My ds aged 20

[AnotherGreyMorning]

Has done nothing for three years. He failed his AS levels and hasn't done any study or employment since.

Sleeps all day. Wakes up between 4 and 6pm. Eats a huge amount of food - 9 eggs, three chicken breasts a day, goes to the gym. Scrolls through his phone endlessly. Occasionally socialises.

He's so messy and dirty. Not personal hygiene but his environment. My environment!

I have had every single conversation with him about it. Every encouragement. Sorted out psychological help for him. He went a few times and then stopped. Said he didn't need it anymore. His behaviour continued the same way.

I then started to refuse to give him lifts to the gym. He smashed my kitchen window in response. The inner layer of double glazing. Refuses to get it fixed.

I've stopped buying him his excessive amounts of food. I just cook meals for the rest of the family and he's welcome to those meals. It's not enough. He just helps himself to whatever is in the fridge for extra. So I'm stuck for meal planning as he's eaten everything. I'm a single parent and am struggling as it is.

I challenge him on his helping himself to food when he contributes absolutely nothing to the household and only makes foul mess in the kitchen. His bedroom is also rank. He regularly sleeps on the sofa.

When I do challenge him he tells me to fuck off. I'm afraid of him. He's massive. His dad was also abusive to me. I think ds thinks he can do what he likes given his dad did.

He wants to join the navy. I'm glad he finally has focus and direction. I should call the police on him but if I do, that could scupper his chances of joining the navy. Although how he thinks he's going to go from doing almost zero to the rigours and routine discipline of the navy, I don't know.

I will not let him live here again.
I never want to see him again. I do not like him. Is it so terrible to just not have anything to do with him ever again?

I have three others dcs. All of whom work hard at school. Participate in sports. Are social.

you say that he refuses to leave but have you told him if he doesn't you will phone the police and then he wont get into the Navy ? Perhaps the threat of this will get him to go but then you would have to mean it . If you do decide to call the police please make yourself as safe as possible first . Im sure women's aid etc will have good advice . you could also pack his bags when he's at the gym and change the locks . Maybe this would shock him into behaving decently until he leaves for the Navy .

What you do about it is call the police.

I believe you can sign up with a criminal record depending on what it is.

OK you didn't call the police last time but, believe it or not, you have power here. He wants to join the Navy, you can stop him doing that.

He might not be bothered but who do you think the Navy are going to talk to as part of his background check?

I would either put a lock on the kitchen door or on the cupboards.

He would smash open the cupboards.

I want him to join the navy. I don't want to scupper that. After 3 years of doing nothing, it's a way out. For both of us.

Do NOT escalate anything with the police.

He needs to get into the navy fast, and you do not want to jeopardise that.

Yes unfortunately it’s a waiting game. Keep it calm and it will soon be over.

@LittlleMy what an absolutely horrendous situation for your parents and for you growing up.

It is just impossible to deal with.

We assume that our dcs will adhere to the social contract instead of facing the consequences. When they refuse to do so and don't care about the consequences, then there is fear usually involved.

I have decided I don't care if I lose a relationship with my ds. He's shown such dreadful character traits. Bullying. Laziness. Dirtiness. Disrespect for us all. So once he's out, and I really hope the navy makes a decent man of him, then he's not coming back.

If you feel yourself to be in any kind of physical danger you should definitely phone the police though.

Oh I realise that, but does he?

I feel for you. Google "blocked care". It is when you are so overwhelmed by caring for another person who causes trauma to you, your emotions shut down and you are utterly unable to feel anything positive about them. My son is adopted and as a younger child (now teen) was very violent to me for years. Aged 11-12 I felt this utter despair and inability to feel anything but negativity toward him. Luckily his behaviour slowly changed and it passed. My love came back for him.

My partner now 54 was a very troubled and aggressive teen. Locked up in cells many times for fighting. His mother despaired. He joined the army aged 17 and it quickly transformed him. He has had a very successful life.

In your position I would also hold off on calling police unless you are in immediate physical danger, to see if he gets into the navy. If he doesn't, you will have to call the police next time he is aggressive then change the locks. You can't continue like this.

@sashh does he want to join the navy? Yep. It's the first thing he's actually done any kind of work for in three years. Passed the interview. Now waiting for an invitation to do some four day training / test. I don't know what it is.

My ds is not someone you can make do stuff. Is that what you're thinking? I have made so many suggestions to him. None of which he's taken up. He came up the the navy.

You call the police when he is threatening and violent and damages your property even if that might scupper his chances to join the Navy. He doesn't sound like a suitable person anyway, given his awful and undisciplined behaviour.

You can change the locks when he is at the gym and don't let him back in the house. He has just taken over from his abusive dad.

OP no specific advice regarding your DS but you seem very aware of the power dynamic so let that be your inner strength.

I wanted to contribute by saying my DNiece joined up and though not a troubled youngster is absolutely LOVING it. They have serially under recruited and struggle for suitable candidates. It did take a while for a slot at the residential to come up but that's because she was working and couldn't take time off and risk.losing her job if it didn't work out.

No not suggestions or asking, tell him you can and will call the police if he is violent or damages your property.

Then tell him the impact it may have on his career if he doesn't start to behave like a normal human being.

If he has money from his inheritance then he can rent a room somewhere out of your house. He wouldn't be homeless. He can sofa surf, stay in a hotel and sort himself out. He is an adult by a couple of years.

I would contact the police now on the non-emergency number to ask for advice stating all that he has done and his application to the navy and why you don't want to call them when he has smashed a window etc. Ask if you refused to have him back home could they attend at a prearranged time to help him move his stuff out?

I would also point out that if any of your younger children report the smashing of the window, the bullying, the tense atmosphere at home they are the ones deemed at risk and school would contact social services. You need to take charge of this before this gets out of your hands. It must be awful for all of you living in this constant fear of what will kick him off next.

Ring the police, get their advice.

You are not responsible for his chances to get in the navy. You need to call the police and have him removed.

What makes anyone think the Royal Navy (or any of the Armed Forces) wants mis-fits? The discipline in the RN is tough so if he doesn’t comply with discipline and structure he will be kicked out. He’ll soon be weeded out.

Thinking positively, let’s hope he takes to it and makes something of himself. Meanwhile when he’s gone, change the locks and brace yourself for tantrums when he can’t get back in when he’s on leave.

I know someone who had a son who joined the RN. He was still a nasty bug*er when he came home on leave. She had to kick him out for her own safety.

Is he very keen on the navy? Does it really matter to him? Because if it does you have leverage.

I’d be telling him that he can stay here until he joins as long as he behaves. If he does any more damage or threatens you, you will call the police and have him removed from the house. He is 20 and you are under no legal obligation to house him.

But I would have called the police the first time he threatened me. You have younger children to protect - and this is your home which you deserve to feel safe in.

This sounds absolutely dire OP

any development at all

Oh please @Someiremember

Fake concern after your bitchy comments on the the sex disappointment thread.

That sounds really awful, OP. Thank god he passed the interview. It sounds as though he'd pass the physical if he goes to the gym regularly. I wonder whether you could find out how long the process takes?

Honestly, in your situation I'd be prepared to move house the minute he goes into the navy. I wonder how long he could last in there and he will think he's got a safe landing back at yours.

I see yes

well you say “fake concern” but you have young children in the house of a violent and abusive and destructive adult, and that’s been the case for 3 years

so yes, concerned for the other children in this horrible environment

although…. Is he heading off to the seas?