I’m feeling quite isolated and stressed about planning my wedding. My fiancé and I are both introverts who don’t like being the centre of attention so we knew we wanted something small. We chose a lovely registry office and are planning to have a meal in a restaurant after the ceremony with close family only. But the drama started almost immediately.
First, my family. I currently live with them and it’s been nice to spend time with my parents and help them out. My adult disabled brother lives here too, he is autistic and my mum is his carer. When I told my family about the engagement, they didn’t even seem happy. There was a weird vibe and that’s continued every time I bring up the wedding. Nobody congratulated us or showed any excitement and I was sad about it. I didn’t expect them to throw a party but some positive reaction would have been nice.
My brother has always had severe behavioural issues because of his autism. He hates change and it’s difficult to go out anywhere in public with him, as the smallest thing can trigger a meltdown. At first, I really wanted him to attend the wedding and the meal. I took him out to restaurants in our local area to get him used to eating outside but it ended in disaster every time.
For example, I asked one restaurant for a private room as my brother is sensitive to noise. They seated us in a room away from the main area, but because my brother had seen a family with teenagers when walking in, it immediately affected his mood. Teenagers are one of his triggers as he finds them too loud. We should have left then but my parents insisted on ordering. It ended up with my brother shouting at the waiter, self harming with the cutlery, throwing himself on the floor etc and we had to go home early anyway. It was really distressing and I didn’t want to be there.
I explained to my parents that he probably won’t cope with the wedding ceremony and dinner and that I will organise a small family party/ celebration on a separate day on the same weekend so he is included.
Since then my brother has talked constantly about the wedding, demanding to be invited and switching between saying he wants to come and will be calm and then saying that he will ruin it. I always explain that he is invited to the wedding party (only our parents are coming to the actual ceremony) but he won’t accept it. My parents give me no support with this and have their head in the sand about everything. It’s making me feel awful because yesterday he was tearful about it.
I do want him there but I can’t risk his extreme behaviour ruining the day. My cousin has offered to look after him on the day of the wedding so both my parents can attend. It’s not ideal and it’s sad he can’t come, but this is a special day and I’ve spent my whole life walking on eggshells because of his behaviour. I could never have a birthday meal with my family or invite school friends over because it upset him. I just want this one day to celebrate without spending the whole time worrying something will happen. Even so, I know some people will judge me and think I’m unkind for not inviting him. My mum understands but my dad seems very sad about it.
I planned the second celebration to be a party in my parents’ garden with a marquee and catering, so my brother could have his own space at home if he couldn’t cope. But when I told him about the plan, he was angry and said he doesn’t want it here and that he was expecting me to hire a venue. So now I’m looking a local venues. I’ll also invite extended family but some of my relatives have an ongoing feud so that could be awkward too. Hardly any of my fiancé’s family can attend because they all live abroad so it will mostly be my family there.
I feel overwhelmed and stressed out about the whole thing. Did anyone else feel like this? Sometimes I feel like calling the whole thing off and eloping without telling anyone but I would never do that because it would cause more drama. Does anyone have any advice? I thought this would be an exciting time but it’s been nothing like I imagined.