Torn on what to do?

[ThisBusyQuoter]

My 18 year old son is seeing a man In his 40s from work for sex. I asked my son what happened, and he says, the man is single and made a move on him after work, they went to his place and had sex. This has been ongoing for a while, and it's killing me. I really want to tell the man to his face what a disgusting pervert he is, and tell at work about him.

What should I do?

Nothing. Your son is an adult and his choice of partner, whether as a FB or relationship, is up to him.

It’s grim but your son is an adult,
I wouldn’t be happy regardless of the m/f or m/m or f/m.
Make sure he is practising safe sex, and just be there for him.

OMG just keep out of it!
Your son is an adult, DO NOT go into his workplace, you will look unhinged!

The age gap is grim considering how young your son is, but he’s an adult so you need to stay out of it.
If you’re judgy, he just won’t trust you and will stop telling you about his life.
Do not go into his workplace 😱

I thought I could make a call in to his work and out him out?

Out him for what?
A completely legal sexual relationship?
Have you considered that maybe your son prefers older men?
Unless there is coercion/abuse going on, it’s really none of your business.
Is your son happy to see this older man?

It's common in the male gay community to have an older male take a young gay male under their wing and introduce them and inbed them into the gay scene. We can pretend there is literally no differences in gay/straight relationships but there is . I think it has a word 'bear/cub?' I could be wrong on that name. But it is a 'thing'.

I don't think there's a lot you can really do about it to be honest, bar make sure he can come to you if he's worried and make sure he is equipped with the knowledge of how to practice safe sex.

For seducing a teen? Teenagers don't think rationally, and that guy clearly used it to use my son.

You are right to find this disturbing. Ignore people minimising your feelings and acting like it's no big deal.
On one hand your son is legally an adult, but let's face it, how many 18 year olds are mature with fully developed brains?

Wondering how many posters would be ok with their 18 year old daughter seeing a 40 year old man? No didn't think so.

I get that you are upset.
And I would have been upset if my daughter was involved with a much older man at that age.
But my point is that nothing illegal is going on, your son is 18.
Other than be there for him, talking about safe sex, talking about issues like coercive control, there isn’t a huge amount you can do.
Also he’s 18, it’s very unlikely to last.
I know you probably still see him as your baby, my dd is nearly 21 and I still see her that way, but at 18 he can make his own choices as to his sexual partners.

Also, this guy as I've mentioned above is probably acting in a 'mentor' capacity on the gay scene as is frequently the case with young gay guys new to the scene. I doubt he'll come to you for advice, but will probably most definitely go to this man for the advice he's after.

'the scene ' is different to straight couples relations in many respects and you can't always apply your views/outlook/Norms to gay relationships. We try to pretend there's no differences, but there is. I think to be naive and ignore that won't help. TV makes us believe we're all exactly the same and shows homosexuals slotting in to a heterosexual world and adopting our norms and cultures within relationships so that viewers think "oh god yeh, they're exactly the same you homophobic bigots !" Same way BBC will show a group of girls with a token Muslim girl in it and the Muslim girl will be gossiping, writing her diary about kissing boys and her favourite food being fish and chips.

It's harmful, because then we as a society start to expect people with differences to act in a stereotypical white/atheist/British/straight way and then comes the head scratch when they don't. There are cultural differences within communities and that includes the gay male community. So perhaps start with recognising that. It might even put your mind at ease a little that his relationship with this man is somewhat a cultural norm within his newfound community.

@changedchangeychange What an excellent post, thank you.

Agree. The sex of the people involved is irrelevant....I'd be absolutely raging if I was the op. 18 may legally be an adult but it is so young really.

I agree. But read my post. It is a 'thing' within the gay male community. BBC just likes to put shows on where they stick a token 'gay'/black person/Muslim in that acts completely hetero normative/'white' way with a lovely crisp RP English accent/sits around a table eating fish and chips. It's unrealistic and doesn't recognise cultural norms or differences within communities.

What would you do in my place?

Love that.. pervy grim youth chasers having an excuse to fuck a teenager 🤢🤮

Honestly I have no idea...I'm not sure there's a whole lot you can do. But I can understand why you feel how you feel. Like I said the sex of those involved is irrelevant...I'd be equally upset if a forty year old woman was dating my 18 year old Ds

I'm honestly not telling you whether I think it's right or wrong. I'm pointing out reality. We're just shielded from it by organisations such as the BBC. I'm just telling you the information.

Don't be ridiculous. Your son's not being forced into having sex.

Difficult though it might be, keep your nose out and your mouth shut. Be supportive when you have to be.

Be there if he needs you.

Since he's an adult there's not a lot else you can do.

Going to their workplace may piss your son off, and could push him away. Then you'll have no idea at all what he's doing.

Sit your son down and have a good chat with him and see how he feels. Do not go contacting his work place he will never live it down and it will do more harm than good with your relationship with your son.

Thanks for the info, I'll guess I have to just stay quiet and let him get on with it.

Have you any idea how many 18 year olds there are on gay dating websites only interested in older men? The age gap isn’t viewed the same way in gay relationships. Just be careful that you’re not misplacing your anger here. Do you have a problem with your son being gay?

No it's not a problem for me. Just worrying about my son.