In laws not wanted to spend time with us!!

[T2teasydney]

DH and I have been together for a very long time, married 25yrs, 2DC, now grown up but still living in family home when not at uni. DH is one of three children, middle child and only boy. We have a good relationship with my in laws (I think!) though have up and downs over the years! I don’t have any family in the UK and that has resulted in us having some time away living aboard. But have been back in the UK for over 10 years.

So trying not to drip feed and make this too long at the same time! DH’s sisters all have younger families, so totally understand that in laws with spend more time with them and have them as a priority. We all come to that understanding.

However, over that past few years a few things have happened that has been upsetting especially to my DCs and wondering whether we been over sensitive.

We only see MIL and FIL about three times a year, when we do see them, MIL is constantly on the phone to SIL’s especially at dinner time or when we are out at restaurants, they cancelled coming to DD’s birthday meal (special birthday) as SIL decided to come and stay that weekend, they had to leave early the last visit because SIL decided to come again, and when we ask them to come for Christmas we met with stoney faces and haven’t had Christmas now with them for years!

For context none of us live near each other so everyone is travelling up and down the country to spend anytime together and DD’s birthday meal was where she was a uni so not everyone was invited due to logistics.

We get on well with one SIL but not the other one as she been very hurtful to family members over the years and is quite a difficult character. When we are all together, both SIL run the family event, food, timing etc and despite me trying to get involved both rebuff my offers. Except DH normally pays for everything as we are the most financially secure and last family event we paid for all of the food for the whole weekend.

I spoke to MIL last year basically saying the we don’t feel at all part of the family. She was upset and said she doesn’t see it that way at all and said she will try and include us more but nothing has changed.

This post is already too long but there is more of a back story! We plan to ask them for Christmas one last time but I am thinking it is time to step back. Would be interested to know if anyone had any advice on how to handle it!

I think it’s difficult to give any advice because you are not doing anything wrong and there is probably little you can do to change the dynamic. But I agree with you that it’s sad that your ILs aren’t prioritising events like your DC’s special birthday and haven’t shifted their behaviour since you explicitly asked to be included more. You’re not the only one though. We see very little of our ILs. It can be painful when you see other families with v involved GPs. It’s unfair that some families have that support while others don’t.

Honestly, even with your slant on this, I feel a little bit sorry for your in-laws… it sounds like there’s a lot of pressure on them, trying to balance seeing all of their children who all live up and down the country, having three children that don’t get on with each other, a difficult demanding daughter, a DIL telling them “we don’t feel part of the family” yet you did not invite some family to your DD special birthday meal. You can’t have it all ways.

I would not ask them for Christmas. Accept the relationships for what they are. Drop the rope.

We moved 160miles to be nearer iLs, following death of MiL. After the novelty of coming to visit us for 'events such as Easter Egg hunts and Boxing day grub and games, visits tailed off. B and SiL visit twice a year to hand deliver birthday cards (this year only 1, the other was posted). 1st N visits approx every 2 months,2nd N we never see. In fact she told us that she forgets we're here. When the children were younger I would search for interesting/fun gifts and wrap imaginatively. Unwrapping was always great fun. Last year N gave us a small basket filled with random items from the kitchen - none of them wrapped. Nothing from BandSiL despite the fact that she makes craft items for friends. All in all I wish we'd stayed where we were. We are very disappointed the way things have turned out but it's very obvious we don't figure in any of their lives.

Thanks vincettenoir, starting to realise there very little we can do. I have ask if we done something wrong but they said no!

HenDoNot when I spoke to my MIL I did say to her that I knew she was in a difficult position. It why is DH doesn’t say anything. And I do feel sorry for her and she knows that. We actually get on very well. Missing the birthday was the last straw for me, it been 10yrs of being put last and my DD was so upset as they already accepted the invitation. We didn’t invite SILs as it would involve everyone staying in hotels and financially it would have been a strain on everyone. Plus DD wanted a meal with us and her grandparents. In the past I have invited everyone and been have told no so am we were abit put off by that.

Stop inviting them and stop paying for everyone’s meals.

Iloveanicegarden so sorry to hear about your situation. It so upsetting especially when you moved to be nearer and put in the effort!!

some good points already made.

It might be worth having another discussion - specifically telling your MIL and FIL that their son and GC actively feel left out and less valued by them - given they see them so rarely it is very poor that they left/cba to pay attention to them/
I think it should come from your DH rather than you though - it's his family and you've already tried once. You want it to be clear this isn't a DIL interfering but something you all feel and that actively hurts them.

I probably wouldn't invite them to Christmas or at least not Christmas Day - you've tried once, they clearly didn't want to, and it makes sense they'd want to spend that with the families with young DC. Absolutely invite them to do something over the Christmas period but your DC will presumably be off for several weeks from uni, much longer than their cousins will from school - rather than trying to compete with young kids for attention maybe organise something to highlight the pleasure of the different relationship they can develop with their older grandchildren as young adults - activities, shared interests, conversations etc they can't do with the children. Even if it's a trip to a city in-between where you and they live rather than one of you travelling all the way. Maybe invite them to come and visit their GC at their uni at some point over the course of the year as well.

I would stop paying for the food as well - not to be petty but I can see how it could create an awkward dynamic, plus it just seems unfair that you don't get a say in what you eat even for yourself but then fork out for everyone!

