Getting married when you have a shaky parental relationship

[Daisyvodka]

Wasn't sure what else to title this really.

I know that there are people out there in the same boat from previous threads, who have relationships with their parents that are on the surface 'fine' but cause us a great deal of stress for various reasons, death by 1000 cuts backstory etc, normally due to the parents emotional immaturity (Shout out to that Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents book)
So the kind of relationship where you see each other every so often, make pleasantries and parent goes away feeling like they've had a lovely time they can tell their friends about and you are glad its over for a bit. If anyone asked them, they would say the relationship was good. Its only good because you have wrestled it into a box you can handle.
(Sidenote: please dont come on this thread with comments about how you wish you could have one more day with your dead parent, we put enough guilt on ourselves and dont need it from others!)

So those of you who are in this position.... what did you do when you got married? Did you just suck it up and have them there? Did you leave them out and cause a fallout?

My scenario is that we want to get married, and invite DPs immediate (loving, close) family and partners, but i dont want one of my parents there for various reasons, but none of them feel 'legit' enough (not going to cause a scene, no big recent falling out etc) and they would be devastated not to be invited and not understand why (and it would be hard to explain why) but I just know if I did i would spend the whole time leading up to the wedding with a knot in my stomach. And it would probably be 'fine' but I'd be on edge all day.

Please tell me there's people out there who understand what I'm saying here.

I don’t know your personal scenario, but Dh and I both have difficult relationships with our families (both our dads are dead, due to addiction and other tragic circumstances) and we have long had tricky relationships with our mums. We are NC with our stepdads and I am now NC with my mum.

For me, as an outsider, it sounds a bit like a shit or get off the pot situation, as my granny would have said. If you have a parent that you so desperately don’t want at your wedding, is there a reason you are still tenuously holding onto that relationship? I think a wedding is a really big deal and there is a lot of symbolic significance to not being invited to a wedding.

To me, it sounds like you either need to make peace with the role they’ll play in your life (emotionally sterile visits a few times a year) and throw them a token wedding invite and find a way to get through it. Or you accept that causing you to have knots in your stomach at the thought of them is no way to have a relationship and end it, and embrace the lovely family you have via your partner and your friends and make your day what you want it to be. It sounds like it’s really hard because you’re trying to sort of limbo between the two and not make a decision about which way to go, but this might be the point where you have to unfortunately.

I understand and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this sort of choice.
My mother is an abusive, narcissistic functioning alcoholic and my father is her enabler with a horrible temper. After a lot of work on myself I am mostly a normal functioning member of society with absolutely no thanks to them, but on the outside you’d think they were nice if not a bit loud.
Nobody believes who they are until they see it themselves (and boy, do they all end up seeing it!)

My OH and I had a small, back garden argument with them back in March which they made into a huge thing and then tried to get my OH arrested two weeks later as he supposedly made death threats and assaulted my father - none of which happened.
I decided to apply a non-molestation order as we found out a few days after the argument that I was pregnant and decided we needed to put that first. This has thankfully been granted and life has been so much happier since.

My point is, if this is filling you with dread then maybe it’s time to cut ties completely? Do not pay for a lovely day for it to be ruined by people who have made your life stressful and miserable, please start putting you and your partner first as they never will.

I was in your position and invited my parents to my wedding out of a sense of duty, and I suppose a lack of awareness that the choice not to was really a choice available to me. I deeply regret having them there - I had the knot in my stomach you describe in the whole lead up and during the day itself. I have since gone NC and really wish I’d done so earlier and had a wedding free of the fear of how they behaved toward me - predictably they made it all about them and complained about decisions I’d made about my own wedding. So my advice would be to trust your gut. Invest your time effort, and care into people who treat you with respect.

I completely relate to this and find the other posts interesting. I could never imagine myself getting married as could not see how I’d make it work with my abusive DM. I went no contact in the end and had a wedding 18 months later. As someone above has said, if you don’t want them at your wedding, do you really still want them in your life?

Thank you all for such kind responses, makes me feel less alone in being in limbo. @mindutopia yes you (and your granny) are right really, its such a big event that the relationship would never recover. And its so complex, yourself and @SillyScallion sound like you've been through some truly awful behaviour (and im so sorry you've both been through that) whereas this is just a lifetime of small cuts really, so it feels a lot harder to justify why I dont want them there - to myself its easy - I dont relax in their company and I dont enjoy their affection. This is further complicated by the fact that ideally we'd just have a very small handful of people for the ceremony and then a party with more later on - nothing extravagant at all, think registry office and dinner then a marquee in a garden a few days/weeks later to celebrate, but this would obviously cause more hurt, to be put into (how this person would see it) '2nd tier'.
I just feel like im being cruel to someone who will only be devastated, not angry. You are right. Maybe there is no easy answer, its one way or another.

@doopdoopdidoop this is my fear. Im sorry that you ended up going that way. 'Trust your gut' is also what im struggling with - my gut is rare to kick in but has NEVER steered me wrong, and my gut is saying dont invite them.

