Why am I feeling so "nonchalant" about all these men on the dating apps?

[ForeverHopeful3]

Hi everyone, I broke up with my ex-BF of 3 years a little under 2 months ago and last week, I decided to get myself on Bumble, Hinge, and FB Dating just to see what its like.

I have gotten a lot of matches on Bumble and FB dating especially, and men are sending me messages, but I just feel so "blah" about all of them. No one has seemed enticing to me after the first couple of messages, and I find myself getting bored with conversations FAST.... is this normal?

I am 33F, and fairly attractive/fit, so I expected all the matches. What I didn't expect was my lack of attraction literally towards all of them. And I am not matching with losers. Most of them have great jobs, like business owners, surgeons, investors, etc.

I met my EX on Hinge 3 years ago, and I remember we hit it off so fast. And I had this feeling of "I cant wait to here from him" almost from the start, but I haven't experienced it yet with a single man that I have talked to.

It's because you can't judge chemistry from an App.

Get your arse down the pub. There's no better feeling than being in a pub full of available men and looking around to see whether anyone you might fancy is eyeing you up.

Then take it from there. Chemistry first, then dating. Not the other way round, it's too clinical.

You're probably not ready for a relationship yet.

I want to agree with you, but like the other user said, if a guy approaches me in public, I'm down to share contact info and go out for drinks if I'm feeling a connection.

But it is near impossible to meet men "organically" nowadays.

But it is near impossible to meet men "organically" nowadays.

Eh? Why?

100% agree with you! But I feel like even there, its getting more and more difficult to meet men organically.

Maybe I am not looking in the right places.

I also have this predisposition that men at places like pubs/bars/clubs aren't the most suited for long term/marriage material, so I have stayed away from those. I've only gone a handful of times with friends for celebrations.

So if you’re not a pub goer, what do you like doing? Are there men there to meet organically?

@ForeverHopeful3 older than you but in a similar position. Had such a fantastic connection with my ex who I met years back online. Now back on Bumble and its just boring. I think online dating has had its day really. On the one hand like previous posters have said, it's so difficult to meet people organically, but at the same time, the fact that everyone/anyone goes online has meant people have become jaded. I'm lost what the answer is. People say pubs but are people even going out that much anymore? Most i know are shattered from work so aren't doing the bar scene (men and women) plus wfh so less interaction with anyone

Being "meh" about it is good!
I went into OLD all optimistic, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I came down to earth fast and hard. Was so miserable over it all.
Once I developed "meh" I was able to enjoy it.
Meet them early, even if its just coffee, no chemistry? Block them before you're home.
It saves time.
Eventually you'll meet someone you click with, before you know it you'll be snogging on a train platform (I hear.. 👀) rather than sending a "not for me" message followed by a block 😁

Men get more ‘meh’ with age as a rule I’m afraid. So you’ll need to be prepared to wait or lower your standards. I recommend waiting

Could you be done with men?

You just haven't been lucky yet.

I don't know what criteria you are seeking out (I know you mentioned jobs as one), but I have been incredibly discerning with my likes and with who I matched with. I came out with 5 conversations. Friendzoned one when I delved deeper into our lives. Dropped one the second he hit one of my red/ amber flags. Briefly dated one who just wasn't right and I got rid, and the next day I met what appears to be the man of my dreams.

I'd agree the ratio of pings to actually interesting is very low, but that's normal. We don't fancy many of the people we meet in real life, after all.

Probably for the same reason that when I put a Netflix show on my watch list I immediately lose interest in it. These apps kill desire. Not all of us are cut out for them.

8 weeks seems a bit soon? But who am I to judge, I was on an app ‘too soon’ after a major relationship and at least I felt I wasn’t missing anything because they were all so unappealing.

There are still people in pubs.

Says the person who probably hasn't been in a pub in years. The very few occasions I go in my local there's 3 or 4 red nosed older guys propping up the bar, a handful of empty-nester couples eating, and that one drunkard who bothers everyone stumbling around.

Unless you're a pub person and see that as your future, why on earth would you go to one to find a potential date?

The odds of a man in the right age group, right demographic, your type, fancies you and is single (and looking) being in the same pub at the same time is so incredibly small.

They don’t want to make any effort. Hence, no attraction/ appeal

OK. Not pub then if it doesn't work for you (it works for me).

Just anything outdoors a mixed social group activity. The point i'm really trying to make is , get your face off your phones and your arses outside.Hormones don't lie.

I think it depends on what you expect from the messaging aspect of it, and I don't think you can expect to be one-sided about it either.

I find messaging rather dry, and I'm rather tired of the five word or less responses that don't seem to want to continue the conversation, but I assume the other party wants the messaging to continue, forcing you to put all the effort in to get the conversation going. I find it a lot more natural in real life.

I met one of the guys in person yesterday and there was no chemistry. SIGH

This happened to me after my last relationship ended. Met good men, just wasn’t interested. In retrospect, I wasn’t ready. Took time out, started a new hobby, went online 5 months later and met someone who I’ve now seen 5 times and we can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s timing.

52 here so online dating was very very new to me when I gave it a whirl last year.

All I got was "Meh" from it!

Lets leave aside the fact that most of the profile pics are of men.....holding dogs or halfway up a mountain or taking a photo of themselves in a Wetherspoons "back of the door" mirror or in a hired suit or with their kids or next to a v expensive car.

I agree that you really cant tell what a person is like just from a photo and I am far more organic in my relationships than that. Every single meaningful relationship I have had has been with someone I was already friends with or knew reasonably well.

Getting out there into the real world is your best bet. Especially if you are good at a male dominated hobby. I play poker where men out number women massively, its like shooting fish in a barrel!

Have you got any interests/ hobbies? Surely if you’re a gym goer then meeting a guy in a gym is better? Or if you’re a runner meet them at a running club. Are you a drinker? If not don’t look in pubs because you will end up with a drinker.

Don't chase.

Take time out for yourself.

Ditch the apps.

Go on a solo trip. Do fun things. Join random clubs and events. Meet new people but do not chase a relationship, because when you stop chasing... you'll know when it happens for real.

There are always going to be men (sadly? 😀). You don't have to dive in straight away.

I'd agree it's timing. I've been single for many years, bringing up my Dd, and tried the apps a couple of times post-covid - had a few coffee dates but never really felt it and thought it was all rather a waste of time.
This spring, with my Dd now at uni, I'd taken a bit of time out after a very stressful couple of years and was in a really different headspace so I thought I'd give it another go. Almost immediately matched with someone lovely who I've now been seeing for over 3 months and it's looking really promising. (Having said that, I continue to hate the initial texting bit and was feeling pretty uninspired before getting to know him in person, but he ticked enough boxes for me to feel it was worth giving it a go)
Timing & luck, I think.

Whilst meeting in person is difficult it is not impossible. How many of the following have you tried - local pub/bar when they have pub quiz or similar; any sports groups; work related networking events; festivals; mixed sports classes/gym; roller skating groups; choir; farmers markets? There are quite a few other gallery openings and art events where there is a somewhat younger crowd. You can also ask every acquaintance, not close friend, for an introduction. I think it would require incredible persistence but you might at least see someone in person that you actually feel excited about.