Feeling mixed emotions

[Lozzy199707]

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 10 months now and he recently went to Thailand to go see his daughter which I have no issue with I’m totally fine with that. he said that he’d be gone for about 4 to 6 weeks which like I said I am fine with I’ve got no issues with that but I can’t help but feeling like I’ve been kicked to the curb. the Friday night he left I didn’t hear anything from him so I messaged him before he got on his flight to wish him a safe flight, to keep in touch and to message me when he got to Thailand so I knew he got there safe. he replied and said that he’d message me as soon as he arrived in Thailand, now this is where I start feeling a bit kicked to the curb because I found out that he arrived in Thailand through his Facebook story. I didn’t even hear anything from him all weekend until the Monday after I’d messaged him first in the morning saying that I see you’ve made it, He replied and said that he was sorry and that he was busy with his daughter which is obviously understandable but I’m thinking in my head it takes two minutes to send somebody a message, so I’ve messaged him back and I said no that’s totally fine I know you’re gonna be busy and that, I just thought that you’d have messaged me off your own back. I didn’t hear anything off him again until three days later and then again didn’t hear from him till 3/4 days later. Now fast forward to last Friday he messaged me so I messaged him back and I’d asked him if he knew when he was coming back or not. I didn’t hear anything from him until after I’ve messaged him again on Monday saying that I missed him. He messaged back and claimed that he had been poorly all weekend and that he wasn’t sure when he was coming back because he was flying out to Vietnam next week to see an old friend so I’ve messaged him back and I said well fair enough okay then just keep me updated on when you know you’re gonna come back which bring us today and I’ve still not heard owt from him.

I just feel mixed emotions right now, I don’t know how to feel. Before he went to Thailand, we were speaking on a daily basis seeing each other every weekend/every other weekend on a regular basis for 10 months straight. I just feel like as soon as he’s got on the plane that I’ve been kind of just pushed to the side, like how can you go from speaking to someone on a daily basis to then messaging them twice in one week I don’t get that and that’s what makes me think that sometimes he’s not that into me.
I think what’s messed with my head the most is 6 days before he left he stayed at mine and he was talking about that when he comes back from Thai maybe we could take things further and have a relationship, take things slow and slowly start meeting my children and I’m totally on that page I mean I’m falling in love with this guy but at the same time I can’t help but feel mixed emotions from him. one minute I feel like he wants me then I feel like he’s pushed me away.

I haven’t said anything to him yet I don’t like saying stuff like this over message while he’s all the way over in Asia and I’m in the UK. I know that when he does come back I will be telling him that if he does want to have a relationship with me, then he starts to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I just wanted to come on here to have a little rant to some strangers, I’m not really looking for advice cause I know how am gonna handle this but if you’ve got advice feel free to post it. I just needed to get it off my chest because otherwise I’d be say overthinking it to myself. Thank you for taking the time to read my long post 😊

It sounds like your relationship with him was pretty casual until right before he left. Perhaps he's not really looking for things to get more serious.

Maybe ask him where you stand via text, so he can gather his thoughts and reply honestly, before you get fully invested in this man? It seems like you’re quite hurt as he's being quite standoffish for someone you’ve been seeing for 10 months which is fair.
If he wants to keep things more casual you may want to take a step back.
If he feels similar to you then you’ll need to communicate that you’d like him to be in touch with you more often, as 2-3 days of silence is a bit rubbish when as you say it takes no time to send someone a quick ‘thinking of you’ text.

If you've been seeing him for 10 months and he doesn't think you are yet in a relationship, he's wasting your time.

Are you sure he's single?

He’s just not that into you, I’d say. I wouldn’t invest any more time fretting about him. Just leave him to it, and see what happens if he deigns to contact you when he returns. Get on with your summer and don’t lie around mooning after him. He’s having a wonderful time travelling without you.

