Getting married when you have a shaky parental relationship

[Daisyvodka]

Wasn't sure what else to title this really.

I know that there are people out there in the same boat from previous threads, who have relationships with their parents that are on the surface 'fine' but cause us a great deal of stress for various reasons, death by 1000 cuts backstory etc, normally due to the parents emotional immaturity (Shout out to that Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents book)
So the kind of relationship where you see each other every so often, make pleasantries and parent goes away feeling like they've had a lovely time they can tell their friends about and you are glad its over for a bit. If anyone asked them, they would say the relationship was good. Its only good because you have wrestled it into a box you can handle.
(Sidenote: please dont come on this thread with comments about how you wish you could have one more day with your dead parent, we put enough guilt on ourselves and dont need it from others!)

So those of you who are in this position.... what did you do when you got married? Did you just suck it up and have them there? Did you leave them out and cause a fallout?

My scenario is that we want to get married, and invite DPs immediate (loving, close) family and partners, but i dont want one of my parents there for various reasons, but none of them feel 'legit' enough (not going to cause a scene, no big recent falling out etc) and they would be devastated not to be invited and not understand why (and it would be hard to explain why) but I just know if I did i would spend the whole time leading up to the wedding with a knot in my stomach. And it would probably be 'fine' but I'd be on edge all day.

Please tell me there's people out there who understand what I'm saying here.

I think posters who haven’t experienced this directly have no idea what this is like. Count yourselves lucky you don’t understand. Pls don’t undermine the poster because you haven’t experienced this yourselves, however well meaning

Ah, longtime seperated! Sorry, should have said that.
There's also a bit of a side issue where the parent i WOULD want to invite, has a partner i dont want anywhere near any of it. We have a cordial relationship at best, and they and my parent constantly bicker and bring out the worst in each other. This is however an easier one to handle.

Ah, I see. Sounds tricky. You may well have a case for eloping, and then have a party at some point afterwards where parents/partners can fade into the background if necessary (?) I suppose it depends how important the various individual relationships are to you in the longer term…

So what would happen if you invited the parent you do want, not their partner citing space and money reasons and drop contact with the parent you don't want in your life at all?

Best question!

fwiw I thought very long and hard for a couple of years about inviting my parents. In the end I thought "If I don't invite them, will I look back in 15 years' time and regret it?". The answer then was No. The answer ever since, whenever I think about it, is the same.

I regret enormously, more than I can ever say, that this is the way things are. I wish they weren't. But if I'm facing the actual situation, rather than what I want it to be, it was the right decision no question.

What you have described is called numbing out and a protection mechanism. It sounds like the parents are realising their mistakes and are trying to put it right. You are quite rightly protecting your emotional well-being. All I would add is that if they are making the effort, that is a good thing. At least they are trying, but it takes both sides to fix it. If you don't want to, then that's fine, but I would explore this a little more deeply. Is it massively over for you now and are you at peace with it? Its a huge decision and I wish you all the best.

Ahhh, hit a nerve I see. This is not about trauma as clearly stated. This is not about all parents, as clearly stated. My comment should not, or was not, intended to offend anyone with experience of such because it is not about them.

This is about being immature and self absorbed. I'm not judging OP either way, I don't know her. However she hadn't described trauma. Nothing like it.

And equally you don't know me or my circumstances but I can assure you that I am qualified to comment.

You didn’t touch a nerve, I have a great relationship with my parents, truly blessed but I can understand some people like op don’t. You commenting saying op is immature and self absorbed adds nothing to the discussion other than show that you clearly have no understanding on the topic, embarrassing really. Maybe ask yourself what the parents did instead of blaming it all on the adult children. I suspect a lot of parents are in denial about how they have treated their children over the years and are quite bitter they don’t want contact with them. Must be a sad lonely life for many I guess.

Parent i do want: they would be upset, but they would not fight me on it - they have always said if I ever get married i should only ever invite who I actually want there, and they are aware of my feelings on their partner/relationship. They would have a much better day without their partner there.

