In laws not wanted to spend time with us!!

[T2teasydney]

DH and I have been together for a very long time, married 25yrs, 2DC, now grown up but still living in family home when not at uni. DH is one of three children, middle child and only boy. We have a good relationship with my in laws (I think!) though have up and downs over the years! I don’t have any family in the UK and that has resulted in us having some time away living aboard. But have been back in the UK for over 10 years.

So trying not to drip feed and make this too long at the same time! DH’s sisters all have younger families, so totally understand that in laws with spend more time with them and have them as a priority. We all come to that understanding.

However, over that past few years a few things have happened that has been upsetting especially to my DCs and wondering whether we been over sensitive.

We only see MIL and FIL about three times a year, when we do see them, MIL is constantly on the phone to SIL’s especially at dinner time or when we are out at restaurants, they cancelled coming to DD’s birthday meal (special birthday) as SIL decided to come and stay that weekend, they had to leave early the last visit because SIL decided to come again, and when we ask them to come for Christmas we met with stoney faces and haven’t had Christmas now with them for years!

For context none of us live near each other so everyone is travelling up and down the country to spend anytime together and DD’s birthday meal was where she was a uni so not everyone was invited due to logistics.

We get on well with one SIL but not the other one as she been very hurtful to family members over the years and is quite a difficult character. When we are all together, both SIL run the family event, food, timing etc and despite me trying to get involved both rebuff my offers. Except DH normally pays for everything as we are the most financially secure and last family event we paid for all of the food for the whole weekend.

I spoke to MIL last year basically saying the we don’t feel at all part of the family. She was upset and said she doesn’t see it that way at all and said she will try and include us more but nothing has changed.

This post is already too long but there is more of a back story! We plan to ask them for Christmas one last time but I am thinking it is time to step back. Would be interested to know if anyone had any advice on how to handle it!

Manthide you are completely right and this was part of our discussion last year, so do have some understanding of their point of view.

I promised DC we will invite them one last time as they really want to have one Christmas with them before they move out with boyfriends and travel etc! Have told DH no more paying for anything! This has been an issue going on 20 years! He finds paying is his contribution as one SIL is a nightmare to organise things with, and they end up falling out. So he steps back to keep the peace!

I love the posts on mumsnet about in-laws. Half are sick of the sight of them and the other half think they do not see them enough!

What is the answer to this? - I don't know! But they sure can't win!

There really isn't anything you can do when family just aren't interested in doing it. We have similar issues with in-laws but particularly fil and his wife.

We haven't seen or spoke to them in nearly two years. We try but he never answers the phone and takes a good week to reply to a text. We invite them still to everything because at the end of the day, it's still his son and grandchildren but we always know he won't show. We also never say to the kids he's coming or has been invited as we don't want them to get their hopes up.

We thought for a while maybe we'd done something wrong, but SIL said she has the same issue.

I just don't think they're interested.

I think for you, I would 100% put the foot down about not paying. They are essential using you as an event fund.

Keep inviting but have plan as though they won't come, have a small plan b in the background.

I think sometimes family forget those relationships are the same as any other in that communication, care and respect needs to go both ways and it sounds like a fewnof your family dont reciprocate any.

drop the rope

The new passive aggressive trend on mumsnet to join the list of other popular passive aggressive comments such as 'how old are you' 'do you even like each other' 'why are you crying' and my personal favourite 'sounds like adhd' 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So your husbands need to pay is the most important thing, ahead of his own family?

He has made little of himself and you all by insisting on this.
It should have stopped years ago but all he cared about was his people pleasing ego.

You have a husband problem.

You have pursued this relationship for years instead of focusing on other relationships.

This has now led your children to feel othered and unimportant.

Far better to have matched the effort of his family and not rubbed their disinterest in your childrens faces.

Stop paying anything anymore.
Go instead of a nice holiday for Christmas would be my advice.

Your children are never going to get anything from them that they need.
Stop flogging a dead horse.
Move on.
Good luck.

