AIBU - Do I expect too much?

[unsure62]

My partner and I have been together over 15 years and we have a 4 year old DD. We have been engaged for nearly a decade and he has not indicated he wants to plan a wedding at all. He has made it very clear that he does not want a wedding. He would happily visit a courthouse and sign the papers ,but doesn't want to 'pay for anyone else to celebrate with us.'

I don't have a big family; I only have a handful of close friends. He has an issue with each of my friends (or their husbands) so he wouldn't want them there. He does not socialise with me/with other couples and makes no effort to improve those relationships. I have suggested a courthouse wedding (with a couple of extras, flowers, dress, photographer etc) followed by a meal with our closest friends and family and he doesn't even want that.

He doesn't plan dates, he doesn't buy flowers (because they die) he doesn't buy valentines day cards or presents and only purchases me 'food related' gifts (when he is fully aware I am on a diet.) I even made a point this year about how I wanted to buy my daughter flowers for the 14th Feb so she learns that she can expect her love to go that extra mile just to teat her - he didn't buy her flowers (I did!)

He is a wonderful father and regularly looks after our daughter alone, overnight and when I am away. His poor behavior is when it comes to me. As soon as our daughter is asleep, he chooses to watch tv or play video games alone. He says he needs time to decompress after a long day. My fear is that I am so used to this behavior, I am almost gaslighting myself that I want alone time too.

life isn't bad, I'm just sure it could be better. I saw a post earlier that said; you love this man in his entirety and he does nothing out the ordinary for you. imagine how much you would love a man that did everything he does and more. Solo and couples therapy gets consistently declined by him - he treats his female family (mother and sister) like royalty, he bends over backwards to be available and present for them.

if my daughter was in the same situation as me, I wouldn't stand for it but at the same time my biggest fear is that I am constantly looking for the next thing; the new house, a new car, a new way to decorate our home - his words, he says I don't settle and always wanting the next thing (ill add, I work and I pay for the things I want - I'm not expecting him to buy 'the next thing' for me) am I just bored and I'm looking at a way to cause an issue for attention. Am I just searching for the next thing and actually what I have at home is perfectly good?

I'm not fearful of being alone; I'm fearful of being without him. He has been a constant in my life for so long. Hilariously, as I write this, I realise I spend 80% of my time without him anyway!!!!

Yet again, I am this situation with him - the on going cycle of feelings like I'm done.

Have you seen Jennifer Aniston's speech in the 'break up' film with Vince Vaughan. if you haven't please youtube/google/tiktok it - I couldn't describe how I feel in a better way

Tell me I'm crazy or tell me I'm right just please give me some guidance.

He’s not a great father as look what he’s doing to you which your dc can see. Leave.

Jesus op! Of course none of this is remotely good enough. Cut your losses.

He is not a wonderful father. One of the things a wonderful father does is model a good relationship to his children-and that includes modelling what you should do if a relationship is not going well, or even if it is ending.

In regards to him being a good father - great another person he can treat better than you. Is he really a good father when the example he is setting your daughter for a life partner is so shockingly low? Also him being “a good parent” would surely continue even if you separated so your daughter would remain safe and well cared for even if you separated?

It sounds like he is unlikely to change and I feel really sad that you have wasted so much of your life with someone who sounds like he doesn’t like you very much? Or your family/friends? Blaming your personality for wanting to be treated nicely and with respect?

He shows he is capable of being nice to his mum and sister so is essentially choosing to treat you the way he does.

I hope you find the strength to make decisions which will make you happy as what you say you want from him are things someone will give you willingly and not unreasonable at all. You deserve so much more than him!

He won't buy flowers because they die...but food is forever?? By his argument he should be buying you jewellery or something more permanent then.
My DH buys me flowers occasionally because I like them, he is not particularly fussed by them. The gift is for me, to make me happy.
You deserve thoughtful gestures to make you happy too, of course you do.

Sounds like you're housemates, not a couple

He sounds delightful. What a catch,

Is he from a different cultural background? It sounds that it’s not that he can’t do things for you but he isn’t willing. It’s his choice not to value you and this relationship. Don’t be desperate. Therapy for self esteem and say goodbye to him. You deserve better.

OP, you posted a similar question in 2023. Here we are in 2025 and your situation has not improved and you are no happier.
I would kindly suggest that you ask yourself what do you really want and if this man enhances your life, or is just like a comfortable armchair.

if you daughter was older, and came to you with this problem, what advice would you give her? Whatever that advice is, no matter how difficult it will be initially, that is the action you need to take. Take it soon, or your youth and life will have slipped past you while you were waiting for someone else to make decisions about your life

Children once grown don't treat themselves how you treat them, they treat themselves how you treat yourself (or allow yourself to be treated).

He got you with the ring and the child and no longer has to be present in the relationship. 80% of your time alone already? It doesn't sound like a partnership or a couple. It sounds like roommates who have a child territory. Behaviour is a language. What does his behaviour tell you, and your daughter?

Scares to be without him? Lovely you're already without him!

You deserve so much better. 💜💟

You were unreasonable to expect him to buy your DD flowers for Valentine's Day. It's not common practice from father to daughter. You were also unreasonable to try to "teach" your daughter that a man giving her flowers equals love.

Hey Op it sounds like you live separate lives tbh. You should try and think do you want this forever when dd moves out what will your life be like. Forget about the friends. This is about you. You both should be able to socialise together what did your life look like before dd? Did you just sit in together or did he make an effort? I don’t suggest people leaving but you’re definitely not happy that’s why you look for things because you have something to do or look forward to. I usually say can you live without him and how would you feel if he met someone new? Could you handle that. Talk to him tell him how you feel he doesn’t sound like he likes you if I’m being honest you said he treats others better than you he respects his mum and sister but not very thoughtful when it comes to you. This is very hurtful because he is clearly capable of doing nice things just not for you.

You have been conditioned into accepting his shockingly poor treatment of you, and now you are wondering whether you expect too much? Too much? He doesn't even do the absolute basic bare minimum that your life partner should do.

Why on earth are you prepared to tolerate his total disdain and contempt of you? And why would you even want to contemplate marrying him? He dislikes all your friends and goes out of his way to be antisocial. He is seriously unkind to you, and no he is NOT a good dad. Good dads don't treat the mother of their dc like this.

I'm not fearful of being alone; I'm fearful of being without him. He has been a constant in my life for so long

@unsure62 this sentiment doesn’t make sense to me. If something has been a constant that’s negative though, why would you be fearful of being without it. Isn’t that the whole point of your post though that he isn’t the type of partner (I.e. constant) you want/need him to be?

He is treating you like poop. You need to tell him he is treating you like poop. I feel like he got engaged to keep you happy but with no intention to marry you, sorry.

You are used to him in your life. But honestly I think you fear being alone. What value does he actually add? Think how amazing it would be to share your life with someone who respects and loves you enough to marry you and manage a small party just to see your eyes shine?

Or someone who might not always remember birthdays and Valentine's but understands it's important to you and buys you flowers and a card or a gift?

There is a difference between someone not being perfect and someone who's not even caring. I saw some mention of ASD. People with ASD generally feel terrible for upsetting others. They might not understand things but they usually try.

Absolutely this! I am neuro divergent and can see many many similarities in my behaviour to your DH. Unfortunately you just need to decide whether or not you want to be in this life with him or not. He won’t change probably because he can’t change.