Moving on from marriage into the spare room

[ComeTheMoment]

I’ve moved out of the joint bedroom into the spare room. First step towards formal separation, and temporary until I can think through what my next steps will be. In the meantime, what else is it practicable to change? eg meals, washing up, washing, using other family rooms, when to tell wider family? We have a DC at the end of Year 6. So far I have told him I’ve moved into the guest room because daddy snores. For the record, I don’t feel very amicable towards husband, and it’s taken me years to come to this point. Moving out is still some way down the track I think. Husband has made it clear he won’t do so, and it is me who is the initiator.

Pointers from those who took this as a first step would be very welcome.

Gather as much financial information as possible and see a solicitor for initial advice. Most divorces are now 50/50 unless it's a short marriage. Have a think about what you would like your new life to look like. Good luck.

And I would keep it civil, and grey rock any attempts at arguing or trying to get a reaction from you.

Thanks. Yes, I will do this, but whilst I'm in the spare room I need to think about the practicalities of daily living. Any tips here?

Partly it’s about keeping things half way normal for your DS. It’s going to be confusing if suddenly eg one of you cooks tea for 2 and the other cooks and eats alone. Make sure he knows as soon as any other family. And partly about common sense - taking his socks out of the laundry before you wash it is just going to get petty and make more work all round. Think you need to have a discussion about who does what, which things you do together so it doesn’t create more arguments and make a stranger atmosphere even worse. Good luck to you - living together knowing you’re just counting the days until you physically separate is not a fun time.

Thanks @Bittenonce. Yes that's the sort of advice I need.

If you had no kids - you could simply stop doing things for him. But as you have a child - you need to keep up a calm household for him.
And that does mean - keeping whatever routine you had going. If you used to eat dinner as a family - this needs to continue, etc. It is not easy, but you need to do it so that your child comes through divorce without major trauma.

Kids can do and be Ok after divorce BUT only if they do not experience parental conflict, and don’t have to witness arguments in the process; and later don’t live with two separate parents who expose the kids to their hatred of the other parent.

So - do plan your divorce, etc. But while you are in the same house - no need to build a Great Wall through the living room, and introduce shifts in the kitchen. Your child will suffer.

I lived through 2 years of contentious divorce with my exH. Kids did not know for about 1.5 years. We kept all divorce discussions outside of the house. Was not easy, but was worth it.

My friend’s divorce took a little less, but was done in front of her child - ugly arguments, etc. She even had to call police once.

Few years after the divorce her child developed anxieties, etc - and it was traceable to the trauma he lived through.
So - please - plan and go gently.

I would certainly stop all "wife work". So no cooking, cleaning (his space), washing, ironing, life admin. It's not petty. It's not your job.

Are you in rented or are you home owners?

@AmandaHoldensLips we're homeowners. Which I believe means my rights are pretty strong.
But I've only just taken this first step, and the next step has to feel ok before I take it. Should I see a lawyer now or leave it until I'm more sure who will be moving out (it's likely to be me).

Thanks - this sounds like wise advice.

Should I see a lawyer now or leave it until I'm more sure who will be moving out (it's likely to be me)

You should see a lawyer now, precisely to get advice on who will be more likely to be moving out, amongst other things.

In the meantime, as a bare minimum your ex can have his own laundry bin and do his own washing and ironing. He can clean his own room and bathroom.

How is the housework and things like food shopping and cooking split currently? While you might get advice to stick to the domestic status quo, if the status quo is him taking the piss being a lazy bastard while you run around doing all the wife work, cooking and cleaning, I’d put a stop to that pronto.

Is any child benefit paid directly to you? Have you looked at what you may be entitled to as a single parent in terms of universal credit, etc?

I would start telling family and close friends. It’s possible your husband doesn’t yet believe you are serious about separating and thinks after his declaration that he won’t be the one moving out you’ll get over this after a week or two in the spare room.

Seeing a solicitor, confiding in family and friends and arranging some time out for yourself to get some emotional and practical support is going to be important for you.

Sounds like it’s very early days in terms of getting your head round this! Really you and he need to start with an open discussion about what assets (and debts) you each have - equity in the house, pensions, savings, cars, the works. Then you can try to see a viable way of splitting it down the middle….
For the house, there’s 3 options: you buy him out, he buys you out, or you sell it and split the proceeds.
The first 2 options will be cheaper, quicker, cleaner.
The third - will take longer. If one of you has moved out, then there’s less incentive for the other to sell. The costs of maintaining 2 homes will be high - and you need to try to disrupt DS life as little as possible. But you need to do the basic maths first to work out what options might be viable - and see if all of you can live together without killing each other / going mad while it’s all worked through. Sorry to be long winded - but I’d try to have those discussions first, then see a lawyer to check it is really equitable.

Scrub all that, I’ve just seen your post on another thread.

Your husbands aggressive temper is already affecting your child.

He’s only going to ramp it up further now that you’re making moves to separate.

