Daughter and Boyfriend looking for a third person.

[notsochattysue]

Daughter just told me her and boyfriend have made a dating profile looking for a girl to “join” them
physically.
she told me because she’s upset as she found another dating app on his phone by accident. (It had a profile with just his name and picture on it - he said it was for both of them but she knew nothing about this profile so unlikely)

they are 23.

Now I’m struggling with both these pieces of information.

I want to lock her up and tell her to dump him! She won’t though. She’s going to “talk” to him about it.

i will be supportive obviously. But FFS. This isn’t what I wanted for her.

Absolutely OP. I clearly remember my mother telling me that she was happiest when she could hold my hand and I did not get it, but now I do. My oldest child is going through a very difficult break up right now (he is 27yo) and I am dying here, honestly.

He lives in a different country and was on another dating app that she didn't know about.... and he's spun it as being for both of them which she's ok with?

Just be there for her when it all goes pear shaped which there's a good chance it will.

My DD is only 12 but I am dreading the heartbreaks and everything else. Heartbreak is the worst I hate to see anyone go through it but your child😪

Oh that’s tough too. I have 2 younger boys and I’ll kill any girl who breaks their heart. They are little gentlemen. Love to you and your son.

This threesome will end in tears. You can tell her that but that’s all you can do. Her boyfriend is a little twat.

Just make sure she knows about safe sex with women, dental dams and all that stuff. If she is going to do this to herself she needs to at least be medically safe.

In your situation OP I would try to find out if my daughter wanted it or it was solely her boyfriends idea. She may not tell you the truth, but you can take that opportunity to convey to her that she should not feel obligated to engage in something she is not comfortable with, just because her boyfriend wants it. This may not change anything but, that is all you can do.

I remember thinking, when I was a young girl, I would be kind of a mother her children would feel comfortable confiding in, and they do, for the most part. More often then not, however, I honestly wish they do not. Thank you for your kind wishes and all the best to you.

I’m sorry OP it’s awful. I’m in my 20’s & thankfully met my husband young and he’s never put a foot wrong but I have watched my younger sister been put through hell by some little boys who frankly didn’t even deserve to know her name nevermind spend time with her. You have to be there for her without TELLING her what to do, and trust that you raised her well and that she will realise on her own and step back.

That’s the trouble with the world today. No wonder there is an epidemic of mental health issues. Human beings are supposed to have moved past the ape stage and be utilising their brains now. Unfortunately we seem to be going backwards.

If I was her mum I would love the fact he is only here every few months. I would be using that time to build her confidence as much as possible and try and get her to do new things and meet new people. Give her a chance to see the world outside of him. I would be saying to her, if he can have his fun so can you. Encourage her to explore her sexuality alone before doing it for a man if she has never experienced it. Tell her how can she know what she likes if she only does it for a man. Be supportive of her sexuality and stop talking about dumping her man. That will only drive her closer to him and make her feel like she can’t tell you how she feels. We can all see he is a loser but at 23 and in love you can’t see these things. Just meet new people and open up to the world of bisexuals people. Also I’m not suggesting she cheats. Just meets new friends who have the same lifestyle and can be supportive.

Let’s face it the likelihood of her being part of a 3 person relationship when it’s barely a 2 person relationship is quite low. Cracks are appearing. I’d say cross your fingers and hope the contact dwindles. Encourage her to pursue IRL people/interests and hopefully she’ll be too occupied to bother with this internet/text boyfriend creep.

Omg what - it's a saying about food - if someone is eating something you wouldn't eat you don't vocally say oh that looks gross because you could put them off eating and ruin their meal for them... clearly your minds are in the gutter!!! I'm using it in this sense as in just because you wouldn't choose something you don't vocally judge someone else for it. So if this is something she's genuinely chosen (which it doesn't sound like it is from ops updates) then it's not for op to judge her.

Actually, the reaction to the vile 'yuk someone's yum' is understandable as it's been used, rather notoriously, by queer theory addled sex therapists to shame trainees who think sexual paraphilias are a problem.

Of course open and poly relationships only really benefit the men involved in them as the burden of pregnancy ultimately is a woman's concern. They are not a stable long term option in an open society. I'm also troubled by the attachment issues both created by this lifestyle and no doubt compounded by it. However, she's an adult and you cant do anything but offer frank advice and love and suppprt when it goes tits up (which is not a well known saying about food either.)

Ok, course you are. Gross

This whole my child is my best friend/ we have an honest relationship thing has gone mad 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Tell her this is the outcome of not requiring fidelity. It's a runaway train. Very few people are emotionally/sexually robust enough to remain within the boundaries of the arrangement.

@Dweetfidilovei wouldn’t say we are best friends in fairness now! But thanks for the judgement.

im trying to foster an openly communicative relationship with my adult children so they don’t feel alone and judged by an increasingly hostile world.

🤣

A clear example of FAFO in action! 😂

My daughter had a really awful relationship at that age and I wish now I had done something different. I let it run its course but actually what she needed was a change of scene, to get away from him. I have a friend in Australia and I really wish I had asked her to invite my daughter over for a few months. I knew that the boyfriend would be with somebody else within a week and I knew that she would see sense if she was away from him. I think it's called Limerence isn't it?

@healthybychristmasim hoping now when he goes away again and she sees what it’s like with no trust she will come to her senses. It’s so hard to watch because otherwise she is a very intelligent girl with a professional career ahead of her.

He wants a girl in every port. Tale as old as time.

I partially agree with @randomusernam . Make the times he’s away really awesome for her- travel, friends, outings, new hobbies… make it so she has loads of other things in her life, and he is less important.