Title edit: How to initiate intimacy AFTER years of very little.
Been with DP for almost 20y, relatively stable relationship, bumble along say to day well enough.
Context: when we met we fell hard for each other and had a solid sex life up until kids came along 6ish years in. After about a year and a half of first DC was born. Sex life resumed, but with much less gusto and was sporadic / maybe monthly ish after that until second DC came along a couple years later. Second DC was a sleep refuser, I also experienced 2 very close traumatic family deaths which put me on my arse for a good couple of years. Second DC is 10 now, Still a terrible sleeper so we rarely have ‘an evening’ of more than an hour before we’re both falling asleep (working FT, older DC is a teen and fairly self sufficient, but wants lifts everywhere and have elderly parent to support etc etc - the usual story..).
All of this has left our sex life in tatters, we’re never intimate anymore, but we are affectionate (we hug, say ‘love you’ and maybe hold hands, lean on each other on sofa etc). I actually can’t remember the last time we DTD, I think it was a drunken fumble at a friends celebration event when we were both quite inebriated and didn’t have children for once. Nothing to write home about!
I think we still fancy each other, but it’s not like it was years ago - life-shit gets in the way - and there has definitely been some resentment on both sides, nothing particularly serious, just the sort of shit life throws at you along the way (MIL issues, although far less so now and me having some health / mental health issues, but nothing life threatening etc). We’ve ended up sleeping in sep bedrooms, due to his snoring and him often staying up later and my sleep being annihilated by peri-menopause, so any noise wakes me and I can’t sleep for hours after🙄
There’s no abuse (I think!) and he definitely pulls his weight domestically and with kids (does all cooking, gardening, dishes.. I do all laundry, in-between cleaning and mental load).
Just looking for some advice / stories from others who have had a very long dry patch and felt so awkward and unsure if we can get it back?