Argh, date gone quiet

[Spicynoodlesheal]

Single female, 41

I went on my first date last week with another woman. We had been texting for a while and things were going great. Both parents to 6 year old girls, hers has autism and she's been quite open about this being difficult for her.

She had sent lovely messages after our date, which was a dog walk. She was very keen to meet again, her response being "oh my gosh yes please, I'd love that".

I asked if she was free Tuesday before the school run and she said no, apologised profusely and said to please not think she's blowing me off, coukd I do the Thursday. I put a laughing emoji and said I'm working (she only works 2 days a week, I work full time). Her demeanour changed after that, and yesterday she messaged to say she has a lot going on, doesn't know when she can meet me again and doesn't expect me to wait.

She is also in therapy for a bad relationship last year, she's been open about protecting herself her child and has built walls.

I told her I was gutted but obviously respect her decision and she's thanked me.

I miss her a lot though, how can she go from being so enthusiastic to cutting everything off so quickly. Ive spoken to a lot of women on dating sites but this was the first woman I felt drawn to and as weird as it sounds, I feel really upset.

Not sure why I'm writing here

She’s not that into you. Move on. ( sorry - dating is brutal)

I guess so. But she said she was really into me and attracted to me and loved how patient I was being. Argh its put me right ofd

Sounds like she has a lot going on in her life and doesn't want any kind of commitment to any arrangements. But I can see why you are upset at this hot and cold treatment. Maybe you had a lucky escape.

Tbf, it sounds like there's some miscommunication. If you sent her a laughing emoji and simply said you were working, do you think she might have misinterpreted that as lack of interest? It sounds kinda blunt to me! If that's exactly how you responded and you didn't suggest another option, and your vibe was much more chill than hers, I personally would've seen that as a signal to back off and maybe even feel a little embarrassed at my earlier enthusiasm...and then if she's struggling socially anyway, she might have just shut things down in order to protect herself.

Why did you laugh at her when she asked if you were free? That seems quite rude so no wonder she’s taken a step back.

I would suggest another date and tell her she’s worth waiting for - a little bit of confidence and attention (where it’s genuinely meant as it is here) might show her she’s not a burden or unworthy.

If she’s still luke warm or not interested then cut your losses and move on. The right person for you won’t make it hard.

I also wondered if she misunderstood the laughing emoji. It could come across as if you were saying "Of course I'm working then. I have a proper job! You are silly to think otherwise."

Your text was pretty rude.

I think she liked you up till then, but that must have been a deal break for her.

it can be quite sensitive to some people.

if you want to see her again, I think you have a chance, if you apologise profusely for the text and explain it was a joke

I don't think one message being misinterpreted would cause this and would very much advise against explaining and being rejected again x

Yes, that’s what I thought. The laughter reads like “how ludicrous to suggest Thursday! I have a job unlike you!”

Of course it might be completely unrelated and she just realised she wasn’t as into you as she’d thought at first, or other life stuff came up, or she met someone else she liked.

Whichever, I’m sorry.

Ive read back and she asked if it was only a Monday i finish at half one and my exact phrase was

Yeah only Monday 😂 that's ok, we'll work something else out x

And she apologised and I said "its ok honestly!x"

Yeah I did consider replying and asking if this was her pushing me away etc but tbh, I cant face rejection again and I know not to badger when someone has made a decision. I told her I was gutted so she knows to message if things change. It was just so quickly. Im convinced it was that message exchange that killed thing because it was immediate!!

I can't see that you did anything wrong. If she's so sensitive that she's taken offence at your reply and is willing to cut you off so finally, over a remark that she could easily have taken the wrong way, you'd constantly be walking on eggshells with her and do you really want that sort of relationship? She sounds like hard work!

Literally the week before we discussed ongoing dating, and how things felt so lovely, and that as long as we remain, open and kind, we will build trust. I feel like ive been stomped on :(

I think she may have been very difficult to be in a relationship with if she has taken offence or something to something as simple as that message. Combined with her having lots to deal with from a past relationship, I think you’re probably best out of it. You didn’t really know her so get out there and meet others and she’ll be a distance memory.

It is most definitely her interpretation of your message. When you sent her laughing emoji and said that you work, I think that she felt you were saying "some of us work you know", and took it as an offence. This is just my opinion. I can see that you like her and so I would suggest you try again, but if this was me, I would walk away, too much work.

Ive just popped on to the dating app and she is online on there so its clearly not a case of her not having time to date.

I guess it was something I did :(

It will depend on the chemistry on the date. In some ways she is trying to be nice by not giving you a definite "no".

I would've thought the messages given off the date would be more meaningful than text messages that are open for interpretation.

She was very shy, but straight after the date she messaged and said she wished she was norw forward and kissed me. Baffling.

Oh well, onwards and upwards I guess

If her daughter has autism, she may have trouble interpreting comments herself, or be on the avoidant side. To me it sounds like the issue is on her side, and that she might not actually be in quite the right place for dating right now. I wouldn't pursue it any further if I was in that position, either.

You don't think it was rude to send a laughing emoji and say you were working? Could easily be interpreted as 'I have a proper job, silly! Why would I be free then?'

Also, I get that you both have young children, but do people really suggest pre--school-run timeslots for a second date? That does not say 'date' or anything like it to me.

I didnt mean it like that, it was more laughing at our inability to secure a time to date!

Well, you know what you meant, but does she? It seems to me that it's least interpretable in a scornful or belittling way, and given that you say something appears to have changed drastically since the aftermath of your first date, when she was very excited at the idea of a second, isn't it possible your text was at fault?

It's entirely possible. With this in mind, is it worth clarifying or apologising :/

What do you have to lose? You liked her, right?