There’s nothing passive aggressive about ’drop the rope’.
You may not have been in the situation because of your personality type. Some people don’t realise that they are contributing to a situation by engaging with it. They are trying so hard to solve something, and in doing so are maintaining the dynamic that isn’t working.

For people like that, it feels like giving up- is a big deal because it feels as though the situation is their fault for not trying hard enough. ‘Drop the rope’ makes the dynamic a bit clearer.

You mentioned travel is involved ? Could it simply be the distance ?

It’s hard to include people that live half the country away. My MIL and FIL live 5 minutes away and they are around quite often.

Maybe consider in the long run of moving closer would change things.

it definitely a factor. But DH’s job requires him to be in the city we are in or aboard so it wouldn’t be possible and they live four hours away in rural village. Neither SIL live close by either which also doesn’t help and puts a lot of pressure on them. SIL is about to spend her third week with them this year and they live over 8 hours away, so they do have a lot of pressure on them. I actually think it more of a SIL problem,when DC were little and they didn’t have kids, they would count up the amount of days we spend with them and then demand they spend the same amount of time! PIL joked about it which is how we know. I was abit shocked really! I have a feeling they are still doing it with it other. I do feel sorry for MIL, but only said something as it getting to the point now DC are getting hurt, but think you guys are right and need to step away so they don’t keep getting hurt!

Thanks latetothefisting good advice and have already tried a couple of those things re getting them to visit uni and meeting up, sometimes is successful and other times not. Good to know I was heading in the right direction!

’A daughter is a daughter all her life…a son is a son until he meets a wife’

I'm quite puzzled about you being so supportive of and defensive about your MIL, @T2teasydney .Why do you think she's so great? She made plans with your family and binned you off for SIL. So unbelievably rude, yet you feel sorry for her?? I think you need to be a bit more real with your children. There isn't going to be one last family Christmas with the grandparents as even if they agree to come, they will cancel at the last minute when SIL involves herself. You've done more that enough. You and your H both sound like people-pleasers. It's time to stop. You don't need to flounce. Just stop facilitating this nonsense.

Then your attitude is a bit baffling. He’s the blood relative of these people, and he’s not bothered about the family dynamic in general, and is NC with one sister, so why are you over-riding his desire for a hands-off ‘keeping the peace’ position?

I agree.

Your MIL upset your DD with her rudeness and you feel sorry for her.

I think you have let your children down and they are feeling it.

I wouldn't dream of allowing any of my children think such rudeness towards them was acceptable.

Both your husband and yourself have let your children down.

Not normal for them to be young adults living hours away and yet to feel so othered.

You should have protected them far more.

Actually is not that black and white. I feel sorry for her because after we talk she said she had a lot of pressure on her from SIL and FIL to cancel and she deeply regretted not being there. So I have some compassion, as her relationship with SIL is very complex and basically not heathy! But both DH and I did stand up for DD and for over 6 months we had a very strained relationship until we finally cleared the air. FIL also apologised directly to DD and they made it up to her this year on our request. My concerns is the situation then repeated itself on another visit just recently, slightly different as they came but did leave early, and despite us addressing it seems the problem is not resolved.
DD knows I have her back completely. If I had my way we wouldn’t bother but DC want to have some family here, they are very close to mine and miss them a lot.
When I say in contacted with SIL, I mean I send her DC presents and cards only. Nothing else, and polite when at a rare family event.
But yes I agree this is a major argument I have with DH, I think we need to take a harder stand, and protect DC, but DH says PIL are getting old and DC should be busy with their own lives and not worry too much!!
Anyway you all pretty much told me the same as my real friends and at least I know I on the right path by taking a harder approach!! Thanks!

I also haven’t forgiven them for what they did and still shock at how rude it was!! I also regret not making more of a fuss at the time but if you ask FIL he wouldn’t agree with that!!

Really, I think you have to accept that you are second best in your ILs lives. Just don’t bother so much about it and tell your husband not to pay.

