AIBU - Do I expect too much?

[unsure62]

My partner and I have been together over 15 years and we have a 4 year old DD. We have been engaged for nearly a decade and he has not indicated he wants to plan a wedding at all. He has made it very clear that he does not want a wedding. He would happily visit a courthouse and sign the papers ,but doesn't want to 'pay for anyone else to celebrate with us.'

I don't have a big family; I only have a handful of close friends. He has an issue with each of my friends (or their husbands) so he wouldn't want them there. He does not socialise with me/with other couples and makes no effort to improve those relationships. I have suggested a courthouse wedding (with a couple of extras, flowers, dress, photographer etc) followed by a meal with our closest friends and family and he doesn't even want that.

He doesn't plan dates, he doesn't buy flowers (because they die) he doesn't buy valentines day cards or presents and only purchases me 'food related' gifts (when he is fully aware I am on a diet.) I even made a point this year about how I wanted to buy my daughter flowers for the 14th Feb so she learns that she can expect her love to go that extra mile just to teat her - he didn't buy her flowers (I did!)

He is a wonderful father and regularly looks after our daughter alone, overnight and when I am away. His poor behavior is when it comes to me. As soon as our daughter is asleep, he chooses to watch tv or play video games alone. He says he needs time to decompress after a long day. My fear is that I am so used to this behavior, I am almost gaslighting myself that I want alone time too.

life isn't bad, I'm just sure it could be better. I saw a post earlier that said; you love this man in his entirety and he does nothing out the ordinary for you. imagine how much you would love a man that did everything he does and more. Solo and couples therapy gets consistently declined by him - he treats his female family (mother and sister) like royalty, he bends over backwards to be available and present for them.

if my daughter was in the same situation as me, I wouldn't stand for it but at the same time my biggest fear is that I am constantly looking for the next thing; the new house, a new car, a new way to decorate our home - his words, he says I don't settle and always wanting the next thing (ill add, I work and I pay for the things I want - I'm not expecting him to buy 'the next thing' for me) am I just bored and I'm looking at a way to cause an issue for attention. Am I just searching for the next thing and actually what I have at home is perfectly good?

I'm not fearful of being alone; I'm fearful of being without him. He has been a constant in my life for so long. Hilariously, as I write this, I realise I spend 80% of my time without him anyway!!!!

Yet again, I am this situation with him - the on going cycle of feelings like I'm done.

Have you seen Jennifer Aniston's speech in the 'break up' film with Vince Vaughan. if you haven't please youtube/google/tiktok it - I couldn't describe how I feel in a better way

Tell me I'm crazy or tell me I'm right just please give me some guidance.

Kindly, what advice do you want?
Is he going to change? Highly unlikely.
Are you?
The bottom line is, is this what you want? Is this your life? Only you can say.

Why do you even want to marry him? He can’t be arsed to spend time with you or do anything nice for you? Sounds like you’re wasting your life. Always wanting the next thing could be because you’re unhappy in your relationship?

Why do you want to drag a man kicking and screaming down the aisle? He doesn't sound particularly engaged in your relationship and the best time to marry was before having a child.

He makes no effort whatsoever in your relationship and occasionally parenting his child doesn't make him father of the year. You're living in a fantasy land. In reality he doesn't care about you and he's not going to change.

He is abusive towards you so the relationship or should be over. Women in such poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think
of nothing else positive to write about their man. Such types of men never go to therapy because they know they are wrong.

Calling him a wonderful father is you in denial. He is not a wonderful father if he treats you as her mother either such overall contempt and disdain. You’re wasting your life on him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Would you want your daughter as an adult to be in such a relationship?. No you would not.

Ars you in the USA?. I ask only as you reference the word courthouse.

No you don’t expect too much.
No he’s not a good father. Ask yourself if you would want your daughter’s partner to be like this. If not then he’s modelling poor behaviour and this is not what good fathers do.
You need to seriously think whether you want to live this half life for ever or whether you want to do improve it for both yourself and your daughter’s sake.

He's a wonderful father because he looks after his own child? He treats her mother like crap. You can do better.

You feel like you are done with him
because you are infact done with him. End the relationship, claim maintenance for your child and send him back to his mother’s.

You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. He’s certainly no decent example of a father let alone a male role model.

You're not good partners for each other, full stop. If you're persistently unhappy in the relationship and he's resisting and shutting down all of your attempts to tell him what you need, offer a compromise, or make things better then the best solution seems to be an amicable breakup where you can equitably split up the parenting and keep a civil co-parenting relationship for your daughter's sake. As you've said, it's not great for her to see you (or both parents - not sure how unhappy he is or how visible any unhappiness on his part may be) in an unhappy relationship and settling for that.