Parent i dont want: i suspect they would attempt to break NC every month for some time, and turn up at my home. I would feel relief and guilt.

Immature and self absorbed are basically the top two words I would use to describe my parent. Whereas I was described as emotionally mature for my age by multiple teachers throughout my school life, and it has been commented on in my working life too, and part of the work I have done in therapy is to get me to stop prioritising others emotional needs over my own, at my own detriment. So... there's that. Im far more concerned with how my actions impact my parent than my parent ever was with me growing up.
Interested if your thoughts have changed, given the above

Thank you for your kind comment. I wish desperately that I felt differently towards them, but I cannot find it in myself. And its hurting them, when I (very gently) reject their efforts. Physical affection has also become something I actively dread, and I just dont know how much longer this can continue, in some ways. They aren't overly physical affectionate either, just a hug goodbye and hello, but I dont want it. There isn't any history of abuse driving this, it just feel awkward to me, like hugging a coworker. But I know they've picked up on the fact I recoil and are upset. It feels like im being cruel to let them try, at this point. Its all just way too late.

Let me guess, irl you'd go all nc on me wouldn't you?

I never once said OP was immature or self absorbed. And thanks for clarifying that you have a great relationship with your parents and thus confirming that you have no personal experience on the matter. Like you said, embarrassing.

By getting all huffy and jumping to conclusions really adds weight to my argument that many many adults can't have a productive conversation these days. And those who are self absorbed will believe they are brilliant parents and then those children have children. Bingo, the self absorbed generational cycle, perhaps narcissistic, perhaps total lack of self awareness, or perhaps even just ego, continues. This, is the tragedy.

And for you I shall repeat, this comment is not applicable to real trauma.

You seem bitter, is this because your children cut ties with you?

@Daisyvodka I have the same relationship with my parents, except my dad also beat me back and blue and taught me all about how rubbish I am. My mum claims no recollection of this when I finally brought it up this year. She's very much woe is me, everything is about her - including forgetting my son's surgery this year. He almost died of post op complications...

I'm getting married this summer, and yes they are both invited. I sincerely hope they leave after the meal. My mum has told me in recent months about how she's not looking forward to it because she doesn't feel welcome, and a few other harsh character assessments of me (I'm cold because I won't get into an argument with her over the phone and so on). I still have too much guilt/duty to not invite them, and me and dp wanted a small celebration with our lovely friends instead of eloping. Most of our friends are well aware of my parents so I'm sure theyll be supportive of us if there's any bad behaviour.

It's really hard to be like this. I view my mum as an incredibly flawed and damaged human being. She is a kind woman, just incapable of reflection on herself or her actions. My dad has mellowed over the years, but the relationship is very sparse. We don't talk. And of course, they have no unsupervised access to my children, who barely know who they are.

Good luck @Daisyvodka whatever you decide.

Oh OP I'm so sorry this is so hard and just before what should be a happy occasion. Honestly, knowing me, I'd invite them. It will be such a bone of contention if you don't, and if you're confident there will be no scenes, no shouting or drama, then it sounds like its more the idea of them there, and what that represents, than the true reality that will be difficult for you - if thats the case, you dont have to buy into those feelings any more, you can decide how you interpret the situation. You can choose to see it as a fresh start, the last "big thing" before you're officially your own, new family unit and no longer have to hold them as close.
That's me though. My father was an angry man, shouting, hitting, I suspect the cause of my long term anxiety and people pleasing behaviour. As an adult now, I see him, I see how conflicted he was, how he was processing his own traumas, he has had anger management therapy and he tries. He helps me out a lot and he is kind to my children. I'm not sure forgiveness is the right word but we've all moved on and he is a valuable person in my life. I have a really good relationship now with my parents. So I suspect I'm in a different boat as it sounds like you've not seen a true change in behaviour from them. However, I would also say parents aren't perfect, or even that great, but they still love you. I appreciate it's not enough but it is something and it sounds like it's true in this case from what you've said.

