DP & ‘his ways’

Mantii24 · 2025-06-20T14:06:27+00:00

Moved in with DP last year. both second serious relationship for us after divorce. he has expressed i load the dishwasher incorrectly as i didn’t have one previously. as he said the way i load it , it doesn’t clean dishes correctly. he also hates the way i dry clean clothes. i prefer a clothes horse winter and occasionally in the summer i used to put them on the washing line. he said he only uses a clothes rack in thr winter when the weather is bad. i did just fine for years raising a family before i met him so i just ignore him as mr.perfect does things that piss me off too. i jus dont let them irritate me. so it came to a head recently when he commented that washing should be out the the line. i lost it. i told him i wont be washing a single item of his clothes anymore nor doing any more dishes etc will be buying separate laundry basket and washing of my own separately.

mcmooberry · 20/06/2025 15:12

That sounds very annoying, my DH is like that about the dishwasher. Although, having said that if it's a heatwave where you are today, no reason not to put the clothes, or especially towels or bedding, outside on the washing line.

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2025 15:14

Christ is he my ex!? 😂 I had a long list of rules like this - can only shop at Asda even though I prefer Sainsbury’s because it’s a mile closer. Don’t let the water fall on the back of the sink. Squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom. We can only have pie once a week - and shepherds pie/cottage pie counts as pie. Mash only twice a week. No takeaways, no ‘foreign food’, no BBQ. Only use one of the acceptable 5 teatowel, even though we have new ones. We need to have at least 20 toilet rolls in the house. My DD can’t play in the garden from sep - March in case she damages the grass. We must heat plates for food and use a teapot at every meal.
there is plenty more!

this stuff damages you. please be very very careful.

AlphaApple · 20/06/2025 15:15

Neither of you are right or wrong but if you can't learn to communicate well or compromise then you're not going to live happily together.

Bananalanacake · 20/06/2025 15:16

He's a partner not a husband, can't you have a relationship without living together, then you could do what you want all the time.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 20/06/2025 15:17

Do you enjoy living with him? He sounds dull, it might be better to have your own property and financial security and just date the man if he enhances your life. He can do his own house drudgery without you getting involved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2025 15:19

i wont be washing a single item of his clothes anymore nor doing any more dishes etc

Good, he will eventually learn that he can want you to do the task, or have opinions on how the task is done, but not both. He's not your manager, you're not staff.

There is a group of men with borderline OCD and controlling ways that have made the lives of several of my friends hell. Be careful.

myplace · 20/06/2025 15:21

We have some of this. I am driven into rule creating to push back against some unhealthy habits of his. He is unthinking about certain systems that make life run more smoothly.

He is fixed in outlook about certain things. Over 35 years of marriage, I have more rules and he’s let a few go. But it takes patience, determination, and a calm insistence on things that really matter, with grace about things that don’t.

But I have my own laundry basket he isn’t allowed to touch.

TwistedWonder · 20/06/2025 15:22

Hmm although it might sound a few minor things, I’d be concerned it’s a red flag to him being controlling and it will slowly ramp up now you’re living v together.

Tread very carefully and keep your eyes open for more ‘ rules’ he wants to introduce.

pikkumyy77 · 20/06/2025 15:23

Why put up with this?

myplace · 20/06/2025 15:23

Interrogate the ‘ways’ and check he doesn’t have a good point. Adopt his good habits and teach him yours.

Drying laundry inside is a serious worry for those of us who’ve had an issue with mould in previous properties.

FutureCatMum · 20/06/2025 16:48

You probably won’t want to hear this, but what he’s saying is actually quite sensible.
I had a relative load my dishwasher once and Ive never seen so many things in there. They came out filthy. So it created more work for me to rewash them all.
And why wouldn’t you put washing out on the line in this weather?
The bigger point is why isn’t he doing these jobs? If you live together then the dishwasher could be his job and he can do it however he likes. You don’t have to. Similarly with the washing. Sounds like he needs to pull his weight more and then there’s nothing to complain about.

louderthan · 20/06/2025 17:11

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2025 15:14

Christ is he my ex!? 😂 I had a long list of rules like this - can only shop at Asda even though I prefer Sainsbury’s because it’s a mile closer. Don’t let the water fall on the back of the sink. Squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom. We can only have pie once a week - and shepherds pie/cottage pie counts as pie. Mash only twice a week. No takeaways, no ‘foreign food’, no BBQ. Only use one of the acceptable 5 teatowel, even though we have new ones. We need to have at least 20 toilet rolls in the house. My DD can’t play in the garden from sep - March in case she damages the grass. We must heat plates for food and use a teapot at every meal.
there is plenty more!

this stuff damages you. please be very very careful.

So glad to read he is an ex!!