@Worried8263839 the honest answer is if they decided to not be in my life tomorrow, I'd feel nothing but relief. They dont bring pain or big dramatics (as I have been ground down to people please by their moods, but I digress) but they don't bring anything positive really, even though they do try - but the forceful nature of this is another sticking point, even though they are offering help i would readily accept off a friend. Turning down their help is seen as a personal slight, but in a 'im not mad im disappointed' kicked puppy way... just as manipulative as a big scene, I know. Its so hard to explain when its a lifetime of water under the bridge. I have no desire to fix the relationship becauseveryone ultimately i dont have any of the normal feelings you have when you want someone in your life genuinely, my concern for their wellbeing is driven by guilt.

No advice just know I’m in the same boat. My wedding is indefinitely postponed 🤷🏻‍♀️ parents can be hard work.

You are not alone in this experience of parents. For my wedding I had them both there with new partners. It was a fairly large wedding with 100 people and honestly I hardly saw any of them. I was so busy and happy to be getting married to my dh. My parents were all about how they looked and prob only cared to talk to their relations anyway. I barely seen them these days btw. It prob felt easier to have them there but they added nothing to my day - no kind words or anything that I remember. I moved on with my life. Choose what we will work for you and then move forward x

"the honest answer is if they decided to not be in my life tomorrow, I'd feel nothing but relief"

They don't need to to decide. The decision can be yours if you want to.

With respect, most but definitely not all parents do their best. Parents are human and entirely imperfect. Families are imperfect and at times hard work.

Your parents sacrificed, loved, and raised you. To suggest leaving a parent out of your wedding because it makes you uncomfortable is a you thing. Perhaps? And to do so in the knowledge you are deliberately hurting them is shameful.

The constant narrative of nc so prevalent on mn is immature and pathetic when adult discussions haven't taken place and solutions sought. Most adults used to be able to address conflict and now adults can't handle it, are too precious preferring to run and hide.

You are going to be modeling behaviour for your future children to learn. How will you feel not attending your daughter's wedding after all the love and sacrifices you have made?

The above comments are not directed at anyone who has suffered real trauma at the hands of a parent. It's directed at those who are self-absorbed, too lazy for adult conversations, impatient, unempathetic, and unforgiving. Of which, there are plenty.

Same boat as you OP (you described it well in your first post). We got married at the courthouse instead of having a wedding - it was great!

Do all parents love and make sacrifices for their children?No they don’t.

I suggest you don’t comment further as you have no idea what the op has went through or the people posting their experience. You sound quite naive to be honest.

If all parents loved their children then we wouldn’t have some many cases in the press about parents abusing, raping and killing their own children.

I suspect comments like this come from parents of adult children who have went no contact due to their own behaviour and are projecting. OP please ignore this ignorant comment they have obviously have no idea or can’t even comprehend what you’ve went through, it adds no value.

There is no shame in cutting off a parent who quite frankly is a cunt. I wish more adult children would realise how happy they would be without toxic parents in their lives. Too many parents are selfish and think their child owes them loyalty just by being born. Too many self absorbent, lazy, impatient, unforgiving parents out there that can’t understand what useless parents they have been to their own children, they should be ashamed to even call themselves a parent.

Ugh on the glurge upthread from Miss “lets not argue about who killed who.”

What I came on to say is that you have received great advice from PP suggesting you really sit with the guest list as a choice. I second that.

You don’t have to know right away what choice to make. And neither choice is terminal. So take your time.

But one thing to consider is that the wedding is, or can be, a real turning point in your life. Either it can be the last time you ket your parents ruin things for you. Or the start of a glorious new era of independence and freedom from their quiet but smothering demands.

I suppose what I am saying is that even if you feel that you have to invite them. It can be the last time. So even if you end up letting them spoil the wedding you will get your freedom eventually when you are ready.

Honestly - and I mean this in the nicest way - parents are not perfect - we now seem to have this ‘thing’ where parents have to be all singing, all dancing, catering to emotional needs when they themselves were probably doing the best they could, given their upbringing and own trauma and circumstances. They were parented by a generation completely different to today! With no tik tok telling them how to do things! Give them a break - everyone has issues with their parents, lord knows I do and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t - but at the end of the day accept them for who they are. They were probably parroting how they were raised and things are different now.

Unless they are trying to deliberating hurt me or my kids - then I’d have them there at your wedding - If not it might shut a door that may never be opened.

God this happened to me, thankfully they left straight after the meal so I could relax for the last few hours. Before they lefy my DM pulled me aside on my wedding day and complained about where DM and DF were sitting ( I didn't have a top table because of them), the food, some of the guests. And the music that was playing. It really put a downer on my day. If I could do it again I wouldn't have invited them.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents. It transitioned from abusive in childhood to surface level cordial in adulthood. They were a part of my wedding but I knew they wouldn’t interfere or have any expectations. (Beyond a minor moan about location) I had around 100 people and loved it.

my dd doesn’t want her dad and his family at her wedding, she is planning on getting married abroad and hoping they won’t want/be able to afford to come .