Only you truly know what's going to cause you most grief, anxiety and issues. Perhaps just focus on yourself and do what you wantt, don't have someone there that causes you pain. Knowing angry people, I find it unlikely you'll be able to exclude 1 parent and have the other show up if they're still together. Could you cope with that? Do you have a therapist you could work it through with, and tease out each scenario slowly in your head till they both sit comfortably and you can make an informed choice?
Ultimately, it's your decision, you'll have an amazing day albeit these things are never perfect!

I have one shit parent and one good parent, they're divorced. I have a text/phone relationship with shit parent. He doesn't do anything bad to me - his shitness is just his absence. I feel a bit sorry for him and that's why I maintain some contact. But he has no power over me and I could sever contact without any feelings of guilt or regret.

I invited good parent to my wedding but not shit parent. If I had invited him he would have behaved very well and not done anything inappropriate, but I just am not close to him and I only had good friends and close family at my wedding. Despite the fact that I wouldn't have particularly 'minded' having him there, I still didn't invite him because he hasn't earned a place. He has never been good to me and never done what a parent should, so he isn't a parent. He's just a loosely connected man whom I pity.

Ditch bad parent OP. You don't owe your parents anything. They owe you, and when they fail to meet their job description time and time again, you can sack them.

Sorry I missed this post.

You could, if you wanted any kind of relationship, try honesty. Say you don't feel like the fit the role of parents following the years they were rubbish. You have tried but you can't make yourself see them in a parental role. Offer a reset on the relationship and set out how you want that to look (amount of contact via phone and in person, no hugs, no favours or whatever you feel would work for you). Be clear that's all you can manage now. Do they want a relationship with you on this basis?

It is very blunt and they might need time to think it over. But if in the long term it would lead to a relationship which you actually get some benefit from then you are doing everyone a favour, whether they can see it or not.

But only if you would actually want this obviously. If you don't want any relationship then the only way is to end it.

@abs12 completely agree with everything you have said here. And yes there are real problems for some but it seems some people go NC for the smallest of things that could be sorted with a chat.

it sounds a tricky choice OP.

do you have a friendship group that that you ask to corral the difficult parent or even invite someone especially to babysit them?

then it’s last chance saloon for them, they are invited but if they fuck it up then it’s then gone with a clear conscience

ignore the parents of NC children - lol we see them.

Noone I know is NC over one small thing, its normally over a lifetime of things and they've either tried to talk to their parent about it and have been told that they are the problem/there isnt a problem, or they haven't spoken to their parent because they know how they will react (make their child feel like shit)
Im not expecting my parent to be perfect, even though they expected a child to be. I've forgiven them a thousand things. But sometimes those things just add up to too much.

I’ve known quite a few who have gone nc over little things, regular day to day things - I did it!! And instead of trying to understand others points of view they only focus on themselves and how it impacts them, in my case me! Poor oh worries me! - There’s a certain age group that does this 20-25 ish year olds - then they show me the ‘advice’ they get off til tok 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ to justify why they have gone no contact. It’s a real issue - latest one was calling parents narcissistic because they took them out for lunch, went to all her shows and events ….. now im my book that’s being supportive but nope not now, that’s being narcissistic wanting control over their kids lives! Complete bullshit!

I know because I was pulled into it - and it convinced me for a while my mum was bad! She wasn’t, she was just doing the best she could - and trust me there was some pretty bad stuff that happened to me. I lost several years with her - but luckily reconnected.

So trully, my advice is to seek help and support - obviously your parents have triggered you - but they are also trying to resolve it. EFT counselling is great.

I have had these issues long before I knew NC was even an option, but thank you. I certainly dont see any social media relating to it, too much dog content for that! I have had some therapy but I may need to return.

Google Issendai and the “missing missing reasons” for an excellent series if early blog posts on estrangement of adult children. Very powerful and it will make you feel heard and seen.

Also: invite your bad parent for the wrong day.

I'd go for that option then

And if other parent turns up at your house - don't let them in!