Daughter and Boyfriend looking for a third person.

[notsochattysue]

Daughter just told me her and boyfriend have made a dating profile looking for a girl to “join” them
physically.
she told me because she’s upset as she found another dating app on his phone by accident. (It had a profile with just his name and picture on it - he said it was for both of them but she knew nothing about this profile so unlikely)

they are 23.

Now I’m struggling with both these pieces of information.

I want to lock her up and tell her to dump him! She won’t though. She’s going to “talk” to him about it.

i will be supportive obviously. But FFS. This isn’t what I wanted for her.

Does she want a threesome or is her bf trying to indulge his fantasies at her expense? It sounds like he's cheating or planning to cheat and using her for his own live show.

i can’t imagine knowing such things about my DC. I know you want what is best best for her but there are some things we don’t need to know about

I can’t help but think she will do it to keep him happy. Can’t you tell her once it’s done it can’t be undone and things get out And people talk and some people judge…
Mud sticks n all that!

I think you need to work out how much of this is what she wants. Ultimately its not your place to yuck her yum so to speak but it's fair to be concerned about her motivations and to want to make sure she's not being coerced into something.

I would be asking gently about whether this is a one off fantasy thing or a polygamous relationship and will be ongoing and if her and the bf have sat down and discussed clear boundaries within that. I would ultimately be trying to get her to focus on her gut instinct - is he totally trustworthy or does she need to rethink things.

I think it's great she's felt able to be this open with you. Is she vulnerable in any way?

ok I agree @ohyesidoim not happy about having this information at all. She was v v v upset and I made her tell me so now I can’t judge her.
I think in fairness to him she may be on board with it as she has talked about being Binsexual before but being the emotionally and sexually repressed ex catholic I am I shut it down!

I’ve gone through every argument I can think of to get her to see he’s not worth her time. He has so many red flags i can’t begin! He lives away from here in a different country and
comes home to see his family every few
months.
so he has major opportunities to mess around.

he’s making a
mug out of her and she can’t see it! It’s so frustrating.

Unfortunately she must learn this lesson for herself.

Oh how grim!! I think I'd find it hard not to tell her exactly what I thought of him and exactly why.

@Lavender14Thank you. She struggles with her mental health a little. I did ask how she was going to cope with him beimg
somfar away knowing he is on this app. She said she is more worried what will happen to her mental
health if she dumps him.

She is so intelligemt
funny and
attrActive, she can do better than this.

I think the fact she told you, and was distressed, shows that she really isn't keen and wants out.

@EllieEllie25i have told her. I’ve told her on more than one occasion. He’s not good enough for her. He’s just not. I’ve had a feeling he wasn’t right from
the start.

@Redshoeblueshoei hadn’t thought like that. I assumed she was upset because she felt betrayed. I told her we would be here for her if she dumped him but she’s away to talk to him now. She won’t dump
him.

I was quite open minded in my 20s and on the wild side but what goes on now blows my mind. The things being normalised. I guess this is how many gran felt😱

A married couple I know - he was looking for a threesome. His wife divorce him and married the other woman. He was not impressed!! I was though.

”Yuck her yum”? 🤢🤢🤢 fucking hell, off away to scratch my eyeballs out.

Wth does that even mean I have never heard such a rancid term🤮 stop this world I want to get off.

Nothing wrong with a threesome if everyone involved is enthusiastically onboard. Everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that OPs daughter told her she was bisexual previously and she “shut it down”.

In this scenario though he was clearly on the apps to cheat. & DD being bisexual doesn’t mean she wants a threesome.

Maybe she should get on the apps, meet a nice girl, meet up with her for a date first…just to screen her for the threesome of course, but accidentally fall in love with her and fuck off the shitty boyfriend?

Vile. I hope they have never ever said that out loud.

Hmm. Hoping I was a bit more supportive and not as judgemental. I suppose the world changes. While this wasn’t a thing when I was in my early 20’s it is fairly
common place now.
I was married and pregnant
when I was her age and I’d not want that for her either.

I watched a bit of Open House, The Great Sex Experiment and can’t get over how these kind of open threesome (or more) relationships are pushed into the mainstream now. One of the partners was often quite upset by the experience, but they had a therapist on there that would encourage them to kind of press ahead with it rather than saying just stop, this is obviously not for you! It was as though not doing it was seen as a negative and something you should try to get over.

This was my first reaction too.

I doubt it is your DDs wish. I don't know your DD but is she someone who would feel a failure not being in a relationship and will therefore accept certain things because of that?

Nothing wrong with a three person relationship if everyone is pleased about it. But it doesnt sound like that is the case here.

I would encourage her to ask him if the third person could be a man. His response might indicate his real motives.

You can talk to her about the situation but ultimately the decision is hers. All I can suggest is to make sure she knows you are there for her, listen if she does want to talk and support her as much as you can. Yes, you know he's an arse, but at the moment she can't see it. As hard as it is, you have to let her make mistakes and realise he's an arse in her own time. Sadly, it may take some time, and I know it's incredibly frustrating.

It is very difficult to be a parent of an adult person. That is all I will say.
Mother of three adult children. 😔

I much preferred it when the biggest problem was ferrying her to music lessons and complaining about the state of her room.