If this man had honestly wanted to marry you, he'd have done so by now. He's making a lot of excuses, and constantly changing the goal posts, because he has no intention of ever marrying you. Why on earth would you want to marry a man, who doesn't want to spend any time with you and can't be bothered to do anything nice for you at all??!!!! You are looking for new things, because fundamentally you are unhappy in your relationship. You have a choice: stay in the relationship knowing this will be your life or end the relationship. Don't waste your life away on a man who isn't interested in you or your relationship. You've wasted 15 years now.

Him having an issue with each of your friends means he is controlling, this is what abusers to do cut you off from your support network, does he moan when you go out with your friends without him

you say you want your dd to learn how she should be treated by a man. The harsh truth is what you are actually doing is the exact opposite. You are role modelling to her that her husband shouldn’t even like her, let alone want to spend any time with her.

You say you wouldn’t stand for it if it was your daughter being treated this way, but you wouldn’t get a say as it would be her life and her decision.

The biggest influence that you have over her future relationships is modelling how she should be prepared to be treated, and for her dad showing her how he treats his partner. That’s happening NOW.

If it isn’t good enough for her in the future, it shouldn’t be good enough for you now.
He should want to actively be with you and show you he loves you.

He just sounds a bit ASD to me. He isn't the romantic type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it sounds like he is a good dad. He isn't big on socialsing and wants passive activities to decompress in the evening, which is typical of neurodivergence. Whilst you are socialising without him, he isn't controlling and trying to stop you going out. He probably knows his short-comings in this area and is happy to let you get on with it. If you want a sociable, romantic man, then stop pushing this guy to marry you and start planning your escape. If you are good together in other ways, then just go for a very small private wedding with 2 witnesses. It's far less stressful and you can still spoil yourselves with a honeymoon.

He’s treating you quite poorly. I can’t see one good point about you being with him.

You know what you have to do here darling OP

Nothing suggests ASD re this man at all

He’s a crap example of a man to the OP and now her daughter. He just wants her to do everything whilst he sits around moaning, being super nice to his mother and sister and or otherwise playing video games. She’s been engaged to him for nearly10 years so he really does have no intention of marrying her.

She was targeted by this man also because her own boundaries are shit and she’s thought till now this is all she deserves from a relationship.

He will never change. And your daughter is learning that it is acceptable for a woman to be treated poorly by her partner. Find someone who values you and shows it.

15 years? Do you really expect him to change? You chose this person, remember, so take some responsibility. Have you changed? Do you do anything for him? Was he like this in the first year?

I fully agree with him on the marriage. Looks like you want an event. If you really wanted to marry, you'd do a register office.

Why would you want to marry a man like this?

You need to voice this to him. No change comes without communication and requests.

My husband did not want a wedding but had no objection to being married. So he had the wedding and I had the party. Limited people at the wedding. I snuck my friend in as she helped me get dressed etc. other wise it was immediate family - parents and my siblings
husband did not have best man as he has no friends. Our then 8 year old was his best man and daughter of my oldest friend who was 10 as flower girl.

party - all me. Music and food I wanted! All my family and friends.

he takes care of us - SAHD so dinner on the table when I get in from work. Which can be 8pm. If I need picking up from station if out socialising or work then he’s there waiting.

he’s not romantic but soon as he comes in after school run then he makes me tea and toast as I’m on work calls

he likes gaming and has online friends

i would like someone to hang out with as couples friends but not gonna happen. He won’t change.

your man doesn’t look like he will
change. Tricky thing is you are not married so you need to sort your finances out.

Your issue isnt that you expect too much.

Its that you dont DEMAND a hell of a lot more.

You are a household appliance and if you break, he will simply get another.

Actually I have no problems with what he is saying. My now hubby was the same and because I knew he had social problems I was more than happy to turn up at the registrar and just us and 2 family members. A month later we had all the family meet up for a meal and that was fine for us. And funnily enough also the same he will bath,dress,play with all 3 of our toddlers, take them out or look after them if I go out great practical dad. But he will never think to buy flowers chocolates book a weekend away and also weirdly says about decompressing when he goes on his game or films once kids are fast asleep. It works for me, he also works hard and still helps once home. When the toddlers go to my parents twice a month I make it special and he will go along with it happily enough just doesn't think the same as I do and he is diagnosed with ASD and dyslexia so I know it's all part of that. Anyway I adore him as he is which makes it real nice on the odd time he runs me a bath or even makes me a coffee I know he thinks of me

I see what he means about the next thing… I see why he would be annoyed. I also get the antisocial wedding. I also get the lack of gifts except food gifts. These are just be his thing… lots of men are like this…

but I don’t understand the no talking after putting daughter to bed.

Do you do anything as a couple?

None of that would be enough for me, he doesn't want to spend money on you, buys thoughtless gifts, doesn't want to spend time together, isolates you from friends, nothing to love about him