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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband Didn’t Come Home to Take Me to the Hospital — Am I Overreacting?

41 replies

Nelin · 20/06/2025 17:53

Hi everyone

Last Saturday, I went to the gym while my husband went to his work’s summer party. I was doing squats and hurt my back (for the first time in years). I literally heard a “crack” on my lower back, I stopped working out immediately. It hurt a lot and I could barely walk, bend over, or do anything. I went home and told my husband early in the evening, and he initially showed concern. He asked if I needed anything, told me to rest, and said we could go to the doctor on Monday. At that point, I didn’t ask for anything immediately, thinking the pain might ease.

But later in the night, things got worse. I couldn’t move or get up from the couch; I had to use my arms to lift myself. I was very scared, thinking the worst. It hurt regardless of whether I was sitting or not.

So I told my husband that I really wanted to go to the hospital because I couldn’t move, and I asked what time the work party he was at would finish. He replied, saying probably around 11 PM.

I expressed that I felt he wasn’t taking my situation seriously and that I would go to the hospital by myself. Then, he offered to come home and take me. I said yes. After that, he didn’t respond for over 3 hours. He didn’t answer my calls either. He just disappeared until the moment he got home drunk.

He arrived at home around 1 AM, acting normal, like nothing had happened, saying “Hi baby.” I asked “why didn’t you come home to help me go to the doctor?” He said “doctor? What doctor? Did you call me?”
I got extremely mad and disappointed. If the tables were turned, I would have come home right away to help him.
(On weekends, only the emergency room is open here in our country. During the week, we usually go to the family doctor’s clinic).

After a few days I went to talk to him (I was waiting for him to take initiative). He said he had put his phone to charge and lost track of time, stayed to help clean up, and then went with colleagues to an afterparty before coming home but that he didn’t stayed longer. He also said he didn’t think my pain was that serious(maybe bc I had a very bad cramp in my leg few weeks ago during working out as well).

Now I feel confused. he’s caring and helpful. He makes food for me, drives me to work, supports me financially…

I’m struggling to understand if I’m overreacting, or if this behavior is a real red flag.

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 20/06/2025 17:55

Um yes he’s a monumental prick and he’s not even sorry he treated you like that.

Based on this once incident I summarise he doesn’t care for or respect you in the slightest and thinks you’ll put up with it.

Will you ?

TheAvidWriter · 20/06/2025 18:01

I get why you are asking yourself if you are overreacting seeing how he is caring most of the time.

What sticks out to me though is how he has explained away the reasons why, like he got drunk but was sober enough to help clear things up at an after party? He put the phone on charge? REALLY?

My ex used the exact excuses and he was meddling with another woman. Not saying that is the case here, but he prioratised some work event, came up with excuses and was drunk when he rolled in finally. I would be fuming but also, sadly, realise that when someone shows you who they are, believe them, he is showing you, so treat lightly around his words.

Original poster
Nelin · 20/06/2025 18:02

Nelin · 20/06/2025 17:53

Hi everyone

Last Saturday, I went to the gym while my husband went to his work’s summer party. I was doing squats and hurt my back (for the first time in years). I literally heard a “crack” on my lower back, I stopped working out immediately. It hurt a lot and I could barely walk, bend over, or do anything. I went home and told my husband early in the evening, and he initially showed concern. He asked if I needed anything, told me to rest, and said we could go to the doctor on Monday. At that point, I didn’t ask for anything immediately, thinking the pain might ease.

But later in the night, things got worse. I couldn’t move or get up from the couch; I had to use my arms to lift myself. I was very scared, thinking the worst. It hurt regardless of whether I was sitting or not.

So I told my husband that I really wanted to go to the hospital because I couldn’t move, and I asked what time the work party he was at would finish. He replied, saying probably around 11 PM.

I expressed that I felt he wasn’t taking my situation seriously and that I would go to the hospital by myself. Then, he offered to come home and take me. I said yes. After that, he didn’t respond for over 3 hours. He didn’t answer my calls either. He just disappeared until the moment he got home drunk.