Elopement is an option or low key registry office with just witnesses. Or doing it abroad if you don’t think they will come. Or yes hid them in the numbers.

Could you and dps family go abroad for a holiday and you do a ‘surprise’ wedding there,?
But tell your parents it was spur of the moment?

I appreciate your comment, however I was not allowed to be 'human and imperfect' as a child as that resulted in being shouted at. In fact, being myself and not a generic 'child' image they had in their heads induced annoyance and shouting. And I was a shy, studious, creative child who lived in fear of doing something to upset my parents as I wanted to make my one parent proud, and avoid shouting from the other.
I have raised issues with my parent in the past only to be met with them turning it into a pity party for themselves or shouting at me. They have got better at this as the years have gone on, but the familiarity of family needs a solid baseline of loving behaviour with normal ups and downs, in order to function, and that baseline simply did not have enough loving behaviour to counteract the normal ups and downs.
My parents would say they 'did their best' but how can you possibly say you did your best when you openly ignored the advice and co-parenting attempts from your child's other parent, who was firm but fair, who did research, who paid attention, who tried so hard to model exactly what you are saying here, that we are all human, including parents, and whats important is that we say sorry and learn from our mistakes.

Thank you for this comment, this was really helpful.

I cut my dad out of my life after I had my daughter.
id spent years trying to be a part of his life, along with my son. But it was always ‘I’m busy/ not this weekend’ and then it was ‘I’ll have your son’ but not see me. Then I stopped asking and he didn’t see him for 3 years. Once my daughter was born I decided I that was enough. He sent us gift cards so i sent him a message explaining how hurt I was that he didn’t want a relationship with me and that if he could just drop my son the way that he did I wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to do that to my daughter too.
he replied with “I won’t bother then”. I havent spoken to him in 5 years now.
but my god is it freeing to have cut him off and
not fighting for someone’s love.
I highly recommend it.

anyway, I got married last year and didn’t invite him. You don’t owe anyone a place in your life or your wedding.

I suppose one way to describe the current relationship is like this.
Imagine you have a baby with someone, and they for years dont lift a finger to do any parenting. You try to talk to them about it and are met with excuses and deflection. You grow resentful and just get used to doing it on your own. You stop enjoying them being around as all it does it remind you of how much stress they caused you. Then eventually, when the child is 8, they start to become more involved. They start to do all the things that they avoided for so long, and try to really make it up to you. But by then, you fell out of love with them long ago and you just dont need them, you've got used to doing it by yourself, and honestly you might be at peace with the fact you cant change the past, but you'll never look at them the same way - happy to co parent, but there isn't ever going to really be that emotional connection there, and honestly your life is easier with cordial interaction but ideally you wouldn't have to deal with them at all.

I have difficulties with my parents, but my husbands family are lovely and very supportive of him.

We had a smallish wedding (less than 50), we had a sweetheart table so just us 2, no top table with parents. I felt a bit bad towards his parents that they missed out but they seemed happy enough with their other children.

I didn’t give either of my parents any jobs to do or responsibilities, so they couldn't let me down. I also didn't tell them anything before the day, so my mom couldn't start criticising.

I spent most the day with my husband, you're so busy you can't spend much time with individual guests. Would they come up to you and complain about anything? And do you have a sibling or friend who understands that would intercede if they started?

I've had since from my mother that I spent a lot on food, and that my dress looked cheap. I think she couldn't handle that despite not meeting her expectations for her daughters looks (I'm pretty but a bit overweight lol), I was still happy and my husband is wonderful to me. I honestly felt beautiful on the day but it did make me question if everyone thought I looked crap.

I totally understand the reluctance to cut them off formally. You also just don't need the stress right before a wedding.

The problem is I want my other parent to come. I would prefer noone was there, but DP really wants his family there for very valid reasons that extend beyond 'because I love them'. Otherwise, we would elope. But if DPs parents are there, I want my other parent there.
This is also the problem - I wouldn't mind them being there so much if we were having an actual 'wedding' as they could fade into the crowd (although again, the thought of them being the proud parent and people congratulating them, them sitting front row etc, all feels very not-right to me) but neither of us want that, we want a small, close thing then a little party and thats it.
PP is right, ive got to be in or out really.

Im so sorry your mother said that to you! (Also lots of money on food sounds like a good wedding to me!) Im glad you got a bit of distance on the day though. As ive said just above, part of the problem is that we dont want a 'wedding' really, as that would feel a bit easier keeping them at arms length!

The food was so good, I was so happy to see people going back up and getting another full plate lol.

Hm yeah that is trickier, would the party be at home? Probably harder to get any distance then. Sorry if you've already said. For me just inviting them was the path of least resistance. My Dad is actually fine, I was just worried he'd not be there on the day.

Sorry you’re going through this OP - families can be complicated!
When you say that you only want one parent to attend your wedding; are your parents separated/divorced? If they are still together then how could that work…would the parent that you want to attend be happy/comfortable with that arrangement? Sorry if I’ve missed something glaringly obvious. All the best, whatever you decide.