Told DH to leave

[IWillBeOkHope]

I know I am making the right decision but I am not a very confident person so I always doubt myself.

Been married for over a decade but the last 3 years have been tough. He’s my friend and we have such a good laugh but that’s it. There’s no physical intimacy, no affection, it’s like we are housemates. I always feel worthless and ugly because he is not interested.

On top of that, he is messy and a hoarder. My house literally looks like a dump and I’m tired of it. I also have a disabled daughter who is mentally unwell. She lashed out at him, kicking him on his side. It wasn’t hard and it didn’t hurt him but he reacted by tapping her on her leg (she’s 21 years old). He also told her that was assault what she did and he will call the police. Bear in mind that her mental illness is severe anxiety and she’s scared of people in general as well as the police (linked to a traumatic experience that caused her to be sectioned). That broke something in me when he did that. She had a bad reaction to it and started with her panics again.

He just doesn’t care about anything. He will sleep in his clothes and wear them the next day for like a week. He doesn’t care about his health. He’s arrogant and think he knows better than anyone else. He never brushes his teeth or goes to the dentist and they are rotting.

Im just scared I guess and need encouragement and support in my decision

He sounds vile OP.

You’ve made the right decision 100% and you need to stay strong and keep his unhygienic, messy, arrogant, unfeeling man away from you!

How did he react when you told him to leave?

Thank you so much, your post has made me feel better 😊.

Thats the weird thing, when I told him, he literally just said, “ok”. That was his complete and only response. It’s like he’s not bothered.

Well, fantastic! Good riddance and you know how much he valued you from that alone.

Stay strong, you’re doing what many are so scared to do and giving yourself an opportunity for true happiness rather than the easy option of staying and not rocking the boat and living half a life!

@Lmnop22 Thank you. So would he fight for me if he was bothered? Is that not a normal response?

You hit the nail on the head, I was always afraid to rock the boat because I don’t like conflict, I don’t like change and I don’t like hurting people.

So has he gone? How’s your daughter?

im sure I’m going to get a BASHING her, but here goes…. Your daughter kicked him and “lashed out”, he “tapped” her(!?).
he sounds like a prick and insanely disgusting, but what does “tapped” mean? Poked her leg? Touched her arm?
I have severe mental health problems to the point I’m disabled but don’t go around lashing out and kicking people

She has a mental illness and was sectioned. She also has a learning disability and autism. She doesn’t think about her actions until after. It’s wrong of her to do that, I agree but it’s not an appropriate way to handle it in my opinion. He hit her on her leg.

Sorry I forgot to add, my daughter is better now I’ve stopped him helping with her care. Her aggression has also calmed down. He’s leaving today.

Has he actually gone or has he just agreed and carried on as normal?

You and your daughter will probably feel better when his craps gone and there's a bit more space in the house. No tension can do the nerves a world of good.

He’s agreed and I’ve seen him pack some stuff. I know he will leave though because this happened last year too and he didn’t put up any resistance but stupid me had him back thinking he would stick to his promise and change 🙄

I don’t mean to worry you but an arrogant hoarder will not leave just because you told him to go. And it us not too late to learn that people’s words don’t always match their actions.

Instead of worrying over whether he would “fight for you” or be bothered or unbothered by being asked to leave you need to take a deep breath and get ready to fight to free yourself from this slob.

A hoarder type is going to resist leaving their hoard—and you and your daughter may be included in his hoard in his mind.

Start telling friends and your GP/sicial worker if any.

Deal with the legal issues.

And get ready to throw out all his stuff if you can safely do so. Or box it up and get it out on the same day he leaves. This may help sever the connection.

ETA: cross posted with your very good update! I still think you need to really clean house—dd permitting—think about it like removing the breadcrumbs so he can’t find his way back.

You did the right thing. Keep strong and change your front door lock!

Just as an example of his hoarding, I literally cannot walk down the bottom of the bed round to the other side due to all his stuff piled up. I can only walk on my side to my bed, which is also restricted as he has more stuff stacked up in the corner.

Box it all up and get rid.

Will he take all his shit with him?

Not right away. Seriously, there is so much it’s ridiculous. It will probably take a while to get it all out. Don’t know where he’s going to put it all as his mum only lives in a bungalow but that’s not my problem.

Give him a deadline in writing so it’s not left there for months on end. Let him know he has to take it to storage /his new house etc or it’s going to the skip/charity.

He’s gone. Why do I feel so awful even though this is what I want?

Glad he's gone, OP.

What are you doing with all his shite? Don't keep it in your house, get rid ASAP.

It would be abnormal if you didn’t feel sad.
Is he your daughter’s dad? Does he work?
Over 10 years you have built a life and over that time you expect it to continue. I am sure at some point he and your daughter have had some laughs and good times. And when those good times go, you feel sad.
He could be the loveliest man, but you cannot live with his mess.
Add in the lack of personal care. He’s switched off from everyone. It could be depression but at this stage he needs to go and get his own help. Rotten teeth are revolting.
You have enough to do caring for your daughter. Maybe over time, in a cleaner home with a happier mum she may open up a bit. I do hope so.
Don’t let him store all that stuff at your home, either.
You need some time and space.

This reply actually made me cry in a good way, thank you! It helps me to try and remain logical about it all but sometimes feelings of guilt creep in.

No, he’s not my daughter’s dad. We got together when she was 9 years old and at that age, she was fine with everything but as she got older, she didn’t like being around him.

There have been good times and I’ve always had a laugh with him, we have the same sense of humour but I don’t believe that is enough for a marriage. We have no connection at all, we are 100% like housemates. We live separate lives, but just in the same house really.

He hasn’t worked for around 9 years. The last couple of years he has helped me care for my daughter as it’s been tough but he didn’t work before she got unwell. He worked when we first got together but it’s like he couldn’t be bothered after that.

@PeggyMitchellsCameoyou are so right, I cannot live with the mess anymore. I can’t live with the lack of respect for his surroundings and for me. I deserve better than that surely.

He has switched off. His dad died 3 years ago and I’ve tried to be supportive and understanding but it’s like all his emotions have gone.

It's a good thing he's gone @IWillBeOkHope

Channel your energies into your DD.

Try not to think of your ex. And don't have him back!

Did he take all his stuff the last time he left, or were you left with all of it?

OP, is he really a hoarder? ie he can't throw anything away and gets angry and anxious if you want to throw something away?

If so, you should read up on hoarding. He may have taken his body out of your house but his stash is still there. For hoarders, their possessions are a HUGE part of who they are. That may be why he left so readily the first and this time - because to him, his stash=him, ergo to him, he still lives in your house.

Since you took him back the first time, he likely expects that you will again let him back in, back with his stash.

If he really is a hoarder, getting his stuff out of your house may be much harder than getting him to leave. It could take YEARS to get him to take all his stuff, and each interaction will keep him centralized in your head. This could mean you let him back in out of sheer exhaustion, or because you've forgotten how terrible it was to live with him, or because he's helpful with your daughter.

His stash will keep living in your house and it will keep him in your life for perpetuity, if you let him.

Make him take ALL of it, every scrap. You might find that he will react VERY strongly to this.

I am so glad that you have taken absolutely the right decision, both for you and for your dd.

What I suggest you do right now is to call a locksmith and get the locks changed. People say 'oh you aren't allowed to do that as it is his home too' but he has assaulted your dd. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he demanded access to the house.

Tell him that you will put his belongings outside, and if he doesn't collect them within 7 days, you will be hiring a skip.

All of this!

That's why I asked earlier if he'd taken his stuff the last time he left. Did he?
Can you realistically see him moving all off his hoard anytime soon?