How to initiate intimacy are years of very little..?

[Moodershewrote]

Title edit: How to initiate intimacy AFTER years of very little.

Been with DP for almost 20y, relatively stable relationship, bumble along say to day well enough.

Context: when we met we fell hard for each other and had a solid sex life up until kids came along 6ish years in. After about a year and a half of first DC was born. Sex life resumed, but with much less gusto and was sporadic / maybe monthly ish after that until second DC came along a couple years later. Second DC was a sleep refuser, I also experienced 2 very close traumatic family deaths which put me on my arse for a good couple of years. Second DC is 10 now, Still a terrible sleeper so we rarely have ‘an evening’ of more than an hour before we’re both falling asleep (working FT, older DC is a teen and fairly self sufficient, but wants lifts everywhere and have elderly parent to support etc etc - the usual story..).

All of this has left our sex life in tatters, we’re never intimate anymore, but we are affectionate (we hug, say ‘love you’ and maybe hold hands, lean on each other on sofa etc). I actually can’t remember the last time we DTD, I think it was a drunken fumble at a friends celebration event when we were both quite inebriated and didn’t have children for once. Nothing to write home about!

I think we still fancy each other, but it’s not like it was years ago - life-shit gets in the way - and there has definitely been some resentment on both sides, nothing particularly serious, just the sort of shit life throws at you along the way (MIL issues, although far less so now and me having some health / mental health issues, but nothing life threatening etc). We’ve ended up sleeping in sep bedrooms, due to his snoring and him often staying up later and my sleep being annihilated by peri-menopause, so any noise wakes me and I can’t sleep for hours after🙄

There’s no abuse (I think!) and he definitely pulls his weight domestically and with kids (does all cooking, gardening, dishes.. I do all laundry, in-between cleaning and mental load).

Just looking for some advice / stories from others who have had a very long dry patch and felt so awkward and unsure if we can get it back?

I think it's great you're going to try and get this part of your marriage back again.
I have 4 kids, 2 with SEN and life was hard! Sex was definitely the last thing we both wanted. After a few years, we started taking time out to ourselves, going on dates, nights to hotels, being more considerate to each other. I was slightly resentful and learnt to deal with that, although it does still rear its ugly head.
It's worked and our sex life is back on track. He's a good husband but sometimes I forgot that in the midst of the shit I was dealing with daily. I'm glad I realised before it was too late.
Good luck OP, you sound as if you've had a rough time, hopefully things will start to look up.

Have you talked to him about getting things going again? Chat about what you need from each other for that to happen. It might be kissing and more affection during the daytime, it might be flirty messages, a weekend away or even just more talking about feelings.

Separate bedrooms will always reduce sexual opportunities.
Perhaps one night a week you could share a bed and see if being physically close helps.

This is a good idea, in theory, he has pushed (gently) for us to share a bed again, but I suppose I always feel quite stressed about it as going to bed knowing sleep will be unlikely is a big barrier to making it a reality!

We’ve made a few comments over the years, but never at length as I can tell he’s just not very comfortable talking about it, he’s early 50’s and just not very emotionally switched on if you get me? It’s not that he’s unemotional, but he’s a bit old school I suppose.

That’s great you’ve managed to overcome it all to get things back, that is really impressive and gives me a bit of hope!

I think we’re both nervous and quite inhibited after all this time, it’s a feels a bit cringe!

Ok so he doesn't have to talk, will he listen to you talk about your want and need for a sex life again? Will he take on board suggestions to get things moving?

Yeah he would, I guess I would feel a bit weird though..

I know he wants to have a sex life as he’s hinted about it a few times over the years.

I wonder what sort of suggestions you are looking for or expecting as the obvious seem a bit difficult for you. Talking about sex with your husband or even initiating flirting or romance should but the first place to start but it seems like you dont think this is possible. How do you envisage this working?

Totally get where you’re coming from—and you’re definitely not alone. Life, kids, stress, snoring, menopause... it all chips away at intimacy.
The key now is talking—not big pressure-y chats, but something gentle like, “I miss us. I’d love to feel closer again—can we talk about it?” It’ll probably feel awkward at first, but that’s normal. Start small—kiss like you mean it, share a bed now and then, even just cuddle properly.
You’ve still got affection, respect, and teamwork—that’s a solid base. It’s not about recreating the past—it’s about finding new ways to reconnect now. You can get it back, bit by bit.

