My ds aged 20

[AnotherGreyMorning]

Has done nothing for three years. He failed his AS levels and hasn't done any study or employment since.

Sleeps all day. Wakes up between 4 and 6pm. Eats a huge amount of food - 9 eggs, three chicken breasts a day, goes to the gym. Scrolls through his phone endlessly. Occasionally socialises.

He's so messy and dirty. Not personal hygiene but his environment. My environment!

I have had every single conversation with him about it. Every encouragement. Sorted out psychological help for him. He went a few times and then stopped. Said he didn't need it anymore. His behaviour continued the same way.

I then started to refuse to give him lifts to the gym. He smashed my kitchen window in response. The inner layer of double glazing. Refuses to get it fixed.

I've stopped buying him his excessive amounts of food. I just cook meals for the rest of the family and he's welcome to those meals. It's not enough. He just helps himself to whatever is in the fridge for extra. So I'm stuck for meal planning as he's eaten everything. I'm a single parent and am struggling as it is.

I challenge him on his helping himself to food when he contributes absolutely nothing to the household and only makes foul mess in the kitchen. His bedroom is also rank. He regularly sleeps on the sofa.

When I do challenge him he tells me to fuck off. I'm afraid of him. He's massive. His dad was also abusive to me. I think ds thinks he can do what he likes given his dad did.

He wants to join the navy. I'm glad he finally has focus and direction. I should call the police on him but if I do, that could scupper his chances of joining the navy. Although how he thinks he's going to go from doing almost zero to the rigours and routine discipline of the navy, I don't know.

I will not let him live here again.
I never want to see him again. I do not like him. Is it so terrible to just not have anything to do with him ever again?

I have three others dcs. All of whom work hard at school. Participate in sports. Are social.

No, you’re not terrible to think as you do, and yes you need him to go, for the sake of you and your younger kids. Sorry I don’t know what to suggest but try this, see if they can help?
www.pegsupport.co.uk/#Home-supportforparents

Has he applied for the Navy yet? It’s quite a long process

Has he actually applied tor the navy?

That sounds both worrying and frightening. Do you think he's taking steroids? Is he signing on?

Yes he's applied. It is a long process. He's passed interview. Needs to send in medicals. And then wait to be invited for the four day physical.

No to steroids. He's a purist when it comes to his body. 😂

And no, he's not signing in. Too much effort. He inherited 10k.

If he’s passed the interviews and he’s a gym bod he should be fine. Keeping fingers crossed for you and hopefully the independence from the navy will kick him into shape a bit.

you should start to set boundaries and expectations now, he can stay with you until he joins and work out what you want to happen if he is unsuccessful.

I have set boundaries. He ignores them. The whole point of my post.

Phone that helpline above OP. What would happen if you asked him to move out now?

I hope he gets in and it gives you some peace. Then hopefully he’ll find the navy irons him out and he comes back to you a better person

It’s not terrible to want him out of your life. You are frightened of him and he needs to be away from you and your other dc. Mother/son abuse is not talked about so much but can be just as dangerous as intimate partner violence. Talk to someone professional and get some support with it. I hope it all works out for you.

He sounds very difficult to live with.
He’s an adult so now you need to focus on looking after your other children. He needs to live his own life, whatever way he chooses, but not under your roof.
I would tell him he has a short time to find somewhere else to live and phone the above helpline.

I know you don’t want to ruin his chances of joining the navy but if he is abusive towards you, your house or your other children then you need him realise that his actions have consequences. You’ve tried boundaries and reasoning with him and he clearly doesn’t respect it but his behaviour is abusive therefore you’re more than entitled to phone the police when he is smashing windows. If this ruins his chance with the navy then thag is his own fault, not yours. He’s a grown man, he should be able to control his behaviour by now!

I think you have misunderstood what a boundary is.

Boundaries don't need a willing participant. If that were true, then boundaries would be pointless. A boundary is where you draw the line. It's not about asking him to please do xyz. It's about you expecting xyz from him and also stating that these will be the consequences you will be enforcing when he doesn't behave as asked.

A boundary is not
"Clean your room"

A boundary is
"I expect your room to be fully cleaned by 6pm this evening. If it's not, I will be putting a lock on the door and taking away your privilege to live there. If you react agressively to this fact, I will be calling the police and having you removed from this home and you'll no longer be welcome here"

Setting a boundary takes away your dependence on others. They can react however they want, but then they have to deal with the consequences. It puts the impact of their negative behaviour back on them, not on you.

@Girlmom35 done all that.

I have told him if he doesn't do what I tell him with regards living here as an adult, then this will happen.

It's happened. I refused to give him lifts. I don't pay for his phone. Or his gym or his extra food.

What happened? He smashed a window. Asked me what I was going to do about it?

I'm not sure many people actually experience another adult simply refusing to do what is required of them.

I have. He says no. And asks how I can make him.

Why didn’t you ring the police?

I have a friend whose son joined the Navy. He wasn't quite as entitled or aggressive as your son, but he had no respect for his mother, no boundaries. The first time he came home on leave, he brought her flowers, helped with the garden. Part of what he had been taught was respect for family and pride in his environment.

I'd support his decision. Don't do anything that could ruin his chances of turning his life around. And getting out from under your feet. But maybe do say that if he ever threatens you or attacks your home again, you will go to the police and that could ruin his chances. Explain the responsibility is now entirely on him to control his rage and start developing the kind of respect for his environment and the people he lives with, that they want on a ship.

@Pricelessadvice because then he can't join the navy and just get out of my life. I take comfort in the fact he's actually in the process of applying.

I don't want to see him for a long time.

@RedBeech I do support his decision. I am encouraging him every step of the way.

But meanwhile he's really difficult to live with. And I am afraid of him. I don't want him to visit or anything when he finally leaves.

I have watched my sister go through this with her ds. It's scary. You are completely powerless really.

If a full grown man just says no then what are you going to do? Especially if they're bigger and stronger than you.

I understand you not contacting the police. I hope he gets accepted by the navy and leaves home.

Horrible situation op.

All I can suggest is to muddle through the best you can, until he's accepted into the Navy (hopefully) and once he's left, you have the locks changed. He then has no access to your home. Are your other children afraid of him? If he doesn't get accepted into the Navy, yes you will need to call the police on him, and get him removed from your home, whilst making it very plain, he's no longer welcome.

He sounds like my autistic ds. Yours might even have ADHD or similar. It's too late now to get him diagnosed, I suspect because he has become so defiant. I pray that he will make it into the navy, for both of your sakes. Do you have any male friends or family that can talk to him and provide mentorship?

Why is it too late to get him diagnosed? Aren't people diagnosed at stages of life?

@AnotherGreyMorning please do stick to your guns and don’t let him back in if he does finally leave for the Navy. My brother was like this but my parents tolerated it. He was violent to me and frightened life out my younger sister. Even the police told my parents they shouldn’t let him back in. The council sorted a flat for him (was diagnosed with schizophrenia) but he was so lazy he didn’t want to do the cleaning etc and so pretended to be nice and let him back in out of some misplaced guilt or some such and there he stayed. Had an engineering degree and was bright but I honestly believe because there was no incentive to make something of himself as my parents basically just gave him free reign of house and fridge, he just survived on his benefits, even though it angered my parents, they were too scared to upset him and today he is mid 50s still at home. My dad has passed and he’s just draining moms money and I guess all us kids inheritance. It’s sad as my mom still fiercely defends his awful behaviour and she’s mid 70s now. It’s almost like he’s conditioned her to his ways and normalised them.

So I do understand and can empathise and do urge you to adhere to the boundaries that today you say you will enact. Good luck.