He arrived at home around 1 AM, acting normal, like nothing had happened, saying “Hi baby.” I asked “why didn’t you come home to help me go to the doctor?” He said “doctor? What doctor? Did you call me?”
I got extremely mad and disappointed. If the tables were turned, I would have come home right away to help him.
(On weekends, only the emergency room is open here in our country. During the week, we usually go to the family doctor’s clinic).

After a few days I went to talk to him (I was waiting for him to take initiative). He said he had put his phone to charge and lost track of time, stayed to help clean up, and then went with colleagues to an afterparty before coming home but that he didn’t stayed longer. He also said he didn’t think my pain was that serious(maybe bc I had a very bad cramp in my leg few weeks ago during working out as well).

Now I feel confused. he’s caring and helpful. He makes food for me, drives me to work, supports me financially…

I’m struggling to understand if I’m overreacting, or if this behavior is a real red flag.

injured my back **

OP posts:
Everyoneseemssadnow · 20/06/2025 18:03

Im sorry OP but he has shown he doesn't give a damn about you and your welfare.

Aimtodobetter · 20/06/2025 18:04

I think you’re overreacting if this is one incident when he had at least impaired judgement from alcohol and if it’s not consistent with his usual approach.

Catoo · 20/06/2025 18:09

Sounds like a selfish prick.

However he was out drinking and as unfortunate timing as that was, I think you should have gone to the hospital in a taxi and let him know. He wouldn’t have been able to drive and he could maybe have met you there.

No idea why you waited so many days to raise it. Especially after his pathetic attempt to gaslight pretending he didn’t remember your call.

How is your back? Did you get it looked at?

Has he been so uncaring and dismissive before when you needed him?

Pollqueen · 20/06/2025 18:15

I disagree. You say he's usually great. It was a work party and you'd only hurt your back so resting flat on it, taking ibuprofen and paracetamol would have seen you through to the next day. Unless you broke it

BendingSpoons · 20/06/2025 18:20

It sounds like he thought you were overreacting and he didn't want to miss out. Based on what you have written, it doesn't sound that serious to me. Painful yes, but not really needing to go in as an emergency.

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/06/2025 18:21

Well yes it’s not great is it but do you have form for being ill and needing his help on occasions when he’s out or otherwise occupied?

Comedycook · 20/06/2025 18:22

That's awful op...he really let you down

MauriceTheMussel · 20/06/2025 18:22

I think he’s a dick and whilst I’m in no way blaming you, in your shoes, I would have outright said “you need to come home right now and help me”

Original poster
Nelin · 20/06/2025 18:26

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/06/2025 18:21

Well yes it’s not great is it but do you have form for being ill and needing his help on occasions when he’s out or otherwise occupied?

No. This has never happened before. I have never had to go to the emergency room. I was just scared because it was a back injury. Something that has never happened to me before. He always goes to work parties without any interruption from me

OP posts:
Original poster
Nelin · 20/06/2025 18:26

Catoo · 20/06/2025 18:09

Sounds like a selfish prick.

However he was out drinking and as unfortunate timing as that was, I think you should have gone to the hospital in a taxi and let him know. He wouldn’t have been able to drive and he could maybe have met you there.

No idea why you waited so many days to raise it. Especially after his pathetic attempt to gaslight pretending he didn’t remember your call.

How is your back? Did you get it looked at?

Has he been so uncaring and dismissive before when you needed him?

waited because I wanted him to come to me and apologize. But that didn’t happen. He kept acting like everything was normal, so I talked to him once my anger had passed.
I went to the doctor alone the next day. It turned out to be a Back injury (not serious), but I got a five-day medical leave.

He’s never done anything like this before, that’s why I was so shocked. I would’ve imagined he’d be really worried — he usually gets concerned even over a pimple.
But there’s been infidelity on his part, so I guess things just start to pile up.

I should’ve gone to the doctor that same day, but we were talking the whole time during the party — and then when I needed him, he disappeared.
Thanks for replying.

