Has anyone else post decide decided a conventional relationship isn’t for them?

[Earpod]

• title should say post divorce*

I am 6 years post divorce with 2 primary school aged children. I have had relationships since but all have wanted to move in, blend families, have more children etc.
I don’t think that’s for me, I’d like to have a relationship that is separate to my family life (I have free time as we have 50/50 time with children), do nice things together, trips etc but also be in a committed enough relationship, support each other. I’m early 30s and my friends all think I’m mad to not look for another marriage etc but that just doesn’t appeal to me.
is there anyone else who feels like me and how has it went for you?

It’s a phase

Yes, divorced 7 years in my 40s. I dated a bit all the men wanted to live together etc.. but I just like having my own house for me and my child. My own finances and my own space! I’ve very luckily met someone who feels the same. We’ll never live together but the time we do spend together is nice, we don’t do joint children activities and force our families together. It’s been working well for 2 years now and I can’t see either of us changing our minds about living together!!

I'm very recently separated but right now I'm feeling exactly the same as you OP and eventually hope for something like @DaftNoodle has. The idea of another man moving in, of step kids etc, sounds awful!

I’m not in your situation but I totally agree with you. I wouldn’t want to blend families, spend time with someone else’s kids etc. You have a new slice of freedom and why would you want to fill it with family life again?? Madness. Enjoy the singledom for now. You may feel different in ten years. But if you’re only in your early thirties, the last thing you want is to settle down again - things could go wrong again and you’ll be early forties, with two failed marriages behind you and kids from different blokes.

Just hold fire for now. Your friends are telling you to meet someone else because they’re jealous that you have so much freedom.

This is exactly what I’d want! Certainly until
my kids are adults. Maybe for ever!

My own independent life, finances and space, spending quality time with a partner a few times a week. Perfect!

Had a relationship like this for 5 years now. Absolutely brilliant. We see each other a few times a week, still do normal couple stuff like food shopping and wandering around B & Q on a weekend as well as dates. Kids between us range from 11 to 21 and we have no intention of trying to blend anything.

Neither of us want any more children and reading the step parenting board makes me so glad it's just me and DD with our pink cushions, fairy lights and Gilmore Girls/Bake Off when we want.

We both have our own homes and don't share any finances. My independence is so important to me, but he's a superb man who will do anything for me if I asked him.

Works perfectly for us.

I don't think it's particularly unconventional to be interested in a relationship, but not plan to live together or marry, blend families or have more children. It sounds perfectly sensible, and as if you're consulting both your own wishes and the welfare of your children.

I’m a single mum and not doing relationships at all (dipped my toe in OLD, wasn’t impressed and don’t really have time) - but if I did I definitely wouldn’t have moved anyone in. My kids actually asked me not to (they were primary school age when we separated) and I wouldn’t want to go back to having a man in the household either, having to think about his needs, opinions and stuff, not having my own space and bed etc. I don’t really know why so many people do do it.

And because I’m an old cynic (and have read too many cocklodger threads on MN!) I’d be a bit suspicious about any man who was in a hurry to move in. Does he just want to get all his housework done, sponge off you, be a controlling arse or even worse possibly want access to your DC? It’s also putting you in a position where it’s more difficult to end it if you want to.

I think a relationship where you don’t move in together is the ideal when you already have DC, and I’d respect a man who is also happy with that and likes his own space.

Yeah I’ve been with my bf 2 years and can’t see us ever living together . For many reasons . I’m lucky that I’m financially stable and don’t struggle to live alone in that sense . Best of both worlds imo

I really love my husband and our relationship is completely solid. But if things went wrong, I don’t think I’d ever want to live with another person (apart from DC!)

I have a family member who has a long term partner, must be approaching 20 years, and some degree of separation works for them. He has his house, she has hers. They have set days and nights they see each other, the other nights is their own time. It's very rare we see her at any family events.

Both are divorced and I guess they just value some time to themselves having given a lot to a partner in the past.

I met my partner 4 years ago - both two years out of very long relationships. We live 3.5 hours apart. A relationship seemed utterly impossible for me at the beginning as I have sole care of a son with additional needs who has low tolerance for even overnight guests and I would never try to move someone in.

Somehow we have progressed into a beautiful arrangement where we spend long weekends together every 2-3 weeks, sometimes a bit more. We so much look forward to our time together. No drudge of housework etc. Sex has been fantastic from day 1.

We do vaguely plan to live together when my son is 18 plus but he's only 13 now so who knows what will happen. I do like the idea of growing old in the same house. I am 50, he is 54. But these intervening years are lovely.

This is the kind of relationship I would love. All the good bits and none of the shit bits. Sort of friends with benefits but with long term security. I live in my house and do my own thing, he lives in his house and does he thing and we spend quality time together in between. No getting involved with his family and no need for him to get involved with mine. I've no kids though and won't be having any so I don't have anyone else other than myself to consider. As for splitting finances and joint mortgages? Fucking zero chance. What's mine is staying mine and fuck sacrificing it for a bloke.

