My Husband Didn’t Come Home to Take Me to the Hospital — Am I Overreacting?

[Nelin]

Hi everyone

Last Saturday, I went to the gym while my husband went to his work’s summer party. I was doing squats and hurt my back (for the first time in years). I literally heard a “crack” on my lower back, I stopped working out immediately. It hurt a lot and I could barely walk, bend over, or do anything. I went home and told my husband early in the evening, and he initially showed concern. He asked if I needed anything, told me to rest, and said we could go to the doctor on Monday. At that point, I didn’t ask for anything immediately, thinking the pain might ease.

But later in the night, things got worse. I couldn’t move or get up from the couch; I had to use my arms to lift myself. I was very scared, thinking the worst. It hurt regardless of whether I was sitting or not.

So I told my husband that I really wanted to go to the hospital because I couldn’t move, and I asked what time the work party he was at would finish. He replied, saying probably around 11 PM.

I expressed that I felt he wasn’t taking my situation seriously and that I would go to the hospital by myself. Then, he offered to come home and take me. I said yes. After that, he didn’t respond for over 3 hours. He didn’t answer my calls either. He just disappeared until the moment he got home drunk.

He arrived at home around 1 AM, acting normal, like nothing had happened, saying “Hi baby.” I asked “why didn’t you come home to help me go to the doctor?” He said “doctor? What doctor? Did you call me?”
I got extremely mad and disappointed. If the tables were turned, I would have come home right away to help him.
(On weekends, only the emergency room is open here in our country. During the week, we usually go to the family doctor’s clinic).

After a few days I went to talk to him (I was waiting for him to take initiative). He said he had put his phone to charge and lost track of time, stayed to help clean up, and then went with colleagues to an afterparty before coming home but that he didn’t stayed longer. He also said he didn’t think my pain was that serious(maybe bc I had a very bad cramp in my leg few weeks ago during working out as well).

Now I feel confused. he’s caring and helpful. He makes food for me, drives me to work, supports me financially…

I’m struggling to understand if I’m overreacting, or if this behavior is a real red flag.

So the real issue is the infidelity and not that you’d put your back out?
Sudden back pain, without any trauma in an otherwise fit person, and from the information you’ve given, not needing to care for a child or elderly person, doesn’t sound like a medical emergency to me.
But perhaps you are viewing this as a test of loyalty.

Good luck with pregnancy and postpartum with this tosser

Have I missed an essential update?

there’s been infidelity on his part

Aaaaand there's the drip feed. If you'd included that in your OP, the responses might have been different.

i think you're focusing on the wrong issue here. He's cheated on you before and you can't trust that he won't cheat on you again. Whenever he's out without you, there will always be some part of you that's terrified he's cheating.

He's already lied to you about that night and of course you feel uneasy about it, because he's lied to you before.

LTB, because you can't trust him or feel secure in your relationship.

I hope your back is better, btw.

This. I’m confused by all the negative comments tbh. What use would he have been if he was out drinking, anyway? He could hardly drive you to the hospital.

So he has let you down regarding remaning faithful to you.

He has let you down with what you consider an emergency.
(You are wanting proof whether this is in fact an emergency, so you can confirm that.)

His next test will be loyalty.

I've got a feeling you know this man will keep failing tests and letting you down.

People rarely change who they are.

I dunno. I mean a bad back is painful but you aren't "unwell" so that you need your partner with you, especially a drunk partner. I would have found this rather needy if I was out and DH rang to say he had a bad back from the gym and could I come home and accompany him to hospital (esp as we'd have to get a taxi as I wouldn't have been fit to drive). Completely different from DH ringing me to say he has chest pain/feels like he might die/ has fallen down stairs and broken his legs.

The way I look at it if you really need to go to A and E in those circumstances, you go. If you aren't going to go unless DH comes home from a party and accompanies you (because he certainly can't drive you,) then you don't need to go.

I see you 'mentioned' infidelity

Why are you still with him?

I think you are over-reacting to him not coming straight back from the party. He wouldn't have been able to drive you to A&E and if you had thought you needed to go you could have called a taxi, a local friend or got a taxi. My DH would have been as much use as a chocolate teapot to sit, drunk, in A&E with me in similar circumstances. If he was home by 11 and you had spoken to him twice in the evening then you can't have been alone for hours and hours.

I don't know if he was lying about the phone charging and not remembering the doctor conversation. Are you more concerned about the possibility of him lying to you about this than him not racing back to you from the party?

I someone drinks and they're at a party and you need urgent medical care ..... could have gone by Taxi

If

I appreciate all the opinions. However, at the moment I got hurt, I couldn’t assess how serious the situation was, because I was scared—I couldn’t walk or even get up from the couch due to the pain (which got worse over time - The doctor gave me a five-day sick note). The pain I felt in my back was very different from a simple cramp.
My husband and I had been talking all night, and as soon as he offered to help me, he disappeared.
If it were your husband calling you for help to go to the hospital, would you first analyze how serious the situation is? Would you stop to think twice before helping him? Wonder whether he deserves help, or whether he’s in enough pain for you to assist him? Or would you simply help your husband immediately because you love and care about him?
Or would you treat your husband the way mine treated me—and find that normal? Would you offer your husband help and then disappear for three hours, without even knowing how serious the situation was?
It doesn’t matter whether it turned out to be serious or not—luckily it wasn’t—but in that moment, yes, it was a hospital matter! He wasn’t drunk while we were talking, but he chose to get drunk after he vanished.
I think the least he could’ve done was call me—instead of disappearing.
I live in his country and he’s the only person I have to count on.
I didn’t react this way because I’m afraid he might cheat on me again. I’m sure he’s not having an affair at work—he cares too much about his reputation for that.
I just found his behavior cold. Who here could say for sure whether it was just a back injury or something more serious?
At the very least, I would be concerned if my husband suddenly needed to go to the hospital—instead of continuing to drink, disappearing, and going to an after party.

You are in a very vulnerable position OP. You moved to your DH's home country so you have no support network there. You don't currently work so you rely on him financially and you have said that he has been unfaithful.

His behaviour when you asked him to come home and take you to hospital was completely unacceptable.

I would start planning to move back to your home country. I would feel very vulnerable staying with him in his home country with no-one else for you to turn to when things go bad.

But you didn't suddenly need to go to hospital. Otherwise you would have gone without him. He rightly judged that it wasn't urgent enough to leave a work event for, probably could have handled it better, but thats alcohol for you. The problem you have is that you are always going to question his loyalty. You were testing him and he failed. He let you down before, and you can't trust him not to do it again.

"I live in his country and he’s the only person I have to count on."

Do you have children?
If not, leave him and move back to your home country.
Never sacrifice that for someone who has cheated on you.

Not quite the same but a friend of mine has a pretty similar husband.
She sustained a neck injury a couple of weeks back (dueing the evening) and wanted to go to hospital to have it checked. He persuaded her to leave it until the morning. When the morning came she was worse but again he fobbed her off and then went to work. She ended up getting a friend to take her to hospital and discovered she'd cracked a bone at the top of her back.