We live in same town as DH's parents and his sister, but although we do see them fairly often, nowhere near as much as they see their DD and family. We're fine with this, but if we ask for help with childcare its like it's a real hassle for them or they make excuses. Whereas they constantly babysit for them, even though DD is a SAHM. DH's parents also spoil their DD's kids rotten, all the time, yet ours get diddly squat apart from special occasions or the odd time, where we are completely taken aback! We arent materialistic and have taught our kids to appreciate what they have, but they are getting to an age where they are starting to notice, and get quite upset. My parents live in a different county but end up taking the brunt of childcare duties when they have enough notice. It sucks. This contrast directly reflects our kids relationships with their grandparents; they love my parents to bits but tolerate DH's parents.

If you've lived abroad for a long time, it's probably the case that MIL just isn't as close to your kids as she is to her other grandkids.
When it comes to Christmas invites, it makes sense for inlaws to go to houses where the kids are still children. I'm hoping she's not trying to offend.

I was going to add, I had a very similar situation with my grandparents growing up - my dad was their son but they spent all their time, money and effort on their daughters and their children (my cousins), seeing us only a few times a year - they didn't even have the excuse of living miles away, it was just over a half hour drive, bear in mind they'd retired at 49 and regularly drove all over the country so not infirm either - for whatever reason they just weren't interested in us. When my grandma died and my cousin gave a speech at the funeral it honestly felt as though he was describing a completely different person we'd never met.

While it's a bit rubbish, I can honestly say that I never blamed my parents, either as a child or now looking back, they tried to facilitate a relationship but the GP just weren't bothered. While a bit disappointing it hasn't affected mine or my siblings lives in any huge way, so please don't feel guilty or anything, your DC will understand it's nothing wrong with them, just that you can't force a relationship!

I'm NC with my MIL because she is exactly like this. My children are much younger but it was really upsetting them being cancelled on in favour of SIL's children all the time. There are many times in DH's life where he needed the support of his mum but was given the cold shoulder.

It's really odd that people think the children of daughters should recieve better treatment than the daughters of sons. I bet those who say oh well, of course daughters are closer, will soon complain when they are the ones taking on all the care responsiblities for thier elderly parents and their brothers and SILs don't want to know.

Tell DH not to pay again
Don't make an effort anymore. You have tried your best. You cannot force a relationship. See more of other family or friends who are delighted to see you and don't cancel last minute

Families can be a pain, I've had it with mine. Both sets of parents deceased but we went thru the mill for years. Dirty tricks. Me going back for more out of loyalty. So glad its all over. My mother caused such a mess in the last few years of her life, determined to give us all a head ache when she had gone. Solicitor remarked that she kept changing goal posts to make sufferance!
I ended up with ptsd for over a year after she passed. Took that long to get my head straight after being mashed by her games.

If I had to live that lot again, id be the 1st one on the space station, and refused to come down till they went!
My father was the one who lost out, he was my light.

My advice is, you have done well, you have done more than your share to make things work. They don't work, so Be Still. Find your Peace and Love those that Love you. Go when youre invited and let them plot and plan. Just be the happy couple who are happy to fit in.... or not!

At the end of the day, when the parents have gone you will have exactly what you have right now....
Each other, and your children.
It will be enough then,
Let it be enough now, and put away the rubbish 'family issues' that will drive you to distraction if you let it!

I could write a book as long as war and peace, and thinking of all that crap just pushes me back into anxiety. They did a real job on me over the years. I shut family out and im happier today than I ever was all those 53 years of trying to make things good.

Its not selfish to look after those who love you, but it is damaging to your family unit to allow the skulduggery of extended members to foul the happiness that you built around you and yours.

When I close my eyes for the final time, I promise you, my last thought wont be
"I wish id let my family mess with my head for another month"

The absolute opposite!

On the surface, this sounds petty and mean but obviously I don't know the full circumstances.

Did you feel guilty though? I think I would.

My favourite "did you mean to be so rude"

Not seen so much nowadays.