Should I leave ?

[VenusJupiter]

I am considering leaving due to what I think is emotional abuse. DC is nearly 3 months. Hopefully I have somewhere to go soon and it will be alot of upheaval.

Basically DD said if I don't submit to what he wants then leave.. He keeps complaining that I am not working just now because we'll DC needs me. He pays all the bills and I contribute where I can as I'm on statutory maternity pay. Luckily I have parents that are well off, but mum has taken his side. Basically he has been talking to my mum behind my back after I gave birth saying I'm depressed and that I'm horrible to him. Yes I have been extra needy and hormonal, but I thought that was normal? He never shows empathy and says if I want affection I need to earn it.
My mum I feel really came between us and I think will feel ashamed if I leave him, but I can't take it anymore. He already punched a picture of us. He also says I have no right to question him about anything ever. Also he leaves me at home working two jobs, but still complains bills are high and he has no money. My parents have helped out lots with DC buying supplies etc. His family never gave one thing to DC, but I don't expect anything.

How can he treat me this way? I think it's clear he doesn't love me. It was a rocky road prior to this.

Have confided in health visitor and been asked to contact WA and also been referred to other organisations.

Sorry forgot to add that before things got really bad he contacted the GP with "concerns" that I was mishandling DC . Yes I'm a first time mum and hadn't experience dressing babies that I forgot to undo buttons at the back of her clothes. He said I strangled her in the process. Also said I nearly choked her with her milk . There was something else , but can't recall just now.

Social services dropped it and didn't take it on at all when I had a chat with the GP.

I just feel when I leave that he will use her as a tool to hurt me.

Yes you should. He’s disgusting. Your mother should be supporting you not him.

Super abusive - leave as soon as possible and consider applying for a protection order.

Hello and thank you for taking the time to reply.
Yes he has completely done a number on my own mother. She handed him an envelope of money last week to help pay towards cost of flights for our holiday to visit her and my dad at their holiday home abroad. Alot of friends said my mother should have given that envelope to me. I asked him for the money and sent it back to my father because I don't see why my parents should be paying. He works hard and should be able to afford it until I return to work. My mum also complains that my dad doesn't give her money as he retired ( dad overtly cautious due to current financial climate).

DD became even worse due to me not accepting the money and previously he kept going on about how my parents should be helping us out financially . DD also said I need to "earn it" if I ever want a marriage proposal, but I know now he will never do that and no way do I want even more problems being married to him.

DD also proudly told me how his friend's wife earns more and pays for practically everything along with her family for their family set up.

I'm so exhausted .

I'm trying to come up with a plan and that is to move out, engage with WA + other organisations. I'm thinking to only have police involvement if WA advise and also if he steps out of line when I'm living alone with DC.

I don't know if this is a good plan ? Any advise please 🙏

Sorry forgot to add that my mother said that if I leave and try to take DC away from him that she will stand up in a court of law to defend him that he is a good dad etc.

I have yesterday and today started to secretly record everything confessions etc.

My dad is however on my side and sees through him. My dad is quiet and observant. He has clicked as to what he is like.

My dad said he will stand by my side.

DD told me in the beginning to only deal with our problems together yet he went and spoke to my mum with 'concern'.

Anyway I see him for what he is for now and truly feel he will use our daughter as a tool to hurt me. He did apply for a passport for her without me being present. I am unaware if my details were used during the application process. He has been sneaky and hid the passport from me. He said I can't have it when I leave . Don't know what to do in regards to that?

Sorry I'm going on ... only safe place to vent

Thank you xx

Report DDs passport as missing and it will be cancelled. Your mum and DH sound awful. Get your dad to help you leave this horrible man. Shame on your mum

Sorry, what is DD?

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, that is a good idea . I will do that.

Yes , he is cold and calculating. Very disturbing.
Tonight he turned our 3 month old DD's head like a ventriloquist dummy when he was trying burp her after her bottle. He raised his voice telling her not to spit up and turned her head forcefully with his hands to wipe her mouth.

DD and DH mumsnet abbreviations . There's an abbreviation list on the website x

There is. But Dd is daughter.

You keep saying DD - do you mean DP? He sounds awful, and the fact that he expects you to “earn” a marriage proposal is a huge red flag - just who does he think he is? If he loves you, he would want to ask you to marry him - he sounds like a terrible controlling gaslighting unkind partner. Forget what your mother thinks: you need to do what is best for you, OP, and I’m not seeing this man in either yours or your DD’s future.

I’m presuming you mean DP. He sounds horrific - the cold and calculated things make him a real threat to you and your baby. Please make sure you get as much professional support as possible while leaving him. WA can help you here. He sounds the type to take the baby and refuse to bring her back. Not because he wants her but to hurt you. You will need to tread carefully to keep yourself and your baby safe. Make sure you delete your browsing history on here and have tag notifications turned off so you don’t get emails linking to this thread.

Sorry I type so fast ...
I'm fine that he doesn't check my phone and wouldn't even know my pass code either.
Yes , that's exactly what he will do is use her as a tool to hurt me.
The red flag was there all along with what he was saying to the GP and everytime I questioned anything about anything he would say I still have a pregnancy brain and that I need help because I'm asking the same question again ( sorry I'm easily distracted with baby and have to ask questions again sometimes) . He said I need medication... He even said in front of the health visitor if there was any medication I could take... He was brainwashing my mother saying I have postnatal depression plus filling the GPs heads.
Health visitor has been great only coming out to see us when he is at work. GP believed what I was going through. He is desperate to try and get me medicated by constantly saying I am sick ( because I won't submit to his will).
He told me to submit or leave ( definitely leaving) and he said I can take our DC with me . I just pray he doesn't want her , I think that would be the best thing ever , because I don't see how I can co parent with somebody like this - no way.

