Feel so horrible AIBU - is this all men?

[Bella6761]

Basically had a row with him because we hardly ever have sex and he said maybe I should put effort into the way I look to make him want to have sex and it’s my job to doll myself up blabla … I’m 7 months postpartum with baby 2 still haven’t
Lost the baby weight actively trying though, my old clothes don’t fit me
So I’m stuck in my gowns for now I can’t afford to buy a new wardrobe I barely have any time to myself I do everything for both kids I do pretty much 95% of the house work and even that 5% he does he leaves half the jobs for me.
I’m crying on the bathroom floor rn feeling like an ugly whale I just feel so low and lonely and I hate this and I’m trying my best not to self harm really struggling idek why I’m writing this here

I just feel he should think il beautiful all the time but apparently he said that’s not normal and all men would say the same

Even if that was the case, which I seriously doubt, being single is still a million times better than being with a man who does fuck all, makes you feel like shit and makes you feel alone and lonely . You’re more independent than you think and doing it all on your own anyway.

You are in an abusive relationship. It’s emotionally abusive as he is deliberately making you feel shit about yourself. .
He’s letting you be exhausted managing kids and home by yourself.

Talking to this man won’t help. He knows exactly what he is doing. He holds you in contempt.

For as long as you stay with him, you need to emotionally detach from him. Stop seeking his praise or validation. Stop begging him for sex. Detach as much as you can.

Build up your own self worth and your own independence in every way you can in your current life. Build up your sense of self and worth. Build your own social connections. Build your own financial independence. Get your name ( just for you and the kids) on council or social housing waiting list. The wait is long so get on now.
Have a long term plan to escape this man who treats you with contempt and enjoys making you feel bad. Doing that makes him feel powerful and in control, but really he is weak. Take back your own control

Thank you for all the advice @MiloMinderbinder925 for the links too.

sitting here with both children havenr had more than 3 hours of sleep whilst he’s laying in bed sleeping, and I’m feeling so emotional at the amount of help I’ve gotten from this thread. Bless you all so much honestly, I feel less alone rn, feel like I can act do it.

@Sadcafe thank you for your insight, I’m glad to know you’re not all the same, and I’m sure your wife appreciates you more than you know. He says that it’s a woman’s job to dress up and make the man feel attracted etc and also her job to run the house and kids

@loongdays this is exactly what I want to do but idk how to stop seeking his validation it’s like everything I do revolves around him I don’t know how I got to this point. I was at one point an absolute social butterfly lots of friends always happy and the life of the party now I’m literally all alone feeling shit all the time, and I constantly turn to him, and he blows hot and cold even on our days out irs like walking on egg shells hel he so happy and then all of a sudden arsey because he’s got and bothered or something.

@WhenYouSayNothingAtAll yiur right I am doing it all alone tbh

What a dinosaur attitude you would be better off single for a while to take stock of your situation and you definitely will find someone who cherishes you.
I could never treat my Dw with such disdain and contempt.
No such thing as it's women's work.
Wishing you all the best for the future and for your children.

Oh my god, you have got to walk away from this man - even without the awful comment about your looks (which no kind and loving husband would say), he's a useless bellend who is going to expect you to do the vast, vast majority of the housework and childcare for the rest of your lives. As someone who is with a good man, I can assure you they exist. Don't put up with this.

Boiled frog technique. I bet it started with a comment here and there, disapproval, isolating you from friends either by comments or keeping you busy (kids, house ) , and of course everything is your fault in some way, you made him do it, if only you were …., chip chip chipping away at your confidence, self esteem and sanity , until your world got really small and revolves around him. This is where you are now, but it’s not where you have to remain.

No, all men would not be like this. He is a nasty prick. It is just a shame there were no indications before you decided to procreate with him … or were there?

Bless you OP. I’m sure it’s been said but don’t let the bastard make you believe that ‘all Men do / say / think this’. They absolutely categorically do not.

You don’t have to stay with one who does, and who runs a risk of teaching Sons how to be an awful partner and Daughters to accept one x

No that’s not normal, many women complain that men are dogs on heat even when they look crap, feel fat etc
He sounds like he’s been looking at Instagram models

He’s an abusive man. He’s spent a long time slowly breaking you down to this point. He’s gradually trained you to only revolve around him and seek his approval. That’s probably what his ‘blowing hot and cold is about’.

You describe how you used to be. Remember that person. She’s still inside you. You can gradually get back to her.

I think it would help you to speak to one of the Domestic Abuse helplines. They’ll understand what you are going through and how you are feeling.

