Am I wrong to be bothered by this?

[YouSaidSomething]

Feel a bit pissed off but not sure if I’m BU. I know this isn’t AIBU but I’m feeling too sensitive to post this there!

For background, DP and I have 9 year old twins and DP has a 16 year old son who lives with us half the time.

I’m on the mortgage and the deeds of our house but DP pays all the mortgage and the bills because he earns £150k and I work full time but earn minimum wage. (I have a chronic physical health condition that really limits the sort of jobs I can do before anyone jumps on me about not working more. I used to have a big corporate job but I had to give it up and miss it every day.)

The money I earn generally goes towards running my 12 year old car and treats and extras for the kids. I also paid for a big holiday for us all on a credit card a couple of years ago and use my money to pay off the 0% balance each month over a five year period. Which I now realise sounds absolutely mad written down, given the topic of this post.

DP has never complained about covering all the mortgage and the bills. He’s happy for my money to be the ‘treat money’. But whenever we’ve needed to do very necessary work to our house he’s really dragged his feet and it’s been an absolute battle to get him to agree - for example - to do a loft conversion, so that our twins no longer need to share a room (they’re boy/girl) and DSS can still have his own room. It was literally about two years of arguments and me making the case for doing the renovations before he finally agreed. It was exhausting. Then of course once it’s finished, history gets rewritten and he acts as if it was never a big deal.

Likewise with holidays. He pisses and moans about the cost when I suggest going anywhere - hence why our last holiday is on my credit card. I booked it out of desperation because we hadn’t had a holiday in five years before that and I just thought fuck it, I’ll just pay for it. Obviously he was happy to come along and had a lovely time.

So that’s the context. Now to the point: I recently found out he’s spent £3,000 on a high end piece of sporting equipment for himself.

At first my attitude was fair enough, he can afford it, he pays all the bills, why shouldn’t he spend that on himself if it makes him happy?

But after thinking about it, I’m remembering how he said we couldn’t go abroad this summer because of what was spent on the loft conversion and numerous other times when the house or garden has needed something doing to it and he’s said we can’t afford it.

It’s like, if it’s spending money for the benefit of all of us, he doesn’t want to do it. But has no problem spending thousands just on himself, for something only he will ever use.

I can’t imagine I will ever be in a position where I can spend £3000 on myself. My car isn’t even worth that much. And even if I had that much spare cash - I would spend it on improving the house or garden, or on a nice holiday for us all.

I realise this sounds like a bit of a ‘diamond shoes are too tight’ situation, but it’s not about the amount of money per se, it’s more about the low-level meanness and sense that it’s only worth spending money if it benefits him - then money is no object. But he’s happy for the rest of us to go without the things that would make life a bit better if it means saving a few quid. For example, our front porch is rotten and starting to fall apart but he refuses to get it sorted because it will cost too much.

In the bigger picture, I hate that I don’t feel I have any say in our finances - which have always been separate. He has complete veto over any significant purchase. Although we own our house together, we are tenants in common, not joint tenants, so it’s not like he’s feathering my nest as well as his own by paying all the mortgage. He’s just bumping up his own equity.

I honestly can’t tell if I have a right to be pissed off about this £3k shiny toy or not. Am I a mug?

Difficult one. Mixed views and so many things stick out on this.

He is a high earner and pays all the bills and mortgage. Begrudging him a 3k toy seems bizarre.

you're not married. you are in a very vulnerable position if he decides to end things. I think that should be something you need to focus on.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner earned 150k and was happy for me to drive round in an old, unreliable car.

But you earn 24k and don't pay any bills or mortgage. I relate. I am in exactly the same position. So I don't believe the poverty card. Very few people are in a position to spend all their disposable income on luxuries. say it as it is. To say you can't imagine spending 3k on yourself is disingenuous. Your whole salary is for you -and your DC of course, but realistically how much do they cost?

The only difference is I am married so feel secure in my financial position. I pay some life assurance and a few bits and pieces. But the rest of my salary goes in holidays. Which tbf my DH isn't too keen on. Apart from a couple of family hols a year I go away for weekend breaks with friends, DC alone or me just alone. If your DP doesn't want to go then go alone. no big deal.

Suits us both. DH enjoys his time at home alone too.

"This is not great. I think you need to sit down and speak to him. Tell him how you feel."

It seems like he has gone tenants in common for a reason. This is often suggested by posters when women want to protect their kids inheritance, and he has a child from a previous relationship.

I'm not surprised he is not keen on writing blank cheques for things that op wants to do but only the partner is paying for.

