What are we thinking? Whats he playing at..

[alexis97]

Hi mums, my husband left me 8 weeks ago for another woman at work. Since then he given so many mixed signals about what he wants, trying to reconnect in subtle ways which ive shut down every time.

He came to drop the kids off yesterday and put his phone on the floor infront of where he knew id see it. There was a photo of him and the girl he went behind my back with kissing as his wallpaper so she’s back on the scene. I said very calm and cool “that’s an interesting photo, how long?” He went 2-3 weeks, so 5 weeks after we separated. He insisted they were just friends and was messaging her flirting behind my back and arranging to go and see her at her house with the notifications switched off. I wished him well and told him to make sure she’s right before he introduces the kids. I then informed him I will be applying for divorce now for the level of disrespect. He said ive always deserved better than him. I told him when I move out in 3 days I will give him back the keys by leaving them in the key safe. He then told me he wants me to keep them incase of an emergency or if the dogs need something while he’s on a long shift. I told him that’s not my issue anymore it’s his and to give one to his mam or his new girlfriend, he said “no why would I?” I then told the kids to say goodbye and 2 minutes later he comes back up with the car seat and asks if I need it, I said no and that I would have said if I did, he said I’ll put it in the cupboard and I just closed the door. People are saying they think he’s confused and this is a rebound because why would he want me to keep his spare key? It feels so strange.. I don’t understand. Then he was saying he didn’t know what was going to happen with him and this girl. Confused much? They started dating unofficially 5 weeks after we split after a 5 and a half year marriage..

I messaged today to let him know my friends (kids godparents) will be having the kids tomorrow while I move as he’s at work and wouldn’t return till 1:30 in the afternoon. He read it, didn’t reply and then messaged me back saying whatever works best just to let him know with a bunch of smiley faces. The bit that’s confused me the most is why would you want me to keep your house key and not give it to your mam or new girlfriend?

Sorry OP but it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to reconnect at all.

A week before this he told me he didn’t want a divorce, was buying me expensive gifts for my birthday from the kids, looking for me round work, trying to be in the same areas as me, messaging me constantly and using the kids to try and talk to me, he stood in my living room the other day after putting his phone under my nose so I would see the photo saying he doesn’t know what he wants from this relationship from her and that he wants me to keep him spare keys.

Also told me he wants us to be a family regardless if we are together or not to which I declined.

I’m sorry but I feel like he’s trying to soften the blow a bit, but I don’t think he wants to reconnect at all.

If you share kids together it would be quite normal to have a key for each other's house - maybe if the kids need something at the other parent's house, but they're out (though I had to take my ex's back as he kept coming in when I was out). It would also be perfectly normal to not have keys - bit it doesn't really mean anything.

The comment about family probably means he just wants to have a close co-parenting relationship.

Sounds like he feels a bit guilty and wants to try and keep things friendly.
if he wanted you back he wouldn’t have wanted you to see the screensaver and he wouldn’t mention the other woman at all.

you need to forget about him and move on rather than trying to analyse all of the above

He wants to have all the advantages of being married and not married at the same time.
So he wants to have a new girlfriend whenever he wants and he also wants to be a family and have you on call to look after the dogs.

Get a parent app for co parenting and only communicate with him that way.

Draw a line under the relationship, he sounds like a user and as soon as his current gf works out what he's like and dumps him he'll be crawling back to you until the next girl comes along.

OP, I read your last thread and I really feel for you.
You are clearly trying to process everything that’s been going on.
From everything you have said, he’s quite simply all over the place. He’s trying to keep you in some sort of place, so you are there come rain or shine.
He has treated you terribly and then suddenly started buying you things and then making a ‘show’ of events and occasions when he hasn’t bothered before.
The fact is, you cannot trust a word he says, his actions or anything he gives to you. He’s doing the ‘we will be family’ thing in case this girlfriend doesn’t work out.
God knows what he’s saying to her, but right now, he sounds like he is encouraging you to
play the pick me dance.
You deserve better. He’s a liar, and a cheat, and not to be trusted.
Let his mother have a spare key for now.
You seem perplexed by his behaviours because you know in your heart they aren’t coming from a truthful place.
He has been having an affair, and has been cheating on you and your children.
It is time to put them, and you, first.
Stop communicating with him unless it’s for practical arrangements.
It takes a special kind of nasty man to leave his wife and then start to shower her with gifts, when he knows he is now with someone else.
Don’t be his insurance policy.

