd should always be joint when you're not working obviously), then move on the work/education, perhaps give him a target - 2 months to find work/start interviewing/start developing a business plan/apply for next course. Think you should point out in no uncertain terms that you HAVE been supportive, he is making NO effort and the responsibility is too much for you alone if there is no clear plan/timescale in place. I wouldn't go down the road of calling him a parasite or burden as thats just unkind and unproductive.

I feel the pressure hugely too sometimes, I feel pulled away from the ds's and get very jealous of the time he has with them. We have a plan in place fof DH to get back to work as ds2 gets older and starts nursery. he has free reign what he wants to do as he's thinking of a career change but is already planning and researching.

Fortunately we've never been a competetive couple and we work mostly as a team and have no issues about my money/his money - its all ours. Seems to me that that might be whats missing for you, you're providing all the support and understanding and getting very little back in return. That kind of relationship is unsustainable.

Right after that tome I'll stop, hope it helps a little anyway
phee

Pheebe, thank you so much as you've really hit home with me there. He isn't lying around doing nothing all day, jobs in the house get done and whilst cooking is left to me, the balance is definitely more on him with regards to the house, But for me, that's not the point, its the motivation and having something to give you a sense of identity that's more important. I would be very happy for him to work part time (I do 4 days a week and that works well, although money is starting to get tight), We too don't have issues on money, everything is joint and I certainly don't resent being the higher earner, it's more about working together for our future.

I don't think it is so much a case of there not being (suitable) work out there for him atm but that he does not WANT to go out to work. You said he quit work 8 months ago because he was not enjoying his job and seems satisfied with his current lifestyle.

"Thing is I'm really starting to resent him, mainly because I feel somewhat taken for granted (if I raise the work thing, he throws the fact I said I would support him back in my face, claiming I mustn't have meant it)" He knows he is in the wrong, that may be why he is withdrawing a bit, he doesn't want to be pressurised into going back out to work.

DOn't know how you solve this though really. You don't know anyone who could give him a part-time/temporary job? I'd insist he take it whilst looking around for something more appropriate. If he refuses to even do that, you know you have a big problem

Well SSSandy2, looks like I have a big problem, has told me it's none of my business what career change he decides. Told me it's my fault because I always have to get involved and know more than him. What a marriage eh?! Now don't know what to do

Point out to him as nicely as possible that it is your business because you are supporting him and cannot do so indefinitely when he is an able bodied adult. It sounds like he's got some issues with the fact that you earn more, TBH and rather than looking for a job he's going to lie around wanking and blame you for not being a 'proper' woman ie subservient to him.

none of your business!!!

Right, this is the point at which I would be telling him to grow up, get a grip, stand up and be a man, shape up or ship out (and as many other cliches as I could muster) but basically got off his arse and start contributing to the family - life is not about him anymore its about him, you and the kids and if he doesn't want to do all he can to contribute to it he should reconsider his position in the family, not just his position in the work place. Think its time for you to get angry hun