Widowed a few years ago. Could not imagine sharing very much with another man. Not house or my body. But made friends with a single woman, both in our 40s, 2 teen dc each, we like music and theatre. Both of us second development of our careers. Have become closer and sleep together nearly every week.

It works for us as it does for other pp.
I think that developing ones career is important. For some it will be harder as a 1st development I do realise that..

Your friends are wrong - it’s not mad, not even that ‘unconventional’. Be clear about what you want - there will be others who feel the same, just be upfront about it.

I don't think I'm set up for a conventional relationship and never will be.
My ex and I were together 14 years. Never lived together, never holidayed together but we were very much a couple in every sense of the word. In fact we got on better than most because we weren't in each other's spaces all the time and had to make an effort to 'date'.
I've been single for 4 years and I've had a long hard think about things, dated a few lovely men and truly I don't think I can do the whole conveyor belt relationship. That's not me.
I've just started seeing a man in the military. He's away Mon-Fri and back on the weekends. So far so good. He's very apologetic and all "i wish I could spend more time here" meanwhile in my head I'm thinking, I don't 😂😂

Exactly this!
I've found that maintaining a happy marriage takes a LOT of work. The work feels worth it right now because separating would disrupt all of our lives, including that of our very young children. But my god, it takes so much work and effort to live with someone day in day out.
If my marriage was to fail - and I hope it doesn't - then I wouldn't do it again. I'd be happy to live alone with my children.

It's unconventional because women have been conditioned for centuries to believe we 'need' a man to survive. And for a long time society made it virtually impossible to live alone as a woman. But look at the choices women are making, mostly women post-divorce. So many of them are choosing to stay single or be in relationships without cohabitation.

I don't do conventional. It's decided between two adults. I don't know what it looks like until it is discussed. But it doesn't involve living together.

Not met anyone post divorce or wanted to yet. But I would never want to put my dc in a blended family situation. They are happy, secure and settled with me - why upset things.
I often read SP posts about how dc should accept new partners and new siblings with new partners. I just think no adult would want to be forced to leave their family / home several nights a week and be made to stay in the home of strangers - or to have a permanent house guest not of their choosing - so why do we expect children to be ok with it. Often they aren’t ok with it. Home should be where children can be 100% themselves and comfortable.
Martin Lewis was interviewed about this recently and said when his parent died and a new stepparent moved in even though they were a lovely person he just did not want them there and there was nothing they could have done to make him want them there.

I think it’s quite depressing that so many default to being blended families. Obviously, there’s a financial element, but if you can afford to live separately, I’d do it!

I think too many people are obsessed with being a traditional family unit- even after the divorce. You’ve only been divorced 6 years, but it’s sounds like you’ve had more than 2 relationships where the guy wanted to move in. And evidently, they didn’t go the distance !

can’t help thinking guys sometime just want to re marry so they’ve got someone to take care of them and pick up the slack

I’m early 30s and my friends all think I’m mad to not look for another marriage etc but that just doesn’t appeal to me.

You do you. You don't have to look for another marriage or another relationship. Just enjoy your life and see what happens.
Are your friends in the same situation? They might think completely differently when/if they also find themselves divorced.

Blending families is always a risk and I think a lot of people do it too soon or without enough thought about the personalities of the people (especially the children) involved. The children have to come first.

Yep. Split with DS(8)’s dad in 2019 and I think until last year I was holding onto the “dream” of finding someone to raise a blended family with. My ex passed away in 2020 so I have DS 100% of the time. I’ve had a couple of relationships but have now been single for over a year and am much happier! I’ve pretty much decided I’m not moving anyone in while DS is still at home and I’ve given up on apps . As he gets older I might meet someone organically but I’ve no intention of sharing finances/houses. I’m 41.

Your plan sounds much better for your DC than ‘blending’ families and/or introducing a stepfather and having more DC. As it’s also your preference at this time, that’s ideal.

My Mums second marriage was fairly unconventional. They never combined finances, never lived together. She had her house, he had his. They'd spend a couple of nights at hers, a couple of nights at his, and a couple of nights apart each week. Each got to have their own house, own space, decorated how they'd like it.

They were together 15 years all in all, married for 8 of them. He effectively moved in for the last 3 months of her life to care for her, but that was the only time. She told me before she died that the last decade of her life was the happiest she'd ever been, despite the terminal cancer, and that he was the reason.

She was only in her late 50s when she died, I don't know if they'd ever have moved in together had she lived longer. I think they'd have been perfectly happy as they were until one of them started to need more support in later life.

I was mostly happily married for 20 years and had young DC.
Then widowed, chose to be on my own with DC for 12 years and never for one minute regretted it. Did date occasionally in that time but kept things separate.
Since met lovely man in my 50s, we both have own homes, finances etc, live in adjoining villages meet up often, committed to one another but no desire to move in. Not looking for big changes. We have both been on our own many years and perfectly happy with our own space and routines. I wouldn't want to live with another man full time ever again, l would feel suffocated.