I'm here just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racin' heart is just the same
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say I do
Give everything to you
But I can never now be true
So I say
I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feelin' weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now

You say you’re not married. Is his name on your baby’s birth certificate?
Your situation sounds very abusive and like he is manipulating you.

Yes, his name is on the birth certificate. Oh how I regret it now...., but here I am.

He is very manipulative . He has recently hidden the passport that I knew nothing about and also her birth certificate.

He told me to submit or leave

If any man said that to me all you'd hear is a sonic boom as I broke the sound barrier running away.

He sounds utterly repulsive. Pls say your daughter has your surname not his. Is he on the birth certificate?

You need to be as far away from him as possible and get support from your dad. No baby needs to be around a controlling arsehole.

He is incredibly abusive OP and is manipulating all sorts around you whilst trying to control you entirely. He's trying to make you believe you are losing it and then smearing your name so no one believes you. I know it's a word people don't want to keep seeing, this is however typical narcissistic abuse.

Your mum is not to be trusted in any way OP. I know that's so hard on top of everything you're dealing with. I don't believe she has been brainwashed. I believe your mum has a similar personality type to your husband. I believe she always has. I believe you are now seeing what she is capable of because her and husband together are bringing out aspects of their worst narcissistic personality traits. ( My mum would do things behind my back to ingratiate with my now ex. My own brother would phone him up and shit stir). I'm now no fucking contact with my family.

I believe your mum is abusive and you've subconsciously ended up with a partner to mirror her - only in different ways. She will be enabling a huge amount behind the scenes. Be very careful of her.

You can't tell your mother anything at all. I believe she will tell him.

I'm wondering how trustworthy your dad is. Is there scope to set up an independent bank account, tell not a single person. Is your dad willing to drop a large amount in that bank account for you to help you escape this. And can he be trusted not to tell your mum?

Don't underestimate what he is doing or could do to spy on you. Instal DUCK DUCK GO on your phone. It's a search engine that can't be traced or linked to Google in another account for example.

Yes you are right to leave, but be careful how you do it, get thorough advice from WA and anyone legal they point you to first. I left someone who would talk me down to people and he went straight to social services, my GP, court and Cafcass with lies and false accusations and ended up with 50/50 childcare.

I completely agree with everything you say and no I do not trust my mother one bit. I would like it if my daughter is never left in the company of my mother.
Yes both are narcissistic and my mum is very dim and too trusting. I big motivating factor for her is how this looks to the outside world that i want to leave him.
I am terrified they conspire and my daughter is taken away from me.
Just for the record DP is Nigerian ( became a British citizen before meeting me), mum is also foreign and thinks he is just perfect because he is educated , handsome and so hands on with DD. I feel he will bore of her eventually or hurt her when she starts to talk as she will be "disrespectful" in his eyes.
I fear every day for her.
We are not married and I'm starting to see everything with him is financial ( money obessessed). He has accused me of using him... hmm really!
He constantly works and I'm home alone with DD. He never takes us anywhere. I get the silent treatment when things don't go his way, I'm not allowed to question anything, I have to earn back the love, he constantly brings up things from my past ( that my mother told him when he triangulated me), DD is exclusively formula fed as he really tried to stop me breastfeeding ( probably hoping I could get back to work sooner ), the list goes on.....

The only thing I have are recordings on my phone where he shouts at me and where he confesses to what he has done. Also where he says what he expects of me...

He is just unpredictable and the mood of the day depends on him. Also, at times it's impossible to have a conversation with him as he stares in the mirror admiring himself calling himself 'sweet'.
He will be holding his DD and shouting at me and when I try to take her off of him he refuses to hand her over. Also during silent treatment times he loves to kiss her and say " look mummy's jealous " . Really sick behaviour . I just want to keep her safe. She sleeps with me all the time now because he 'needs' to work all the time.
Also let me add in that he sends money to his family , so yes I don't think we are his number 1 priority. I don't think he is married or has other children. Starting to see it's highly unlikely as he has sought alot of advice from his awful bossy eldest sister who I hope to never spend even a nano second with again. Bless his youngest one she has a good heart , but it's so ingrained in her to be a 'good wife'...

Ok, OP, if you read back all this - it's horrific.

The issues will be custody and what he might play at here. I would absolutely be calling Women's Aid for advice on each step going forward.

We tend to underestimate,minimise and severely downplay the level of abuse we are enduring. That's what you're doing OP.

This situation and what you are enduring is seriously abusive.

I hope you have someone, not connected to them, who you can trust. Your dad may very well be a victim of your mum. Sounds like he is. But he's still there with her so although he might not intentionally want to hurt you, he could be indiscrete and land you in it with the ex finding things out.

Please call Women's Aid. This is a really incredibly abusive dynamic you're in. Ask for specific advice regarding moving forward here especially if he is likely to pursue custody or 50/50.

He won't want that in reality. But many do threaten or try pursue it fir control. Your mum will definitely cause problems on that one.

Yes I have a feeling he won't want full custody , but my fear is if he sends her abroad and that will be a smack in the face to my mother because I have warned and warned her , but she is in la la land.
Yes mum tries to control dad , but dad has the power . She is only mouth. My dad controls the finances and keeps mum in the dark although she has never gone without and always has been given what she wants. Most of all my dad RESPECTS her. I have a sister who has listened to my mum and has jumped on the I need medicating bandwagon. She is a single mother as ex turned into a high functioning alcoholic . Lovely guy and total empath. He was working , cleaning the house, cooking... I have an estranged relationship with sis. Mother played us when growing up. Very sad. Can't trust my mum with any info. If she hates you she will use it against you.

DP has hidden birth certificate and passport of DC.

Sorry forgot to thank you for taking the time to reply. It's great to know others out there have experienced similar. It's awful