I would try not to overthink things atm (difficult I know). Maybe step back a little bit and as he’s away with his daughter just give him space to enjoy that special time. It may be as simple as a time difference thing where he doesn’t want to message for fear of waking you up etc. The proof of the pudding will be on his return and whether he still wants to proceed with his original thoughts and hopes for your future together. Consider this as good thinking time for you both - it’s a big decision. I suppose the only thing I’d do in your position is tell him that you’re feeling a bit low given how used you are to daily contact and see how he responds. If he’s a caring man he’ll say something to make you feel better and therefore renew your confidence that he’s the man for you.

OP - I’ve been seeing my one for the same amount of time - it’s a long distance relationship - live 100 miles apart - we’ve seen one another every week for the past 2 months due to commitments down his way - I stay for 3 nights. Not seen him for 2 weeks now as I have had things to do where I live - I nearly said the L word a few weeks ago but didn’t - something is niggling me - I think 10 months in is a strange stage - the getting to know you phase is over and you’re now at the ‘now what’ stage. In our case we have both said that we do not want marriage - in our 60s - been there, done it. I have noticed that I’m normally the one to message first since we last met so I’m taking a step back - communication is a two way street. Yes he is enjoying quality time with his daughter but it only takes a few minutes to send an ‘I’m thinking of you’ message - both have to keep the intimacy going even when apart. Hope it works out for you.

Yes, it’s a marathon length for something he doesn’t think is a relationship! What does he think you’re doing if not in a relationship? Is there a reason you only see one another once weekly or fortnightly?

Thanks guys there’s lots of great advice, I do think he’s single yeah and the only reason we see each other on weekends is because he’s a lorry driver so he works away Monday to Friday and I also are 3 kids, I think the way forward from here is like some of you said, is to just take a step back and enjoy summer. I’m just gonna keep it sweet and simple until he comes back and if he wants to see me when hes back, I’m just gonna be honest with him and tell him how he’s made me feel and how I feel about him and what he wants to do.

what doesn’t help as well as I’ve I left an abusive relationship 2 1/2 years ago so this dating and seeing someone stuff is quite new to me

It bitter sweet really its not too bad for me he only lives 26 miles away so it literally a half hour drive but he work away as a lorry driver Monday to Friday so I only really get to see him on weekends when I haven’t got my kids, am just scared of getting hurt again, I’m being really cautious about my feeling which I think is making me overthink things,
at one point I felt like I was being unreasonable but I don’t think am

i hope your situation works out for you too it difficult when it’s long distance I hope you manage to find your happiness

He sees this as a lot more casual than you do.

I don’t maybe he’s does, but if that’s the case why would someone say about having a relationship and especially say about meeting my kids that just filling someone the rubbish
But am just gonna take a step back for now stop overthinking about it and see what happens

Does he prefer directness? Could he even have some autistic like traits even if not autistic?

In the past, I could have seen me doing something like this before I developed some more self awareness and intention into seeing a partners pov when it doesnt always come naturally (altho 3-4 days without a text after 10 months would have been pushing it even for me!):

E.g. I would have fully meant what he did about next level once home. But I might also have been very single minded and focused in the moment of what I was doing whilst away. But id assume that was ok unless told otherwise because:

The 10 months had gone so well, i'd expressed my desires for when i got home and hadnt taken that back, and there had been a chat beforehand that it was going to be a distant/tough month.

So I would have felt 100% secure in the relationship myself, and like the lower contact had been sign posted in advance.
It might not have even crossed my mind you might lose that sense of security and connection despite the low contact (as i wouldn't have), unless you told me directly.

None of this makes it ok btw, and I wouldn't do it now. But just a thought.

But crucially, I also would have been devastated if I knew I was hurting my partner. But id have needed an annoying amount of directness to realise that 🙈:

'Hey, I know you're really busy while you're there, and we discussed how you'd be away. But im finding only texting every 3-4 days hard - I miss you and our connection. Its making me wonder if something is wrong, even tho we agreed to move to the next level once you're back. I would feel more connected if we texted and talked more while you're away - can we do that?'