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 20/06/2025 18:27

Pollqueen · 20/06/2025 18:15

I disagree. You say he's usually great. It was a work party and you'd only hurt your back so resting flat on it, taking ibuprofen and paracetamol would have seen you through to the next day. Unless you broke it

This. Sounds like you pulled or cracked something, we’ve all done it and I don’t think it’s in any way an emergency. What did the medical professionals say? Is there a backstory where you’ve asked him to leave events before?

ginasevern · 20/06/2025 18:29

Unless there's some massive drip feed, I'd let this go. You say he's caring and a good DH. He makes food for you, drives you to work and supports you financially. You back problem doesn't sound like a medical emergency and I doubt there's much they could do except recommend rest and pain relief. It was your DH's works summer party and unless he goes out all the time, it would've have been a great pity to miss it for little to no point.

DiscoBob · 20/06/2025 18:29

I personally think you should've made your own way to the hospital. Either in an ambulance or taxi. I mean if it really was an emergency why didn't you just go anyway when he came back drunk? In an emergency you just go straight to the hospital.

I think he didn't want to miss out on his party and didn't believe it was a life threatening emergency. The way he gaslighted you was off though. But if he's usually lovely I'd probably not let it bother me for long.

Surely he is now somewhat sympathetic now that you've found out how serious the injury was?

ERthree · 20/06/2025 18:44

Maybe he thought you were just trying to spoil his night out. You managed to get yourself home from the gym, he asked if you were ok and was there anything he could do and you said no.

Original poster
Nelin · 20/06/2025 18:48

ERthree · 20/06/2025 18:44

Maybe he thought you were just trying to spoil his night out. You managed to get yourself home from the gym, he asked if you were ok and was there anything he could do and you said no.

Then I let him know when I really needed help, and the pain got worse few hours later, that’s why I panicked, I couldn’t move. But thanks!

OP posts:
Tangelablue · 20/06/2025 18:51

If he had come back early it doesn't sound like he would be sober enough to drive you to the hospital would he? Have you had your back checked out?

Whatveudone4melately · 20/06/2025 18:57

I think most people have missed this or cross posted :

But there’s been infidelity on his part, so I guess things just start to pile up

Do you worry about the possibility he was with another woman at the work party or at least flirting with a coworker?

If he has cheated on you before he’s shown himself to be not such a great or loyal or considerate guy so this isn’t as out of character as you first stated.

Do you mind saying what were the circumstances of his infidelity? Was it an affair or ONS or a co-worker ?

pikkumyy77 · 20/06/2025 18:57

You don’t have enough information to determine whether he “doesn’t care about you” or is just an idiot. My DH absolutely would have come home from a works party as soon as I called him. But perhaps yours would not. Only you can determine the meaning of this. But contra all the mumsnet chill wives and party hearty types “it was a works do” and therefore sacrosanct is not how I look at it. He didn’t need to stay there after you called and asked for help.

Hairyfairy01 · 20/06/2025 19:01

Was there no one else you could call to take you? I think it depends on the situation really. If you have family or close friends living nearby I would have asked them first. I guess if you had no one else then fair enough, but i don’t really see the point in 2 people sitting in ED.

Digdongdoo · 20/06/2025 19:02

I actually think it's fine that he didn't rush home from a work even for a sore back, that in end waited for the next day.
But I suspect the issue is that he's a cheat and you can't trust him. You wanted him to come home so he couldn't be cheating. You need to scrap him because you'll never be able to trust him.

harriethoyle · 20/06/2025 19:07

So when you went to the doctor what was their diagnosis?

WalkingaroundJardine · 20/06/2025 19:10

Was the cheating recent? It sounded like he was keen for the back treatment to be deferred to Monday and just to give you everything you needed before he left to go where he was going.

I can understand your anxiety in that case especially with his unconvincing litany of excuses as to why he didn’t come home when you were in a lot of pain, He’s your husband, not a random housemate.