Argh, date gone quiet

[Spicynoodlesheal]

Single female, 41

I went on my first date last week with another woman. We had been texting for a while and things were going great. Both parents to 6 year old girls, hers has autism and she's been quite open about this being difficult for her.

She had sent lovely messages after our date, which was a dog walk. She was very keen to meet again, her response being "oh my gosh yes please, I'd love that".

I asked if she was free Tuesday before the school run and she said no, apologised profusely and said to please not think she's blowing me off, coukd I do the Thursday. I put a laughing emoji and said I'm working (she only works 2 days a week, I work full time). Her demeanour changed after that, and yesterday she messaged to say she has a lot going on, doesn't know when she can meet me again and doesn't expect me to wait.

She is also in therapy for a bad relationship last year, she's been open about protecting herself her child and has built walls.

I told her I was gutted but obviously respect her decision and she's thanked me.

I miss her a lot though, how can she go from being so enthusiastic to cutting everything off so quickly. Ive spoken to a lot of women on dating sites but this was the first woman I felt drawn to and as weird as it sounds, I feel really upset.

Not sure why I'm writing here

It shouldn't be such hard work at this stage. I usually assume people are working during week days to be honest

I think the emoji is a red herring. Maybe she's just had second thoughts.

I'd interpret the message as a 'don't be daft, I'm working then, why are you suggesting that?' type thing, followed by a vague, non-committal 'we'll work something out' - and I don't think I'm hard work! Her message was very enthusiastic, yours was more flippant and off-hand imo.

You've got nothing to lose by explaining, but she's maybe feeling like she likes you more than you like her and doesn't want to open herself up to that.

She has decided that "dating" would just add another burden to her life and schedule. Move on.

I would honestly go back and clarify the laughing emoji. What do you have to lose? You might regret never doing this and it will be harder the longer you leave it. Do it and let us know what she’s says.

I think the laughing emoji might have come across as if you were thinking she was a bit dumb to not realise what a full time job involves. If you’re still keen you could always message and say just read our messages back and realised the might have come across wrong.

I'm a chap, was dating a super lady for three months, absolutely nothing wrong - then without warning she just said she needs time to work on herself / its not me its her etc.

I was / am very sad, but I will never know her true reason, nor should I, I just have to respect her decision and move on.

In the same vein OP, whatever it is, she doesn't want to see you again - of course you are crestfallen and sad, but there isn't much point in doing anything other than moving on - she knows where you are, and that you were interested if she changes her mind.

Plenty more fish and all such advice! Good luck!

Don't over think it, it's not something you did, its just how it works, she's not interested - doesn't make you a bad person or mean you have done something wrong - rejection smarts though.

If you've got to clarify innocent comments/emojis at this stage because she's someone who takes offence so easily, then I'd think you've had a lucky escape!

I like her more than ive ever liked someone this early on. If you could see the message exchange just the weeks before, youd realise how odd this is. But im torn between sending a final message and risking another brush off and disrespecting her feelings, or just leaving it and now knowing

I know how you feel, but I would respect her feelings and leave it.

The poster before who has said if she is so easily offended it's a narrow escape is right - it doesn't stand much chance of working.

If you do go down the final message route I'd just go for something along the lines of "would really like to see you again sometime, drop me a line if you would like to", but in doing so, don't wait for a reply, or expect one.

I think if she has not long come out of a difficult relationship, i would steer clear. Been there twice.

Send the message if you’re going to keep wondering, at least you’ll have tried.

It may turn out to have been the emoji - if it was would the fact that such a small thing put her off make you rethink?

Or it may turn out that the emoji had nothing to do with it and she just wasn’t into you. Or she was, but the next day met someone she liked more. Or she might just be a weirdo.

I know you were keen on her but it was only one date - you really don’t know her at all.

@SpicynoodleshealI’d message her- nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck ☺️

Looks like she likes you, but wants to see what other options are out there. She may have been talking to someone else and planned to meet them. You could say something like "Hope you're ok, let me know if you want to have a coffee sometime" and leave it at that.

You miss all the shots you never take.

Send the message. Best case scenario it’s a misunderstanding and you’re back on track.

Worst case scenario you are knocked back but at least you have closure and you know and you don’t forever wonder “what if” and agonise over it as you are doing now.

When you said laughing emoji, my initial thought you were meaning it in a lighthearted way as to say ‘Typical’! (that I’m working that day when I want to see you). Obviously others have interpreted it differently so it could be why.

I think I’d message one last time and then at least you can say you tried your best. You can move on after that if you don’t get the response you want.

"Yeah only Monday 😂 that's ok, we'll work something else out x"

Based on my (heterosexual) experience I'd see this as a brush-off early on.

I have ND traits and slight social anxiety, so maybe similar to her?

She's said she'd like to kiss you, so she's green lighted she finds you super attractive, and from her side she's got a fairly blase response back

Saying "we'll work something out" rather than another specific day suggestion is too vague.

If I come up with a day and the person can't do it but doesn't immediately counter with an alternative day, I've learned 99.99% of the time they're just not THAT into me. Even if the first date was amazing.

I come up with another suggestion and they are often "busy" then or don't reply! Especially if there was a gap between the organising text and then you didn't message. She's spent a night then thinking it's essentially fizzled out.

If you want to try again, I'd avoid talking about the text and just throw a date plan at her.

"Hi X, I can't stop thinking about you and I'd love us to stay in touch, even as friends. Though I'd hope for more.

What is your availability for next two weeks? I am around on and and ". Let's try X pub or go for coffee at Y."

Then just stick to the meeting if she responds positively. I agree with pps to not pursue any more if she seems to require a lot of wooing and chasing.

Obviously I'm not the spokesperson for female daters who are anxious/ND.

But I think some people are happy just chatting and meeting "as and when".

Others don't feel comfortable unless there's something solid in the diary. We're burnt by too many flaky great first dates that never go anywhere!

I saw her online on the dating app last night and she has changed her bio slightly and added new photos so she is clearly still looking to date.

I need to just shake her from my mind now.

Interesting that her intro is now "first 5 emojis on recently used"am I imagining things or is this a dig lol

She sounds like slightly hard work and that she has an awful lot going on and some issues to work through. Personally I think you dodged a bullet.

No clue what that means tbh but I would just message her and see if she’s free for a coffee next week

Just message her rather than stalking her profile. I feel like you need some closure on this.