See a solicitor asap to see how you can get the bastard out. And don’t be scared to call the police the next time he gets nasty and starts screaming and throwing things.

Yes that was me. Our house is old & quirky. Husband is extremely practical & has put a lot of himself into the house and I think he'd stay in it until his dying day if he could. Even if we were happy I'd only want to live here a few more years anyway.

As for DS, yes husband has lost it with him many a time in an abusive manner. But with all the demands on support for DA/DV I still think we'd come pretty low down the chain, and I have tried school, parenting course, and family therapy (where I was told I should help my husband with his breathing to control his anger) . He has always said he wanted to change yet nothing has changed. And yet I suspect DS adores him enough to choose remaining with him rather than coming with me.

So I'm hanging on here for as long as I can.

Be careful if you move out. I did, as I was the instigator and felt guilty. Slightly different as my children older, but my husband made no attempt to talk about things, I was “out of sight, out of mind” in a little flat nearby. Took 4.5 years to sort everything, he remarried before we’d even sold the family home, we still had to keep a joint account! I was unable to be in a chain so have ended up renting after moving three times.

Been living separately in same house for almost one year, only just told DC who has finished their final school exams a couple of weeks ago. My wife and I haven't really eaten anything the same for years so we buy our own food and cook separately. I do my own shopping. She has a TV room upstairs so basically just lives up there and I do most of housework downstairs. House will be sold as it's too big and expensive for either of us to keep on. Because we are in Scotland the date of separation is critical so I've kept a spreadsheet of all the bills I've paid since then as I've traditionally paid everything, i.e energy, broadband, Netflix, insurance etc. that will then all be subtracted from her settlement. In terms of day to day stuff I would say we just get what's needed but I tend to get most of it. But I've been using up older toiletries, freezer food, cleaning stuff etc. really trying to downsize and declutter at same time. We probably get along much better than before as we are keeping it amicable and even if she really annoys me for instance I just let it go as don't need the argument. It feels like a form of limbo in purgatory but it really is what it is unfortunately. If I was you I wouldn't move out until you've got a financial agreement and future roadmap all sorted out, unless of course you are really desperate to do so.

OP - how old is your child? Kids under 16 don't just get to "chose" to live with one of the parents, as Courts consider both parents to be important for child's wellbeing.

As to moving out - you own the house together, so both have a right to stay there until there is an official financial order. Court may require it to be sold, unless your H can buy you out.

But this won't happen for a while. You need to plot the path forward - and that includes actually filing for divorce, which you can do on your own, online.

As far as day to day - you'll figure it out. It works differently for different people. Some people manage to remain civil - and that is really the best for the kids.
I lived with exH for a while while divorce went on. Kids did not know about divorce until we sorted out financials and child arrangements. So - we kept up the regular routines - but exH travels for work and we didn't have too involved relationship in the past few years before divorce, so it was not very difficult.

Children over 12 years are consulted about where they want to live and their opinions are taken into account.

Many thanks for all your responses. Decluttering is definitely the stage I am at. And then a solicitor that will help me understand the options about the house better and in turn what might be best for DS (who will be 12 next term). That will be a tricky one because Husband has long form for periodically hurting DS (pinching, knocking him over) not to mention highly confrontational in a way that brings out the worst in DS. Not withstanding this, DS thinks the world of H and shares many of his interests. I know DS loves me too, but I am definitely the “boring” one.

Does he think the world of him, or is he placating ("fawning") a man who assaults him? Yes pinching and pushing him over is assault.

Please get some support for the abuse. There isn't some kind of threshold that needs to be crossed for support.

Your son will not have insight into the abusive dynamic of his relationship with his dad. Read up about trauma bonding.

Interesting. I'm not too sure whether it's trauma bonding, but I think I need to understand a bit more about domestic abuse/violence. I have looked it up quite a few times but it's described in such general terms thst it makes it hard to know whether the specific incidents are DA/DV. For example if it only happens say every few months. And then there's other things such as hectoring which isn't exactly abuse but isn't a good form of parenting. Or, as husband did the other day, blamed DS because another boy at school groped his private parts. The boy has done this to others and plenty more besides, but in Husband's opinion it was DS's fault for making a silly comment first. Is that abuse? It took a long time to get my point across to Husband that not withstanding DS said something rather silly it was the other child that chose to grope him. This sort of thing is not listed as emotional abuse but I have my suspicions that this is exactly what it is. I had no idea Husband had said this to DS until DS told me the next day.

Also, borderline type things such as Husband (who has a PhD in the sciences) insisting that DS tackles his maths homework Husband's way rather than the way School have told him to. This caused DS distress so does that count as abuse? It's a tricky area. It may be me having different views about parenting from Husband or it could be that husband's approach is something more.

Yes I think you're identifying various examples of abuse there. One of the things they focus on if you get counselling would likely be how to identify abusive situations, as you get so used to living with it that you actually can't anymore

@ComeTheMoment this may be a long shot but - Im thinking ASD?