Usually when unmarried people say things should be paid in proportion to income not one person pays all mortgages bills and very expensive home improvements where the other partner keeps their entire earnings for their own car takeaways etc.

If all bills are his responsibility there is a lot of pressure as op's income is limited by health issues. Is he worried about his work/ job so trying to build up a safety margin?

If the higher earner here was a woman everyone would be saying don't marry this person etc.

The ultimate alternative here is break up and see how much child support you are entitled to. Would you be better off in this scenario?

What is your TIC share split in your house.

Do you want to marry?

Will he marry you?

so you're not happy with being unmarried.

What would he do/say if you said you would leave him unless he married you.

That's what I did. My then DP asked me to sell my house and move in with him. I said no unless he married me.

It's not blackmail - it's stating your boundaries and your worth. Of course he would have had me live with him and not married me if I had just said yes. But no way was I selling my house and moving into a house with someone without the security of marriage.

Look, I'm older 50s,I know there are many single mothers who have chosen to go it alone without loser men and bloody good luck to them. And of course marriages break down and I get that too.

But I do not understand women who WANT to be married and have children with men thinking that once they are born the men(especially wealthy ones with more to lose financially) will suddenly want to get married. Why would they? you're living with him and had children with him without marriage. Why would he marry you now. I wish young women would know their worth and stand up for themselves

You are SO financially vulnerable, OP. Get married and quick. Otherwise if he fucks off you’ve done all thr traditional child rearing and care giving (I bet for the stepchild as well) and he will get the whole house.

He has always refused to get married. He does not and has never wanted to share.

This was from my post - I was commenting on the whole situation overall especially the fact she’s had two of his kids and yet he has refused to marry. Which is something Op is understandably not happy about:

Am I happy about it? No, not really. But he’s always refused to marry me so…
I did that classic stupid thing of thinking we’d get married after the kids came along. I realise how naive that was and if I had that time again I would never get pregnant without a ring on my finger

If the higher earner here was a woman everyone would be saying don't marry this person etc.

Nah, I don’t feel everyone on MN advises women to have kids with their partner and not marry just because she is the higher earner. Especially if the lower earning man- as in the case of Op - is doing most of the childcare/domestic duties which includes looking after a woman’s kid from a previous relationship.

You need to compare like for like. The circumstances are usually different when women are being advised not to marry a man.

Why aren't you married?

Any purchase that big should be discussed between you. It's fair enough for him to buy that, but only if it's not taking money away from a holiday that your kids will probably be looking forward to and expecting.

The thing about the loft..it is a lot of money, stress, disruption. So I can see why he didn't just immediately get fully on board. There is a lot to think about.

And I know myself that something like that would cause so much emotions. Even if I was a multimillionaire I'd still have to be convinced. But I am very ADHD and have severe anxiety. He did get it done eventually which is the main thing.

I hope you can discuss it and get a sensible resolution.

I agree and hopefully he will , but reality is she can’t force him. It’s clear he has thought this out and is very calculated. He does not want to marry her and from what OP has said I can’t see him budging on this.

Nothing you have said is unreasonable. The OP is spending her wages on family stuff not herself so not sure why everyone thinks she’s being unreasonable.
Plenty of women on MN barely lift a finger; they’re SAHMs with school age kids and cleaners etc and no one says a word.

This man sounds very resentful and mean minded. Sounds like he preferred it when you were a high earner yourself OP and he doesn’t want to shell out for anything that might benefit anyone but himself. He’s basically looking after himself. Not sure what you can do given that you’re not married.

What does he say when you tell him he’s a tight, mean-minded bastard?

I think you should just be grateful he is paying for what he is paying for and keep quiet to be honest, or get back on the corporate ladder and go 50/50 you can't have everything, and let me tell you him telling you he is OK with you buying the treats, that's just to make you feel like youre contributing with a pat on the head to make YOU feel better.

Don't rock the boat

More women need to be savvy like that because unfortunately so many are having the wool pulled over their eyes and it’s sad to see.

There’s another thread in here currently about a 36 year old woman whose high earning 41 year old partner says he will marry her “as a compromise” but only after she has kids. He’s clearly stringing her along.

We are all trying to tell the OP that the marriage will never happen, even if she has kids. If that’s what she wants its up to her but she should go into it knowing there’s a fairly slim chance of them getting married post-kids.

Modern misogyny is what I call it, they insist upon traditional benefits from the women but go all “modern” when it comes to providing the security and commitment of marriage.

How much is the mortgage and bills every month? It’s possible he doesn’t have a lot left at the end of the month after all that. Who gets the food shop every week?

