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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do

41 replies

Rable5 · 20/06/2025 08:19

Content warning, concerns SA and DV. (added my MNHQ)
Last night after a lovely date night me and my husband went to bed out on tv he fell asleep then I fell asleep. He woke me trying to have sex with me I said no and he tried to force me saying he’d be quick I said no and he got very aggressive. Tried to stick it in me when he failed as I was pushing him off telling him to stop and leave me alone, he turned me over and started hitting slapping whacking my backside I was screaming with the pain and he wouldn’t stop until I finally managed to get out of the bed. I was sobbing in pain on the floor scared to move, so called my son to come pick me up. My backside was so sore so I looked and it is battered and bruised and cut he hit me that hard. I stayed at my sons and this morning he is messaging saying he doesn’t remember… he is ashamed and he needs me to help him. I am in pain to sit down I am so confused I don’t know what to do?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2025 08:32

Oh goodness I’m so sorry that happened to you. So frightening and distressing.

But yes the first person is right. That’s sexual assault and, well, assault.

It’s a massive understatement to say that for me that’s a deal breaker.

CuriousKangaroo · 20/06/2025 08:32

So sorry, OP. You need support from a professional in the first instance. And maybe go to see your GP. You may not want to go to the police, now or ever, but it’s worth having a professional note it down in case you later do.

But please do not go back to a man who tried to rape you and then seriously assaulted you when he couldn’t.

Gyh863 · 20/06/2025 08:34

Call the police. Sorry you had to go through that x

screwyou · 20/06/2025 08:38

He tried to rape you and then physically assaulted you instead. Is this a one off or does he have form for being an abuser? Either way there is no excuse, you need to get away from him and stay safe. Can you stay at your Sons for now?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2025 08:38

Call the police and get your injuries documented. You are no longer safe to be around your H. He does not need you to help him either. That is also a bad sign.

What happened to you was not your fault in any way nor did you drive him to doing this to you. This is all on him and his sole responsibility.

VoodooQualities · 20/06/2025 08:41

Stay at your son's and tell him not to contact you. Any contact must be initiated by you, at a time of your choosing, when you have had chance to process what happened to you. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it must have been terrifying.

rainbowstardrops · 20/06/2025 08:45

I’d call the police and tell him to fuck off. For good.
If he’s saying he doesn’t remember it (bullshit) then what’s stopping him from doing it again?

Hoardasurass · 20/06/2025 08:46

Please phone the police and don't go back home. He will hurt you worse next time or actually rape you instead of just trying to rape you.

Original poster
Rable5 · 20/06/2025 08:49

We have been together for 5 years only married 11 months this is the first time this has happened.. he keeps saying he can’t remember what he did messaging me this morning constantly asking what happened he had ha few drinks but that’s no excuse is it and he thinks he was asleep???

OP posts:
VoodooQualities · 20/06/2025 08:50

Right now, whether he remembers it or not is irrelevant to your immediate situation. It happened, it could happen again.

If it's true he doesn't remember it, then it's some sort of mental episode. If it's not true, then he's a rapist and a liar. But right now, it doesn't matter and you don't need to think about it. Either way, you'd be in danger if you were near him.

CuriousKangaroo · 20/06/2025 08:51

Just to add to my previous post, he absolutely does remember. He is lying. He is a violent, lying, attempted rapist.

How can he both be ashamed and need your help but also not remember? He’s lying. He is messaging you to say he doesn’t remember to try to limit what evidence you have. It will eventually become a full blown denial if you go back to him, once he feels certain you can’t or won’t report it. And then it or something like it will happen again, once he knows you won’t leave him over it. He is really dangerous.

Hoardasurass · 20/06/2025 08:52

He wasn't asleep nor dose he have amnesia he's just claiming to so you won't report him to the police and to try and manipulate you into forgiving him, going back home and allowing his physical, sexual and emotional abuse to continue and escalate. Please block him and call the police

TomatoSandwiches · 20/06/2025 08:54

You don't need to help him in any way shape or form how dare he.

You do need to report him and you do need to leave him.

I'm so sorry op.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2025 08:55

Him not remembering (he does, that’s a lie) doesn’t make it any better does it?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 20/06/2025 08:56

Rable5 · 20/06/2025 08:49

We have been together for 5 years only married 11 months this is the first time this has happened.. he keeps saying he can’t remember what he did messaging me this morning constantly asking what happened he had ha few drinks but that’s no excuse is it and he thinks he was asleep???

It's highly unlikely this came out of nowhere ie he's abusive but he's escalating. You need to block him for the time being and get advice on how to move forward. He wasn't asleep OP.

merrymelody · 20/06/2025 08:58

There’s no way he doesn’t remember! This man is dangerous - please stay as far from him as possible.

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/06/2025 09:03

@Rable5 you are married and now he has you where he wants you .
”normal” people don’t behave this way .
Look back op has there been any other behaviours leading up to this?
How many drinks had he had ?
How long had he been asleep?

Don’t fall for his crap . Leave the home for good and /or get him arrested and he will have to leave the home.
This will escalate !

teenmaw · 20/06/2025 09:08

He can remember and knows exactly what he did. And if he genuinely doesn’t that’s even worse and he’d need to completely stop drinking to make sure this never happens again. Will he do that? Doubt it. This man has a nasty streak and I hope you don’t hang around to witness it again. Definitely report him, husband or not…so sick of men doing this stuff and getting away with it 🤬 Hope you’re ok

sameshizz · 20/06/2025 09:08

do a Claire’s law request . Bet this isn’t the first time he’s done stuff like this to other women .

healthybychristmas · 20/06/2025 09:15

Of course he remembers! That is the oldest excuse in the book. He tried to rape you and then hit you so hard you have bruises. You really need to talk to the police about this.

MischiefandMayhemManaged · 20/06/2025 09:17

YOu need to never and i mean NEVER go back to him. Call the police and the GP, you need evidence of the bruises.
this was assault and attempted rape.

Im so sorry OP,

Please call womens aid, or the domestic violence help line.

Daleksatemyshed · 20/06/2025 09:24

He wasn't asleep and he remembers perfectly well Op, he's already making up his story incase you go to the police, which you should do. Go to your Dr or a&e so your injuries can be on record because he'll deny causing those as well. I'm afraid him wanting your help is more of the same, he'll say you couldn't be afraid of him if you went home to him

CuriousKangaroo · 20/06/2025 10:06

sameshizz · 20/06/2025 09:08

do a Claire’s law request . Bet this isn’t the first time he’s done stuff like this to other women .

I don’t think a Clare’s Law request is necessary. The OP knows exactly what he did to her. It makes no difference if he did it to others too.

But also, a clear Clare’s Law disclosure means very little, it just means no one else has reported him. We know how few women feel able to report. It may be helpful at the start of a relationship, but the only “evidence” OP needs in order to know what he is like, is what he has done to her.

AppleOfMyThirdEye · 20/06/2025 10:19

You do not go back.

you take photos and write everything down. You very strongly consider taking that evidence to the police, along with screenshots of his messages.

this relationship is over.

next is more physical abuse, more sexual assault.