His reaction would be telling.... If its anything like 'omg you're so needy' or 'come on, you know im away', or he's otherwise shifty

And not something like:

'Omg, im so sorry ive upset you. Ive been distracted but now i know its been bothering you, then of course ill text more, and how about we have a call on x day. Thank you for telling me. And i definitely meant it about when im home - cant wait to see you and go to the next level x'

Then id be worried.

Yes, you should step back a little. Leave him to do the messaging. You're not being unreasonable to expect more from him now, actually I think the right term for his communication since he's been away is 'a bit wank'. I'd be expecting him to start to show that you matter more to him.

This^

I think he was making sure you remain on the hook while he’s away.

Maybe he said those things just before he left as a place saver, to keep you on hold as he knew he’d be gone for weeks and wanted to make sure you’d be waiting when he got back. His lack of communication while he’s been gone suggests that he doesn’t want the relationship to progress and you’ll probably find it will continue as before. Is that what you want?

I think you should just let it go until he comes back….

update:
so thought is post a quick update date so communication has still be same and he staying out longer now so still not sure when he’s back but I woke up this morning i decided I needed to know where I stood with this bloke so I decided to message him this morning
this is what I put
“I was gonna leave this till you was back babe and talk to ya face to face I don’t like talking serious on messages but I can’t wait its playing my mind too much everyday babe
Please Be honest
Are you actually interested in me because i feel mixed feelings from you all the time like one minute you want me but then next am kicked to the curb, it feels like you only talk to me and want me when it suits you, because you have ignored me lots of times even before you want aboard, when it take two mins send a message I don’t where I stand with you half the time
I don’t feel any security from you at all and it’s hard when am sat waiting for you like a dog with a bone cause I really do like you and l mean I really really like you a lot you make me feel so amazing but also confused at the same time I just want to feel secure xx”
i think that was an okay message but now I have doubts of saying something to him, I know I said on previous post I was gonna wait. But the not knowing when he’s back is making it difficult to not say something am awaiting a reply for him

You have done all you can.
You clearly think a lot of this man but his actions right now are not what you deserve.
I have seen a lot of threads on here from women who meet lorry drivers/oil rig workers who say they aren’t available at certain times, and actually are. They often are married or have another relationship.
Are you sure this man is single? Have you been to his home? Do his close friends and family know you?
I think he’s being a shit not contacting you. Yes, he doesn’t have to check in constantly but he’s playing games.
You have said what you needed to say.

Who does his daughter live with in Thailand? Her mother? Could they have rekindled their relationship?

In the kindest possible way, if you’re confused by the way a man is with you then he’s not into you.
I learnt the hard way and wasted so much time. Don’t hang around for someone that’s not wanting to message you

Did you say you are 60 ? Wow, your message sounds like a 16 year old

He’s replied and said this.
“Look babe in England I messaged you back at least every day
I worked long hours then once parked up was to sleep always quickly

And now I’m out here babe I’m just busy
I don’t always have the best signal and I always reply soon as possible
I don’t want u to think am messing you about coz am not it’s just my situation especially at the moment with me not in the country
I really really like you too but if this is causing you stress then you need to decided what u want to do coz I don’t want u to be feeling shit
At the moment I don’t even have a date for when I’m coming back but I do plan to come back babe
I don’t know what to say except I definitely don’t wana lose u at all but I don’t know if your going to be able to handle our different situations in life at the moment
If you can wait for me then great but u need to think and decide if you can do it xx”
I feel like I hit a nerve

I do know he’s single and his family and friends do know about me he doesn’t have a house he’s stays with his dad he weeks he’s home
his daughter lives with her mum as she Thai too and shes married so I don’t think that would happen but yeah I’ve said what I’ve needed to say, I couldn’t bite my tongue any longer

And no I’m not 60 I’m 27 turn 28 this Friday,
i just want to add I’ve never done this before I was in an relationship since I was 13 and the last five years of it I was physically and mentally abused only mange to get free 2 and half years ago and the guy am seeing is aware of this also