Feeling low about dh and straining upder the pressure of responsibility

[ljhooray]

Hope they'll be some words of wisdom out there but I'm finding myself occassionally feeling pretty low and lonely at the mo. I have a lovely dd 15mths, I'm director of a business that's pretty intense, sole breadwinner and married to a dh who whilst supprtive about my work and pulls his qieght with dd and home, feels really distant from me. He gave up work 8 moths ago, as he really wasn't enjoying his work. Was totally supportive about this and at first he really put some work into what would happen next, but last few months, it's all gone quiet. He doesn't feel he should rush into something as I had told him I was fine with hime not working. But he's throwing himself into golf but not into any steps to work. I'd be happy for him to study if he wanted but he thinks that's pointless. I feel us drifting apart, I've always been the main earner but I sometimes feel crished under the responsibility of keeping the family going. I work 4 days a week and take care of little one on the other days. DH only has her 1 day a week (we've kept her at nursery even though he's not working as she loves it so much). I get a couple of hours off on a staurday to myself which is great but the time dh and I spend together (mainly evenings) is dull and predictable (in front of the TV). I love him very much but feel our once very strong relationship is drifting away, feels like we have nothing in common. Sorry about the long post but I'm determined not to throw in the towel, problem is apparently it's only me that's unhappy with the situation!

Hi Pheebe, that's exactly how I feel, really hurt by this none of my business nonsense, thought that's what a marriage is all about.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It's a really difficult one to handle and I'm not brilliant on male psychology. In your shoes I would resent him and I am sure I would not feel like having an intimate relationship with him. I would also feel angry and hurt.

Well, can you throw it back at him? Men are supposed to be problem solvers by nature. "Ok well the situation atm is that our marriage is in big trouble. I thought when I agreed to support you whilst you look for a new job that it would be fine for me but it isn't and hasn't been for a long time. I'm changing in how I feel about you as the man in my life. If we want to keep this marriage and our family life going, things have to be changed. How do we do that?"

Would you consider going to a counsellor on your own to get some advice on how to handle him and how to change the dynamics of the relationship? He is digging in his heels because frankly he's happy with a comfortable life but it's disrepectful, unhelpful and selfish the way he is carrying on.

You know, SSSandy2 that's exactly what I was thinking, gonna ring the doctors soon as they have a counsellor who works out of the surgery. Just can't go on like this, really want it to work because I don't think I could live with the guilt if we split up, poor dd, she's only 15 mths old.

yes I understand you perfectly. I haven't yet personally had to support a partner financially but I could imagine doing it under certain circumstances: if he was training/having to finish something up which would give him better qualifications, obviously in illness, if he was made redundant etc but as an open-ended situation, which is how it appears to you right now, I don't think I could handle it.

He's being totally unreasonable about it, he can't expect you to support him indefinitely whilst he practices golf and waits for the dream job to drop in his lap, that's taking advantage of someone's goodwill and not pulling together in a partnership. He's not coming across as a loving/caring partner in your posts.

Was the relationship good when he was in his last job?

Funnily enough, although he was stressed, we got on much better and when he first stopped work and we talked about the future, it was great. But that was quite some time ago. He's waiting for someone to come along and give him the answer rather than find it himself. He has now decided training and education are pointless (great lesson for dd!) and as he wants to work with property and that market is declining, he'll just have to wait. Thing is, I've been very discplined and but away a buffer of money as I'm self employed so in his mind, what's the rush?

I sympathise lj i really do- i haven't read all of your posts but i wanted to throw something into the mix. It is NOT a criticism, just a question (i would probably feel the same about my DP if i were in your position). But i would just wonder, all those things you said about him not being motivated, not having identity etc etc , well it sounds like xenia posting about SAHMs. I am a SAHM and do find motivating myself hard, i probably don't do as much as your DH but no one criticises me for it. I mean, they wouldnt dare, would they!

It sounds to me like your DH has got into a rut - personally i would be hopping mad about the golf (whats that all about??) and i would want my DP to either have DD at home or work. But, speaking as someone who should be working as we struggle financially, but has lost her confidence it IS hard to motivate oneself.

I don't know what to suggest.

Ive always regarded SAHDs with high esteem, don't know why, they are only doing what millions of women do day in day out. But it always seems such a positive choice for the men, the ones i know really love it. I guess you have to be pretty sure of yourself though, SAHMs are made to feel inferior so to be a SAHD is probably not good for the ego.

I think you should talk to your DH and say that whilst you are happy for things to stay this way at the moment, you do not want this situation to continue. He really should either retrain, study or get some part time work while DD out of the house. What about voluntary work - not working in a charity shop but something positive and challenging, comittee membership or something?? I would love to do that, but childcare would be a major issue.

Good luck - don't let this fester, he needs a kick up the bum, but do it gently

I'm sorry you have a full time parent at home and still send your 15 month old to nursery

If I were you I would take her out of nursery and make him the full-time carer ... it is fair enough for a parent to stay at home if they are being a parent but if they aren't then they are just freeloading IMO

I don't think the issue is that he isn't working, it's more what he does with his time that's the problem.

I don't think it's fair to say that the answers were different if he were a SAHM. He isn't a SAHD is he? Your dd goes to nursery for most of the time you aren't there. How many other SAHP's still have childcare for their preschoolers for the majority of the time? Very few I should think.

You agreed to support him but as you say that support can't be indefinite. He needs to be doing something to contribute, that contribution could be a more hands on parenting role or training or earning money. You are bankrolling a very nice life for him atm and I can totally understand why you have had enough.

Above all there needs to be a time limit on things here: there is no good reason why you should be expected to carry an able-bodied adult for the rest of his life. Some people basically are a bit parasitic and its important not to let them get away with it indefinitely: you have a child, you don't need a useless adult dependent as well.

It woudl be easier on OP if there was a time limit but how does she now effectively enforce one?

Any progress OP did this get sorted out?

ZOMBIE