Feel so stressed and sad planning wedding

[julesqueen]

I’m feeling quite isolated and stressed about planning my wedding. My fiancé and I are both introverts who don’t like being the centre of attention so we knew we wanted something small. We chose a lovely registry office and are planning to have a meal in a restaurant after the ceremony with close family only. But the drama started almost immediately.

First, my family. I currently live with them and it’s been nice to spend time with my parents and help them out. My adult disabled brother lives here too, he is autistic and my mum is his carer. When I told my family about the engagement, they didn’t even seem happy. There was a weird vibe and that’s continued every time I bring up the wedding. Nobody congratulated us or showed any excitement and I was sad about it. I didn’t expect them to throw a party but some positive reaction would have been nice.

My brother has always had severe behavioural issues because of his autism. He hates change and it’s difficult to go out anywhere in public with him, as the smallest thing can trigger a meltdown. At first, I really wanted him to attend the wedding and the meal. I took him out to restaurants in our local area to get him used to eating outside but it ended in disaster every time.

For example, I asked one restaurant for a private room as my brother is sensitive to noise. They seated us in a room away from the main area, but because my brother had seen a family with teenagers when walking in, it immediately affected his mood. Teenagers are one of his triggers as he finds them too loud. We should have left then but my parents insisted on ordering. It ended up with my brother shouting at the waiter, self harming with the cutlery, throwing himself on the floor etc and we had to go home early anyway. It was really distressing and I didn’t want to be there.

I explained to my parents that he probably won’t cope with the wedding ceremony and dinner and that I will organise a small family party/ celebration on a separate day on the same weekend so he is included.

Since then my brother has talked constantly about the wedding, demanding to be invited and switching between saying he wants to come and will be calm and then saying that he will ruin it. I always explain that he is invited to the wedding party (only our parents are coming to the actual ceremony) but he won’t accept it. My parents give me no support with this and have their head in the sand about everything. It’s making me feel awful because yesterday he was tearful about it.

I do want him there but I can’t risk his extreme behaviour ruining the day. My cousin has offered to look after him on the day of the wedding so both my parents can attend. It’s not ideal and it’s sad he can’t come, but this is a special day and I’ve spent my whole life walking on eggshells because of his behaviour. I could never have a birthday meal with my family or invite school friends over because it upset him. I just want this one day to celebrate without spending the whole time worrying something will happen. Even so, I know some people will judge me and think I’m unkind for not inviting him. My mum understands but my dad seems very sad about it.

I planned the second celebration to be a party in my parents’ garden with a marquee and catering, so my brother could have his own space at home if he couldn’t cope. But when I told him about the plan, he was angry and said he doesn’t want it here and that he was expecting me to hire a venue. So now I’m looking a local venues. I’ll also invite extended family but some of my relatives have an ongoing feud so that could be awkward too. Hardly any of my fiancé’s family can attend because they all live abroad so it will mostly be my family there.

I feel overwhelmed and stressed out about the whole thing. Did anyone else feel like this? Sometimes I feel like calling the whole thing off and eloping without telling anyone but I would never do that because it would cause more drama. Does anyone have any advice? I thought this would be an exciting time but it’s been nothing like I imagined.

I mean this kindly, but what your brother does or doesn't want is irrelevant. You should be planning the wedding that you and your fiancé would like. If those plans can't accommodate your brother, then that's unfortunate for him but you shouldn't be forced or made to feel guilty because you're not prioritising him!! This is your wedding day, you and your fiancé are the priority here, no one else. If you decide to have a party at your parents property after your wedding, and that fits in with your plans and can accommodate your brother, then do this. Your brother isn't paying for an alternative venue, he doesn't get to dictate what happens. I see a man, who's used to everyone bending to his will, walking around on egg shells, trying desperately not to upset him, and cause a meltdown. He's used to you, and your parents lives revolving around him and his needs. Take control back and organise your own wedding, the way you want it. If your cousin has kindly offered to stay with your brother on the day of the wedding, then take them up on it, then your parents can attend. Your parents sound as if they are ground down by your brother's behaviour, and go along with his demands, for an easy life. In this situation they are massively letting you down. If all else fails, cancel your plans, and elope abroad!

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think I am a people pleaser and it’s a huge problem I’m trying to address. From a young age I’ve always been very sensitive about upsetting people, what people think, whether I’ve said the wrong thing etc. I’m trying to change and I’m a lot better than I used to be but I still have it at my core. I’m a kind person and I know sometimes people sense it and think they can take advantage.