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2025 18:37

yes thank god @louderthan- it got very controlling. If my DD didn’t eat the crusts off her sandwiches he would complain about her wasting food - I used to give him money to cover it. I wasn’t ever allowed to buy a shopping bag. He wouldn’t help me carry it though, he always walked ahead of me by 10 feet. And he refused to put the heating on in the house when he wasn’t there - even though DD (about 8 at the time) had just got back from school, I’d just got in from a hard job outside and it was reading 10 degrees in the house.
if it wasn’t for the wonderful people on MN I might not have seen it for how bad it got in the end - they were there every step of the way.

Bimblebombles · 20/06/2025 18:51

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2025 15:14

Christ is he my ex!? 😂 I had a long list of rules like this - can only shop at Asda even though I prefer Sainsbury’s because it’s a mile closer. Don’t let the water fall on the back of the sink. Squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom. We can only have pie once a week - and shepherds pie/cottage pie counts as pie. Mash only twice a week. No takeaways, no ‘foreign food’, no BBQ. Only use one of the acceptable 5 teatowel, even though we have new ones. We need to have at least 20 toilet rolls in the house. My DD can’t play in the garden from sep - March in case she damages the grass. We must heat plates for food and use a teapot at every meal.
there is plenty more!

this stuff damages you. please be very very careful.

You poor thing - he sounds awful! Reminds me of my friend's ex husband who used to insist on having absolutely screaming-hot plates for every meal, like he'd put them in the oven at the same time the food was cooking and my friend said the food would almost sizzle when it was put on the plates and that was the only acceptable way to do it 😂

iamnotalemon · 20/06/2025 19:57

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2025 18:37

yes thank god @louderthan- it got very controlling. If my DD didn’t eat the crusts off her sandwiches he would complain about her wasting food - I used to give him money to cover it. I wasn’t ever allowed to buy a shopping bag. He wouldn’t help me carry it though, he always walked ahead of me by 10 feet. And he refused to put the heating on in the house when he wasn’t there - even though DD (about 8 at the time) had just got back from school, I’d just got in from a hard job outside and it was reading 10 degrees in the house.
if it wasn’t for the wonderful people on MN I might not have seen it for how bad it got in the end - they were there every step of the way.

I’m so glad you got out of that relationship, it sounds awful!

WarmthAndDepth · 20/06/2025 20:12

It's not about the particulars of the rules though; it's about the fact that he somehow feels it's reasonable to become impatient and snappy with you for not doing things 'his way'. It shows that he thinks you should do things his way, and has little respect for you or your way of doing things. My partner also has a weird and oppressive 'his ways'-streak and I have had to be very sharp with him: literally nobody else in my life would presume to get moody or cross with me about anything, ever; not my DC, nor my boss, no client, no colleague. It's just weird. Stand your ground, OP.

GreySkyAtNight · 20/06/2025 20:12

I think you need to divide up who does what and stay in your own lanes 😁

TomatoSandwiches · 20/06/2025 20:22

You don't have to live with him.

Bittenonce · 20/06/2025 23:59

On the plus side - he’s not the controlling OCD tyrant @OrlandointheWilderness had to put up with. But…
I think that for many people, being single means not having to compromise or moderate your behaviour. Living with someone necessarily means you do both compromise on the what, how, when. You both need to learn to change if this is going to work.

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2025 05:36

Why are you doing his laundry?

Presumably, he managed before you moved in?

Lindajonesjustcantlivemylife · 21/06/2025 06:28

Leave him to do things his way and wave bye bye 🙋

rwalker · 21/06/2025 06:41

Well the 2 examples you’ve given you are in the wrong
dishwashers don’t t clean if loaded badly and it’s ridiculous hanging washing up inside in good weather

heartsinvisiblefury · 21/06/2025 07:27

rwalker · 21/06/2025 06:41

Well the 2 examples you’ve given you are in the wrong
dishwashers don’t t clean if loaded badly and it’s ridiculous hanging washing up inside in good weather

The OP is an adult who has managed these things on her own very well without assistance. If she chooses to load the dishwasher in a way she chooses and she unloads it then if anything isn’t washed then it’s on her. She also has the autonomy to decide where and how she dries her washing. If he was having to bring the washing in and fold it etc he may be able to have some input but if not he needs to mind his own.

Joe7t8 · 21/06/2025 07:39

To be honest, if is quite important that dishwashers are loaded correctly to make sure everything gets washed. And why wouldn’t you dry clothes outside in the summer? Fresh-air dried clothes smell and feel lovely and it stops your house getting damp.

However if he’s telling you this in a way that you think is condescending or that you just don’t like after years of independent living, then maybe co-habiting is not right for you as a couple.

Daisydiary · 21/06/2025 07:46

Nowhere near as bad as some of these but DH thinks the dishwasher is his domain as he grew up with one and I didn’t. Well, made a rod for his own back there. He is dishwasher king now. Never load it, never empty it. Works for me! Same with ironing, which bizarrely, I quite enjoy. The only person he trusts to iron a shirt is his mum. So now he goes to work in crumpled shirts 🤣 We’re broadly happy otherwise and each do loads of other things around the house, but please! I can use a dishwasher and iron as well as the next person. Don’t like how I do it? Do it yourself!