Is the SIL deliberately putting a spike in your arrangements.

As others said, drop the rope. There’s only so much you can do. Also I would suggest stop paying for everything when together with the ILs!

We didn’t invite SILs as it would involve everyone staying in hotels and financially it would have been a strain on everyone.
But that’s their decision to make. You unilaterally decided they couldn’t afford it, so didn’t invite them.

Anyway, like I said, just drop the rope, accept things for how they are, it’s really quite freeing.

I say this as someone who has just happily let FIL spend Father’s Day completely alone. He is not anywhere on our list of priorities just like he’s proved to us time and time again with his choices and actions that we are not on his either.

Yes SIL definitely likes to put a spike in arrangements, she has form and does it at every family event! Everybody in the family talks about it but it just something we all accept now!
Have told DH to stop paying for everything for years! Last year FIL asked us to so we did but we agreed it the last time!

It's only natural that women will be closer to their daughters and their children than their sons. Even more so when there is a great distance.

IMO you've been together 25 years. don't lose sleep over this. Take a step back but be kind. no need for big fallings out and not speaking.

What does your DH think of it all?

DH likes to keep the peace!! He does joke about it with them sometimes, but I think he feels it won’t do much good saying anything. He doesn’t get on with SIL and is basically NC with her. I keep in contact for the sake of my nieces and nephew and for my MIL as she likes everyone to get along.

You should still invite people to family events, even if they can’t make it.
Sounds like your SILs need to grow up and cut the apron strings 🙄

Ok so the confusion with the meal! I don’t want to give too much info incase SIL is on here! DH and FIL made the decision not to invite them as it would involve hotels etc. The last family event, FIL paid the accommodation and we paid the food because of travel cost etc they wouldn’t be able to afford the hotel. One of the children is SEN and can’t do restaurants. DD wanted a meal with us, her boyfriend, and grandparents. We arrange all family events around SEN child which we should and we are happy too. But DD wanted a small meal for her birthday, it the only time we done this and always invite them to everything, which one SIL never accepts. For context FIL organised SIL birthday and didn’t invite us or her sister to her birthday party as he didn’t want everyone to travel. So seems normal for DH family! 💁‍♀️

Not sure how to advise on this. Hubs is one of four, 3 married, 2 with 2 and us with 1. (5 DGC in all). 3 of us are close (2 dsil & hubs & me) but dbil and his wife - nothing. We all invite them & 2 DN to every event & get together but they never show up. Ever.

We know why (a misunderstanding years ago) that was apologised for, but although they speak to Dh & I, they won’t mix with anyone else. DSil refuses to see either PiL and they have rarely seen their 2 DGS in the past 11 years.

You can carry on inviting them to everything, but unfortunately you can’t make them attend. So the decision really is how much you want to maintain things? (FWIW we continue inviting DBIl and DSIL as we don’t want to close the door) but only you know how much upset it’s causing your DH & DC.

Good luck with this, there’s nothing as awful as family dynamics for causing pain.

It's also OK just to invite grandparents to a birthday meal for their granddaughter and not ask the entire family!

You say SiLs run everything and you try and get involved- it’s your husband that should be trying to get involved. It seems as though he’s outsourced family life to women. But his sisters are doing a family event. I wouldn’t particularly want to hang out with my SiL, I’d rather hang out with my brother. Or at least, if I have to hang out with them for a family event, catching up with my brother makes it worthwhile.

Op, it may sound harsh but the way I see it when your in-laws will get older and will be in need of care and financial support, it will fall on you to provide it. You think your SILs will have the time? I doubt it.I would be happy I have my children and give them all the attention in the world. Your in laws will realise at some point what poor decisions they took in the past.
As I said, you have your family unit with your children, don’t try and force more on the other family members. It’s their loss.
And you paying for everyone to only be a simple spectator at someone else’s show not a good idea.

It's a really common issue - all the grandparents time and energy goes to their daughters families and not their sons.

They won't come for Christmas.

Without knowing if they prioritised your family when your children were young it's impossible to give advice

Their daughters and their children will always take priority. IME.

It sounds as if you like your iLs so perhaps you need to look at it from their perspective. They're not getting any younger, they're trying to help with 2 sets of young gc in different parts of the country and they see your family as being grown, settled and financially stable. Two of my dd are married with dc and they have both needed my help this month. They both live some distance from me and I also have to work part-time. I love helping them but I have 2 other dc, still at home who need me.

No they didn’t as we didn’t live in the UK until DC started secondary school and by then SIL’s had children. So to be fair to them, they didn’t get the chance to. They did visit us, and they did make a fuss when we came over but now we live here we see less of them then we did when we lived across the world! Completely understand the daughters tend to take priority but PIL know that I live here for DH’s job and have given up being near my family so I stupidly thought there would be some understanding. We chatted about this last year but I think MIL is overwhelmed with SILs
i have distanced myself in the past or drop the rope as other have suggested but ended up been made to feel the bad one! But you guys are right and need to do that again and not worry about it!

Invite one more time and if it'd the same have it out with MIL including your daughters birthday dinner then step back from them. You know nothing is going to change so don't bother inviting them to anything again.

All the other events, tell MIL, SIL etc that they can all take turns in paying. Why should u pay it all but have no say. They are taking the p!ss out of u.