How do I tell him I like him...or should I??

[HungryHippoAnn]

I've worked with a colleague since December. We're both the same age and are both single (I'm separated with children and he has never been married with no children).

This definitely isn't a crush. We've got to know each other more as the months have gone on. He messages me each day and will call me for a catch up each day for half an hour about non work related stuff. The contact has increased as the months have gone on. We don't contact each other outside of work however. He is friendly with other women at work so I don't know if how he behaves with me is any different. But I really do have feelings for him. We've talked about life, wants, dating disasters, families, loss etc. Do I tell him how I feel? I've got to an age where I don't want to muck about but similarly I don't want to make things awkward. That said, we're both adults and would be able to still work together if it all went tits up.

Help! I literally can't read him and have no idea what to do.

Just ask him for a drink after work?

We have been for drinks, both on our own and with other people and had a great time. However it wasn't so much "let's go on a date" but "fancy a drink?" On all occasions we've got on well, we stayed out late and there was no awkwardness. We've shared lots of personal details in terms of family stuff, insecurities etc. But again I don't know if it's just friendly.

What's his situation @HungryHippoAnn in terms of why no marriage / children? Is he of an age where this is relatively unusual, has he had long-term relationships, etc.?

There’s only one way to find out, OP. You say that you’re mature enough to still be able to work together if it went wrong and you don’t want to muck about, so what have you got to lose? If you don’t want to go straight for the jugular, why not test the waters? Next time he talks about dating, ask if he’s interested in anyone? He may well give you a cue that he likes you.

Ah ok. Well if I was you I’d suggest another drink, then say you are starting to have feelings for him and see how he responds. I suspect he feels similarly but is holding back due to work.

is there any possibility he might be gay btw? Or married? I think they’d possibly be 2 other reasons I’d want to consider

*reasons why a man may want such a close friendship but nothing more

He's definitely not married and not gay. He is in his late thirties and had relationships. He often refers to using dating apps but it not really working out (and I can relate to that as I hate the apps).

I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. I worry I'm seeing something there that isn't actually there. I'm also aware I'm not exactly an oil painting and so that's also putting me off saying anything.

if a man was calling me every day I’d absolutely assume he was interested!!

I mean when I say "call" I mean on a video platform at work. He'll call me on the days where we both wfh. On the days where we are in the office we will chat, go for coffee etc. But there's a couple of other girls he goes for a coffee with/ lunch with. I have no idea if he also calls them every day. That's the puzzle.

Also I assumed if he was interested he'd text outside of work or add me on social platforms etc.

To me going for drinks after work is more a sign than adding you on SM.

You will never know for sure his intentions unless you ask him though. And even if you’ve got it wrong he’ll be flattered

Definitely don't tell him how you feel yet. Don't force it. Go out for more drinks, invite him to join you for other things too. The more time you spend together outside of work, the more your friendship will build. In time it will make the nature of your relationship obvious and you won't need to worry about doing anything.

I just don't know why he wouldn't have said anything if he did? I worry he wouldn't be flattered as I don't consider myself attractive. I worry I would be opposite of flattering. More...disgusting. I'm really not confident despite appearing so.

I would say to him in conversation one time "I wish l could meet someone exactly like you." And wait for his response.

Sounds silly but I worry he'll meet someone else. I'm not even sure what else I'd invite him to. We both work in London but we live very far apart.

I think the only way to find out is if you ask...I can see how that would be daunting though.

If he is so open and friendly though I would be wondering why he hasn't maybe given you an inkling he likes you too so I would just watch out maybe..

I like that! Or how about offering to help with each others dating profiles. Then saying something positive about his like I’d swipe on you (obviously don’t give him any actual good advice as you don’t want him to meet anyone else 😂)

I'm also AuDHD so really struggle to pick up on body language and cues, which is why I'm also very cautious. I could be reading things entirely wrong 😂

OP, on MN, posters talk about men as if they are one homogeneous group. They say things like, ‘if he liked you he’d do xyz’ or ‘he’d just say’, but the reality is, just because someone’s a certain sex it doesn’t mean they will all act completely predictably in the same way. Every person, male or female has their own reservations and insecurities etc that prevents them acting in the ways they might otherwise want to.

He maybe hasn’t told you or asked you out outright for the same reasons you haven’t asked him? Perhaps he doesn’t have the confidence or isn’t 100% sure how you feel about him. Men can be shy and reserved and scared of rejection just like anybody else.

Oh absolutely. I'm not very good at this sort of thing and just sort of assumed he would be forthcoming. But he is quite reserved, cautious and has said to me he is fearful of rejection as he's been burnt from previous experiences. But similarly, I don't want to read that as an invitation for me to declare my feelings and make things super weird.

He also keeps appearing as a friend suggestion on fb. I have his number on my phone, but I have a number of colleagues numbers on my phone and it doesn't suggest them. So now I'm constantly confronted with his profile on a daily basis

Don’t say anything!
Gently…if he liked you in that way…he would let you know.

Have you noticed any body language cues? I guess maybe if you’re autistic this is possibly harder to gauge. Just ask casually when the subject of dating arises again, ‘are you seeing anyone or interested in anyone at the moment?’ And see how he reacts, or tell him about your prospective dates or lack of and watch his response. It opens the door a bit.

You should definitely just add him on Facebook! And I'd try to find a way to gradually message a bit out of work and see how he responds to that. Maybe try to engineering him recommending a film he likes and you can use that as an excuse to message him at the weekend to say you enjoyed it. Something light, so you're not embarrassed if he doesn't really reply (but I think he will - he sounds keen to me!). Good luck!

That feeling of urgency is one I don't trust. I believe that what's for you won't go by you - just be friendly and flirty, invite him out (of course there are loads of things you can invite him to - a restaurant you want to try, a play, a gig, a quiz night, whatever- an after work event somewhere in London) Take your time and get to know him, see if there's anything there. If he reciprocates the invitations and starts contacting you outside work, then he probably likes you too.