My brother can be very demanding and aggressive and he does grind my parents down. They go out of their way to keep the peace, often unsuccessfully. They often seem depressed and it’s not easy for them.

My mum has always said she doesn’t expect me to be his carer in future but neither of my parents will make any long term plans for him about where he will live. This is a separate issue which is too much to worry about now on top of everything else.

My son eloped and I wasn’t upset at all. He’s got a delightful wife who makes him happy and that’s all that matters to me.I was ‘mother of the bride’ for my daughter and it was a wonderful happy occasion but I only stepped up to do what she wanted. IMO, my children are adults and make their own decisions without consulting us unless they want advice. A wedding day is for the couple concerned, full stop. Parents really need to remember this and respect their adult children’s rights and then there’s no need for hurt feelings.

If something happens to your parents, you involve Social Services who will assess your brother and deal with the situation, maybe some sort of supported accommodation.

Caring means getting the best solution for him, not losing yourself in the process or being martyred by your parents.

I just want to second this, reset elope if you would like and as harsh as it sounds they probably don't want to lose an extra carer.

If my Dc eloped we wouldn't be upset.

I think your plan is very kind and considerate. Having a party at home where he can have his own space is a good idea. Your parents should be more understanding. It is sad that he can't be there but I just can't see how he can be.

I think your parents are scared of you leaving and that's why they are being odd. Without you in the house there's one less to person to care for your brother. It's probably dawning on them that they have him for life. They need to start thinking about his future and find suitable accommodation for him.

"I think I am a people pleaser and it’s a huge problem I’m trying to address. From a young age I’ve always been very sensitive about upsetting people, what people think, whether I’ve said the wrong thing etc. I’m trying to change and I’m a lot better than I used to be but I still have it at my core. I’m a kind person and I know sometimes people sense it and think they can take advantage".

And they do. People like your brother certainly do. He expects you as do your parents to bend to their will. People pleasing often starts by wanting to parent please. Many people-pleasers confuse people-pleasing with kindness, thinking they "don't want to be selfish" and "want to be a good person." One sign of being a people-pleaser is frequently apologising. Am certain you've been doing a lot of that and not just recently either.

Please consider getting therapy for yourself going forward re the people pleasing because it is a real problem and one that hinders you in your every day life and relationships. BACP are good and you may also want to read Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrell.

Would the situation be calmer if you have the ‘at home’ celebration a couple of weeks before the small legal ceremony? Then you might consider leaving from a hotel/friend/relative for the legal ceremony whether that is a registry office, church or hotel.
This is your day with your husband to be.

I would stop bending to please others.
Realistically, your brother won't be happy whatever you try as it's inevitably going to be too much for him.

Stick to your plans. Your brother can't put your needs first, your parents are choosing not to.

Please please put yourself first, it is your and your fiance's day.

Don’t be a kind person -just be a person. I’m not saying be cruel or selfish but people being kind imv care too much what others think of them. Just be you.

As soon as your parents knew there was to be a wedding they:

• anticipated your brother being a problem

• knew that they wouldn't be able to take your side against your brother

• knew this was wrong

I think this is the reason for their weirdness. They don't want to upset your brother even they know you deserve to have your wedding without him disrupting it.

You don't owe anyone a wedding.

If your mothers don't understand all this, then I promise you you're better off knowing this now.

@julesqueen i think your family didn’t seem happy as it appears you help a lot with your brother and being married and not living at home will naturally change that .
Seems you have also taken a back seat to your brother so now it’s your time.

I says do what YOU want to do .
If you what to continue with your plans then do it and don’t have your brother their I think that will ruin your day.
If you want to elope then do it .

Do not cave in and invite your brother. Just keep repeating “no it’s won’t work” and leave the room.
You’ve spent your whole life in his shadow, and you should not feel guilty about ensuring your brother doesn’t spoil your wedding day.

This nails it. Have this one day for YOU (and your fiancé, of course.)

Glove punch, OP. I can so relate to this. I heartily wished I had eloped because I was bottom priority at my wedding. When I attend weddings now everyone seems happy for the couple and are eager to help make the day a success. My family were simply glum and dm as usual was focused on dsis (not disabled but a royal pain the arse if not the centre of attention) and sighing about everything being too much trouble. And I suspect like you I was very much earmarked as the spinster daughter and my getting married was not in the plan.

You need some therapy to disentangle yourself from their drama.