Glad you are rid!
Very very strange how he talked about his daughters body 🤢

Hello @Bella6761 We're so sorry to hear how you're feeling right now - it sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time, and we're really glad you've come to Mumsnet for help.

You're not alone, and there is support available. If you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm or just feeling overwhelmed, please consider speaking to someone as soon as you can. You can contact:
Samaritans (24/7, free): Call 116 123
Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258 for free, confidential support via text at any time.
PANDAS Foundation: For support with postnatal mental health, call 0808 1961 776 (Monday–Sunday, 11am–10pm), or email [email protected].

We'd also strongly advise calling your GP or health visitor to let them know how you're feeling. We also have a Mental Health board where you can talk more about how you're feeling. Please take care of yourself. You deserve kindness, support, and to be treated with respect.

MNHQ

Oh sweetheart. This is an emotionally abusive relationship. You are not crazy. Much of what you've said rings very true with me (exh).

I was a shell of myself for years and everything was my job/my fault. Eventually, far too bloody late, I did manage to leave but it took ages. My then-15 yo dd literally marched me out for a walk one day and said "do you realise how bullied and manipulated you are?". That was the beginning of me trying reclaim my spine. It took ages because he had worn me down so much but I did it.

It's not you. Honestly. Start reading about it (Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? is a good start). Gradually you'll get your strength back. 💐💐💐

Looking at the bigger picture I’d strongly recommend you do the freedom programme, which is a domestic abuse course. I say this because putting someone down and ruining their self esteem is a common domestic abuse tactic to make someone less likely to end a relationship. I’d also recommend you work on your self esteem, so with time you might realise how poor his treatment of you is, that you deserve better and that your attractiveness is not determined by his approval. The book overcoming low self esteem would be a great place to start with that.
In the shorter term next time he brings up the lack of sex tell him you know he likes to make you feel unattractive but he’s not the only one who finds their partner unattractive. Tell him it’s virtually impossible for you to feel attracted to an overgrown man baby who doesn’t offer anything in the home and expects you to take care of him.

The weight you need to lose is your awful husband

What is your housing/job situation?

Do you have family or friends you can confide in?

He sounds a total twat. If you can't get out of this situation just now, stop trying so hard to please him. Have a word with your doc or health visitor. I wonder if you may have postnatal depression. Remember you're worth 10 of him.

Actually sounds like he is using you as a doormat. He's made you feel so bad. Stop clearing up his mess. If he wants to live like that let him. Just see to you and your kids.

Are you near family, can you speak to your mum. Failing that women's aid. This is coercive control

He's horrible

No man on earth is with you harming yourself

Take as good care of your self as you can in the circumstances physically and mentally

Do nothing AT all for that man practically or emotionally

Leave as much baby jobs and dirty jobs to him as toy can and leave him alone with kids when you can
Then when you feel strong enough leave him

Don't beg or cry to him it's not attractive, de center him and pretty much ignore him and focus only on yourself and he will be very attracted so will other men

Jfc

I don't mean to kick you when you're down but why on earth would you settle for this?

Who gives a shit what he says or thinks?! Decide you don't find a man attractive who is archaic, can't support his wife, is lazy, stupid, misogynistic etc. He is simply nowhere near good enough for you.

Enjoy your beautiful children and put ALL of your energy into getting out of this pointless relationship. Maybe you will meet someone amazing, maybe you will have other wonderful adventures. Who knows? But you get one life and your kids won't be little for long. Don't waste anymore time on this loser.

Pick a child to do bedtime with and hand him the other one. Sounds like he does fuck all parenting and you're enabling his laziness by picking up the slack. Or just leave him because it sounds like you're pretty much a single parent now. The lack of sex is just another sign of his contempt for you. It's not all men, but it is yours.

Today he told me that he didn’t explain what me meant properly or I took it wrong, he said he meant that he doesn’t always feel like having sex but if I was dressed up then he would, but he is always attracted to me, at all times.
so idk what to think about that
but the other issues still remain and a lot of you all have said about his contempt for me and that is just in my head atm

If he is interested in repairing the relationship he needs to talk calmly with you (and ideally with the support of a therapist) about how the work of family life is shared, then how you both show and feel affection, then how to keep the spark alive. It can’t be just about sex and it can’t be all up to you to meet his expectations; it has to be collaborative. Continuing with a very unequal split in childcare etc (unless that’s what you explicitly agreed and there’s value and respect and gratitude for it) will likely lead to resentment and a further deterioration of your relationship.