This. I don’t see any signs of wanting to reconnect. I think most people I know who divorced with children in reasonably amicable circumstances have a key to the other person’s house for emergencies, or know the code for a key safe or similar. Then again, I do know others who won’t have their ex anywhere near their house and hand over the children at a petrol station.

He dont want you op if he did he wouldn't have cheated and left you in the first place sorry sounds like he's just softening the blow.
Get a divorce and move on dont stand around waiting to be the stand in if it all falls apart.

My ex did the same to me we weren't married thank god.
He's still with the one he left me for 11 years on with kids.
He's not important to me anymore.
But im pleased he done what he done because i wouldn't have been living the life i have now.

He sounds like he's being completely straight with you - he wants you to have a key in case of emergency or if he wants you to tend to the dogs (who's dogs are they, his or the family pets?). I don't think he wants to get back together, but equally he's no idea if his new relationship will go anywhere. Saying he wants you to always be a family might be just a clumsy way of saying he wants things to stay amicable between you. But it's possible he wants to keep you as a back up plan in case it goes tits up with the new woman (good chance it will). So you're right to progress the divorce at this stage, sets a clear boundary.

They are his dogs, they aren’t mine. I told him straight up if he wants the break up he doesn’t get to have me in life to do these things and that we solely communicate on the kids only. I’m not going to run his errands for his dogs, he can get his new lass to do it or his mam But when I told him that he went “errrr no why would I do that” because I’m not there to tend to you anymore.

He’s so used to me handling everything and caring for everyone including the dogs he’s in for a shock

He feels bad and wants you to still like or even love him. Even though he cheated and you've split. He doesn't want to feel like the villain in the story. But he is. That ship has sailed.

Just put they key in the safe or drop it through the letterbox. And only speak to him about practical child related issues from now on.

Because he wants you to help him out because it's convenient for him, he wants to use you.

@alexis97 "He came to drop the kids off yesterday and put his phone on the floor infront of where he knew id see it. There was a photo of him and the girl he went behind my back with kissing as his wallpaper so she’s back on the scene. "

He wants to come back and he's trying to make you jealous. Or he just wants to see you being jealous because it will make him feel good to have two women "fighting" for him.

Drop the rope and stop thinking about him. Every minute you spend thinking about him and trying to decipher his motivations is another minute you let him rent-free in your head and don't get on with making a great life for yourself.

Sounds like he is sucking up.
Look at me I a good dad, I'm so reasonable with my ex....
Soon it will all be about money.
Be ready
X

In that case, yes he just wants you to have keys for his own convenience, so he can keep using you as his lackey. Are any of your DC old enough to have a door key themselves?

Why on earth would you imply that because you’re no longer there to do his chores, they’re now a different woman’s problem? By definition, they’re his problem.

She knew he was married and had kids and dogs when they had an affair so let her step up since she was so eager to have my life and everything that came with it! Best of luck to her :)

Exactly. They made their bed so let them lie in it. Make sure he steps up with his kids. If he is feeling guilty or wants to look like the good guy now is the time to start making plans and demands. Regardless of whether it works out with the new woman he’s let you down. He’s a weak man who has blown up your life. Don’t give him a chance to do it again even if he wants to come back.

all
this sounds familiar, I went through this despite my ex actually leaving me for the other woman which was only revealed 18 months after he discarded, he kept emotionally tethered to him and even sent me an email saying ‘he couldn’t cope with out me, didn’t know what to do and was completely broken’ this was 8 months after ending the marriage and a month after I’d had the trauma of moving out of the family home and hit with the reality of becoming a part time parent. I’ve only recently found out when he sent this message he’d been paying money into his girlfriend’s bank account for months and living with her part of the week. Men who discard their wife and children like this are mentally disturbed, do not believe anything he says. I am a complete mess still as I let him emotionally abuse me like this for so long, do not let him have a moment of your time.

He isn't trying to reconnect - yet. He's trying to leave the door half open so if things go wrong with his new girlfriend or he has major regrets in a few months time then he can come home and try to 'work things out'. Don't fall for it. It's just slimy. They always want to when it's too late.

I think the point op was making is that his new gf wouldn't want to and if she was asked would see the reality of being with this man.

How are things @alexis97 ?