Feel so horrible AIBU - is this all men?

[Bella6761]

Basically had a row with him because we hardly ever have sex and he said maybe I should put effort into the way I look to make him want to have sex and it’s my job to doll myself up blabla … I’m 7 months postpartum with baby 2 still haven’t
Lost the baby weight actively trying though, my old clothes don’t fit me
So I’m stuck in my gowns for now I can’t afford to buy a new wardrobe I barely have any time to myself I do everything for both kids I do pretty much 95% of the house work and even that 5% he does he leaves half the jobs for me.
I’m crying on the bathroom floor rn feeling like an ugly whale I just feel so low and lonely and I hate this and I’m trying my best not to self harm really struggling idek why I’m writing this here

I just feel he should think il beautiful all the time but apparently he said that’s not normal and all men would say the same

I am so sorry, that's rotten. Some men don't seem to understand that simply to be able to manage, we need more emotional and practical support after babies are born. Passing remarks on the way you look is lousy, my dear dis the same. They don't seem to understand that if and when they divorce themselves from the ground zero work of having a very young family, they are permanently less attractive.

You will lose weight and feel good about yourself, but right now, if he wants intimacy he needs to come into your world and take care of you. Dressing up like Barbie after a long day with small children is a special kind of hell.

Only you can decide what the future looks like, but I do hope he starts helping you.

You deserve better.

💐They always say "All men do this..." it's a form of manipulation. It sounds like your relationship has run its course and he's treating you with contempt. Is there anyone you can go to for some TLC?

Just reread your OP. Please don't harm yourself, you deserve so much better x

@Dingledangledong
i hope you are not feeling the same way either, it’s horrible when they just think life is so easy because it is for them quite frankly.

im be honest i did end up doing it i relapsed and i feel really horrible now idk what to feel anymore tbh I just am sick of feeling altogether
i love my kids and i wish i had somewhere to go but im stuck i dont.
My husband seems to think that he is so attractive and that it’s just me that needs to put in the effort. I have begged for dates for romantic gestures for cute messages more help around
the house picking his things up but I can’t get any of that, and on top of kids he can’t even do bedtime with any of them I do it for both running from baby to toddler it’s just draining. I’m just so so tired
and I feel bad for feeling tired because I love
kids they’re my reason

@MiloMinderbinder925
when I say no it’s not normal and a man should find his wife beautiful all the time apparently that isn’t true and what I see on social media is fake idg it but whatever he says and sees is true
and not really no I don’t even have a second free he can’t watch the kids alone so I don’t get any me time, I realised I married the wrong man tbh it’s all my fault. He sold me a a dream based on lies I was naive enough to believe him, are all men the same or am I unlucky

Tbh ive had 4 surgeries 2 c sections, the second one involving issue too, and 1 gallbladder removal and I am just not the same I can never be.
my hair has thinned so much, I know I’m not attractive anymore but I don’t think there’s anything I can do. Yes I can lose weight but besides that I still will look like me and I don’t think that’s enough anymore

It's not all men, but I'm sorry that it's yours. Please seek help for the self-harming, and as soon as you feel strong enough, make plans to leave your husband.

All that is important is to be healthy for you and your baby.

Please just look after yourself and your baby.

He sounds like a selfish twat. Ditch him.

Thank you guys
I am trying and will continue to, sometimes you just need to hear other people to know your not crazy

You're not crazy. He, however, is a piece of shit for how he treats you.

You’re not crazy.

It’s normal to age, it’s normal to gain weight when you have babies, it’s normal that stress and tiredness also change how you look… it’s also normal to love the mother of your children - the person you’re building a life with and share so much history with.

Attraction can certainly vary through a long relationship, ups and downs just like everything else, but the sort of demanding and demeaning behaviour you’re experiencing from him is not acceptable and it’s definitely not all men.

It sucks but imagine the outcry on here if a man wanted to have sex with a postpartum woman and she didn’t fancy him. You’d all be telling her to kick him into touch.

what he said was out of line but equally stop pushing him for sex if he doesn’t want it

OP, having a child can put you in a vulnerable position. Your wellbeing can decline and you can become dependent on somebody else even if you weren't before. If that person is an unstable source to fix your emotions to, you will be left feeling rocky all the time.

Your partner is deliberately trying to demean you at a time you are vulnerable and need some support. He can never bring you stability or validation so you need to not try to get it from him anymore.