Firstly, my dh is a snorer snd I use sleep buds - soundcore A20 they aren’t like useless plugs these play white noise . They are brilliant and drown out his snoring.

Many people don't like having conversations about sex, it's awkward and there isn't always an obvious answer.

I would A.Get sleep buds so you know you can sleep and B. get back to sleeping together so at least progression to intimacy is easy.

Many people in sexless relationships believe their dps aren't bothered but we see enough on this board to know that is often only until a third enthusiastic party appears on the scene.

So I would make the first move, if he rejects you or has ED then yes that's the time for conversations but for now one of you has to make the first move.

Sounds like the ball is your court if he is hinting

Would a night or two away be an option? It might feel a bit more natural if you’re sharing a bed in a hotel, and can enjoy a couple of drinks, and no dc interruptions to throw you back into mum and dad roles.

Have you tried "I really want to get our sex life back, do you?".

Go back to sharing the same bed- maybe try an anti-snore pillow. I got one from Argos for about £10 and it works!
Have a date night or go out for a coffee.
maybe try being affectionate at first, not rushing into DTD. If he’s hinting and you want to ,seize the opportunity now. 50 isn’t old!

Hi, I’ve heard of something called beducated on ig. It’s supposed to be really good for initiating and getting that spark back as well as just helping in general. You can get a free trial so might be worth having a google. Good luck op x

He's a man isn't he, just walk around naked in front of him and nature will take it's course. I always admire and comment on how beautiful my wife is when she is disrobed. However the other way round she never even looks up from her phone when I am naked in front of her 😞(despite the fact that I am smokin' hot and an amazing catch and also very modest)

I think going away for a night would be a good start away from the domestic drudgery. I love having my own room and have done for the past 30 years ( married 40 years) due to my husband’s snoring. Even with ear plugs that actually worked nothing would persuade me to give up my sleep and space! We still have an active sex life - always makes me laugh when people think not sharing a bed means the end of your sex life. What would end my sex life is being sleep deprived and irritated.

I can relate! Its hard when lives gets in the way and you feel its gone off the menu. I think you just need to rip off the awkward plaster and let him know he has the green light. Try to take any pressure out of the situation- initially just try spending time in bed together naked. Listen to music, cuddling, kissing, see what you feel like but without pressure / expectation to DTD. Try to feel normal being physically close again and the sex will come. This podcast has some thoughts too- could be an ice breaker for you to send him / listen together? https://open.spotify.com/episode/2FHmNmyP5OdscXypd2BfIK?si=b0uzf2YQQyi5eGEAjA7l2A
If you dont have spotify its a ted talk daily titled 'How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime.'. Good luck!

I can relate!! I can also relate with your husband, been over 50 and had a Conservative upbringing, taliing about sexual problems is very awkward!! We tried it and it made the situation worse and i just shut down,its a very big no no for me.

I wish this were true! I have recently lost weight etc in an effort to get my husband interested, but despite him noticing I’ve lost weight he’s still not interested if I walk about naked. Is humiliating really. Sadly not all men feel the urge like you do, wish they did

Feed him some more red meat and maybe oysters 😀If that doesn't work, kick him into the long grass!!

Funny enough we have a very similar backstory to you; I’m nearly 50 and dh similar age.

For us, the single thing that solved everything was throwing away the spare bed (we needed the room for something else). I worried a lot because of the snoring and my peri symptoms. but I slept so badly anyway it honestly hasnt been worse

I realised in hindsight that in trying to be respectful dh never knew how to initiate sex. The day I moved back into his room, we just got things back on track. It was frankly unbelievable but I assure you, without comment we just picked up where we left off pre-kids. Although slightly less fantastic since we are somewhat fatter and a lot more tired! So yes, We went from almost nothing (maybe twice a year) to two or three times a week and it’s been that way now for two years. I have moments of frustration when I think of all those years I was sure he didn’t want me any more and felt terrible about it. But mostly I’m just grateful to feel loved again, I missed it.

If we hadnt thrown the bed away I’d never have known. I missed out on a decade of great sex … gutted!

this is a sad result of stereotyping, that all men want sex all the time - this is just not true

Maybe invest in a new double bed base with two single mattresses zip/link together for a peaceful night. Each choses their mattress that suits. New king duvet and covers. The one that is offended with the other’s snoring wears earplugs.