It’s hard having a disabled brother, but it’s even harder having parents who expect you to run your life around him forever.

Marriage is YOUR new beginning. Perhaps the start of your own family. It might not feel like it now, but soon you will have a whole host of new priorities. If you bow down to your parents again now you will look back and regret it. You need to calmly start defining and enforcing your boundaries to build a life you want.

when are you planning on moving out? I think that would hugely help

My Mother ruined my wedding day for me. I didn’t want her there as I knew what she was like but was too scared of the potential fallout. With hindsight I absolutely should have trusted my gut instinct that my family should be nowhere near my wedding day!

The memory of your wedding will be with you for the rest of your life. You absolutely deserve for that to be a happy day and a happy memory. It’s up to you how you achieve that with you brother but do not get railroaded into including your brother.

If you need witnesses for your ceremony, mumsnet is a great source of volunteers 😁🥳

OP this was me 10 years ago. I have a severely disabled sister and my mother was miserable for the whole run up to the wedding. My sister couldn’t express her opinion but my mother was worried about people judging her l guess. After all the stress they had a great day. I did lots to please others instead of myself and partner. My advice in this scenario is to suit yourself and try not to feel bad. Like you my childhood and adult life has centred around my siblings disability until I had children of my own and realised they come first but the guilt is always there.

Elope from your family. Take your husband's parents and family with you if you want. Your parents should be properly on your side for this, i.e. admit that brother will probably ruin the wedding if he comes and so be arranging for him not to come. The fact that they are not, may be just a sign they can't cope with your brother, or it may be a sign that they don't really care about you. Either way if they can't keep brother out of the way, they can't be there. After have a big party with everyone.

Your parents are fully aware that your brother will (not might) ruin your wedding given the chance, yet are unwilling to do anything to mitigate this. They are not considering you at all. Yet you are worried that they will be upset if you elope and, god forbid, be happy for you to get the day that you want.
Stop flying an ocean for people who won't jump a puddle for you.
Elope. Or go quietly to the nice registry office with your fiance's parents as your witnesses followed by a nice meal.
Have a lovely day which you & your fiance will enjoy.
Best of luck @julesqueen.

If mine had, I would have been upset but that would have been my problem not theirs and I hope I'd have been able to hide it

In the OP's situation, unless her fiancé's parents would be undeservedly devasted I think it's quite a good idea

@julesqueen , just out of interest, where are you going to live when you're married? Have you got somewhere already? Is it near your current home?

In 25 years time who will remember your wedding?

memories are very linked to emotions- the stronger the emotion the stronger the memory.

you and fiancé will have the strongest emotions to remember it…and these need to be positive memories or a few funny in hindsight mini disasters on the day. But you don’t want your memories to be of stress and unhappiness it is causing you just now. That’ll taint all your memories of the day for rest of your life to point you won’t want to look at photos etc to be reminded of them

in meantime it is doubtful your brother will remember much at all, other than his reaction to other people and strange places. It won’t be about your marriage

and your parents already appear to have some complex emotions - hardly stuff that indicates it’ll be a memory imprinted for rest of their lives with undiluted happiness

stop. Call it off. Say to people you’re going to put it on hold due to it becoming too difficult and stressful. Say nowt more

then secretly go off and elope and marry in a few months . Do something joyful and joy filled that you both want to hold onto as your memory of the start of your married life. Take photos that show your joy and excitement at this start of your life. Make the memories for yourselves alone.

then at some point next year, fess up to your family with a celebration of your marriage at your parents home, inviting people you know. Keep it small as you want. Have seperately event if you want. Tell them whatever you did in not elopingvas going to make someone unhappy anyway. And as it’s yours and fiancés wedding day it was not going to be you made unhappy on this occasion.

the point is you will never make your brother happy, or your parents for that matter in trying to arrange a marriage involving * them. And it’ll be a short term memory for them all. You can make you and fiancé happy- that’s all you can both do.

at some point you sound like you need to have a “crucial conversation” with your parents regarding why they’re not enthusiastic about you getting married, and why you feel your wants and wishes always play second fiddle to keeping your brother “happy”. His happiness does not depend on you doing certain things. Or not doing certain things. That doesn’t work. It just makes you miserable. As hard as this is, when wedding is settled down, it’ll be in your and everyone’s interest to really discuss the future of your relationships and carer roles as they get older.

This is my latest favourite quote I need to use

“Stop flying an ocean for people who won't jump a puddle for you.”

👏🏻