The only person who can make you strong is yourself. Try and work to become emotionally, mentally and financially independent from him for yourself and the children. Then make a decision about whether you actually need him in your life.

My ex never wanted sex. He said it was his medical issues. Seemed to me that he was fine to roll around on the grass play fighting his large dog. He had no struggles telling me his adult daughter was attractive and telling me about her body and outfits. He also nearly broke his neck looking at blondes. He also flirted with anything with a pulse and needed his ego fed. He was eventually diagnosed with bpd.

There's never a reason that you are to blame. These sort of men are mentally abusive, I left him in the end and I'm alot lighter

OP I’m really sorry to hear about your self-harm. Please try your best to stay healthy for your gorgeous babies - do reach out for professional help from nhs on self/harm, your GP would be a good starting point.

Your husband sounds worse than useless. What sort of rubbish man can’t watch his own kids?! To put it into context, I had to travel for work for a week and DH coped fine with our 2 year old.

but your husband also makes you feel bad and drags you down rather than supporting you and lifting you up. You deserve SO much better!

In your shoes I’d stop worrying about trying to make him think you’re attractive. Frankly, his opinion isn’t important anymore as he’s a useless person. Focus entirely on getting your mental and physical health in order and looking after your babies. Then, when you’re strong enough, you can leave and get the life and happiness you deserve.

wishing you all the best, OP.

This is the issue. I’d be much more concerned by how useless he is as a husband than about how attractive you are. I wouldn’t want to have sex with him. Why would I?

You need to have a serious talk to him about hoods lack of help and effort. These are his kids, his house, and he should put in 50% effort when he’s not at work.

Based on his response, you can decide what you want to do and how you want your life to look.

Good luck 💐

My you've been through the mill with surgeries and contending with children and all that entails.
He should have empathy and thoughtfulness for you and help you.
But nah doll yourself up and never mind anything else what an utter prick.
You definitely deserve better.

Of course all men aren't the same, you've lumbered yourself with a lazy, selfish, cruel one.

Someone who loves you doesn't treat you like that OP. Someone who loves you thinks you're the bees knees and shares the load.

It's not you, love - it's him. He's the one who should be lifting you up and supporting you and instead he is demeaning you. Not all men are like that, just the lousy ones.

He could be male model of the year and he'd still be unattractive with a personality like his, the lazy selfish prick.

I’m afraid the brutal truth is you picked a bad bloke. Mine looked after me well when I had our DC, and from what I can see, my DB, BIL and male cousins and friends also cared for their wives.

He’s disgusting, quite frankly. You’re going to need to work on your self-esteem and your finances because unless he has a rapid change of attitude and behaviour you will need to end this relationship.

Sweetheart, you need a long term plan, because this is unlikely to get any better. As you said, you married the wrong man and he won’t change. Don’t beat yourself up - instead start ‘putting your ducks in a row’.

Start by addressing your compulsion to self harm. See your GP, get counselling, seek out support groups.

Work on your self worth - The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a good start.

Start saving a bit of money. Get small sums of cashback and put it in an ISA.

Plan to get back to work as soon as is feasible and redouble your efforts to save and become financially independent.

Keep copies of all financial paperwork - his P60s, pension, bank statements, etc

Start educating yourself about the divorce process, particularly division of assets - Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites.

Once you feel ready, see a competent family solicitor and file for divorce.

This must seem an insurmountable task right now, but you’ll get there, one day at a time.

Thanks all for your replies, I know there’s a lot I need to work on to get myself to a position where I can actually change something in my life, for some reason though I feel like if I leave him I won’t ever find anyone else to love me, idk he’s my only ever relationship I don’t know nothing besides him it’s all just a lot atm. But it’s good to know that not all men r like this because I was genuinely starting to believe that was the case

@Enrichetta that was really helpful and I think you are 100% right that I need to get stuff sorted, I’ve never been independent and I need to start with that I believe x

You can find lots of information here:

Citizens Advice
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Turn2us
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Gingerbread
www.gingerbread.org.uk/

As a male, I’d like to categorically state that this is not all men, DW never lost her baby weight, never “ dolled herself up” in her life and I wouldn’t expect her to. Why should you have to put all the effort in when, and I’m reading between the lines here, it sounds as if he does very little to help. Apologies from the male half of the population for you having such an arse for a partner