Agree.

Going back to the 50s (which no one really wants to do of course!) men married as it was usually the only way they would be able to have regular sex.

Women got the security of marriage.

Nowadays, men don't need to marry as women will have sex and have kids with them anyway.

Which is absolutely fine for women with financial independence and who choose not to marry and are happy not doing. That is their choice. And thankfully we are many years later where women CAN be financially independent.

But for women who are NOT financially independent. Well you are worse off now. Nothing has really changed. See your worth. Why on earth would you have a child with a man who does not see you worthy of marriage.

Of course, many will say oh it's just a piece of paper, it means nothing etc. but that's not relevant. If it means something to YOU and YOU want to get married then if your man does not get that or respect you enough to marry you then don't be stupid enough to have children with him.

I might go against the grain here but I would not have a problem with that. He works full time and pays the bills. Surely he can treat himself?

Absolutely.

Going back to the 50s (which no one really wants to do of course!) men married as it was usually the only way they would be able to have regular sex.

And never mind marriage - men don’t even need to be in a relationship nowadays for sex and they’ll happily have sex with a woman who does want to be in a relationship, with only the mere promise of one day making her their girlfriend . They could actually try find a woman who wants casual sex, but they want all the other benefits of long term relationships so prefer to future fake with a woman looking for commitment.

When I was younger a guy I was dating once said he “wasn’t ready to ask” me to be his girlfriend and was shocked when I said, I was therefore not ready to have sex with him and ended things with him.

I can see both sides.

He might feel it's not his fault you only earn minimum wage, and that he wants to treat himself to nice things sometimes since he earns well.

He might have some unspoken resentment about how he bank rolls the family.

Im really sorry to hear about your illness OP, that must be really difficult.
Couple things I'm wondering here -What's the timeline of buying the house and your illness happening, how long ago did all that happen?
And how much is the mortgage and bills? He is a really high earner but supporting 3 kids, a partner and doing a house up is pricey stuff.
However setting that aside, there's clearly some real communication issues, have you considered therapy at all? I dont think he is wrong to treat himself at all, sorry, he is putting a lot into the joint pot here and unless I've missed it (i can see there is a pattern of him going on about minor things) him buying stuff for himself loads doesn't seem to be a pattern? especially as he must be putting way more towards 'joint' stuff than you I see his side here, although the communication issues are big (and him 'refusing' to marry you - sounds like there's a backstory there?)
I honestly feel like a good therapist and a neutral ground could really help here. Have you ever talked about what would happen if you split re: house and kids?

Asking again
how much does he have left over after paying all the bills?

we don’t know enough yet to form a judgment but those posters calling him tight are pretty far off the mark. He pays for everything.

This. By OPs own admission he seems generally tight with money. If he was off on his own holidays or buying expensive play things for himself every month OP might have a point. But sounds like this purchase was a one off.
I suspect the real issue for OP is this has brought home the income disparity and the vulnerability of her position.

@Iceboy80 that is such a depressing take. Keep quiet, lie back, and be grateful you’re doing all the grunt work whilst he amasses a fortune. She can’t go back to a corporate career because of a chronic health condition.

Personaoly, I’d be insisting on joint sharing of assets with legal backing (and notwithstanding anything brought into the relationship by either of you). Don’t forget you have raised two children for 5 years full time (??) thr material value if you would have had a nanny instead would have been around £45k gross per year, plus housekeeping costs. It’s not nothing. It’s not fair he feels ok to spend £3k on himself whilst you spend your disposable income on the kids plus hair once every 3 months and nails occasionally.

Agree with the poster who said he doesn't regard you as having equal say in finances as you're not married. Not saying its right as it isn't it's shit but that's how some people are.
Why is only up to him whether you get married? Tell him you'd feel more emotionally secure if you were married etc. Also that you'd feel more secure financially as you're fearful that you'd be left homeless etc if you were to split up.Generally sounds like you have a good deal there apart from him controlling the purse strings and him not discussing/treating you as having an equal say. It's like what he says goes.

He is a really mean man who has a cheap skivvy in you.
Stop paying for big holidays.
This man likes that you are poor, because you are.

Your children do not need holidays that put you in debt.

You need to wake up to your reality.
He has a free skivvy in you while he saves and builds equity.

Nothing good about him at all.

Can anyone explain how the man is selfish, mean, and leaving OP poor? Genuinely don't get it.

She has her salary to spend or save however she fancies, her boyfriend houses her and pays all the bills.

She could build up her own assets while not paying mortgage or bills, even on part time earnings. If the relationship isn't working for her she could dump him.