What should I do

[Rable5]

Content warning, concerns SA and DV. (added my MNHQ)
Last night after a lovely date night me and my husband went to bed out on tv he fell asleep then I fell asleep. He woke me trying to have sex with me I said no and he tried to force me saying he’d be quick I said no and he got very aggressive. Tried to stick it in me when he failed as I was pushing him off telling him to stop and leave me alone, he turned me over and started hitting slapping whacking my backside I was screaming with the pain and he wouldn’t stop until I finally managed to get out of the bed. I was sobbing in pain on the floor scared to move, so called my son to come pick me up. My backside was so sore so I looked and it is battered and bruised and cut he hit me that hard. I stayed at my sons and this morning he is messaging saying he doesn’t remember… he is ashamed and he needs me to help him. I am in pain to sit down I am so confused I don’t know what to do?

It’s so difficult isn’t it when you’ve made plans booked holidays etc the whole world is turned upside down 😢 thank you everyone for helping me understand this

He tried to rape you and then assaulted you. He is dangerous and abusive. You need to call the police, make a report, have your injuries reported and then press charges. You deserve justice for what he has done to you. Don't listen to his crocodile tears. He is not sorry for what he did, he is now worried you will report him and he will be punished and he is trying to manipulate you. Be strong, don't fall for his shit!

It doesn't matter why he did it, whether he remembers or not, whether he was drunk or asleep.
None of this matters.
What matters is that he's capable of sexual and physical violence. With this man you will forever live in the fear of it happening again. Whatever triggered it, you're not safe.

When someone is hurt, the hurt can be caused by many things.
It can be a coincidence, bad luck, just being in the wrong place at the wrong time (you're on a walk in the forest and a tree branch falls down and hits you in the head).
It can be a direct consequence of someones actions, but those actions had no harmful intentions (I open the door and accidentally hit my husband in the nose with the door)
It can be due to a malicious intention where the person knew he was causing harm but didn't care or even liked it.

Why do we make these distinctions? Because people should only be punished for the third kind, or the second when there is negligence involved (let's say I've already broken my husbands nose twice and I still haven't learned to knock before entering).

But for you, the victim, it makes zero difference whether the harm he caused you falls into the second or third category. You've been hurt, seriously hurt. And the only question you need to answer is what you can do to make sure you're never hurt like this again. He can't offer you those guarantees.

@CuriousKangaroo I knew someone would jump on this . I merely advised it just in case the OP was in any doubt that his claims of ‘not remembering’ it were true or that she might persuade herself it’s a ‘one off’ .

I wasn’t trying to jump on it. I just wanted the OP to be aware that a clear Clare’s Law application doesn’t change what happened. I don’t want her husband to get into her head and make her think it’s just her or try to make her feel like she is overreacting. I actually do agree that men who do this also do this to others. But so many women, understandably, don’t report, that Clare’s Law applications don’t necessarily give a proper sense of how dangerous they are.

How old is your son and how did he react when he came to pick you up?
Does he have an idea as to what has happened?
And sod anything planned. After 11 months he has shown you who he is - a rapist.
If your son hadn’t come to get you, you would not be getting an apology today, either.

What's your housing situation, in your name/ joint names?

You really need to leave him, he's badly assaulted you, you won't be able to trust him again.

He can't deny that it happened, because you have physical proof of his rape and violence. He can't say that it wasn't him because only you two were there so he had gone for the 'I must have had amnesia/blacked out' defense. You know that he knew what he was doing and that he could do this again. Please call the police and contact a domestic violence/abuse charity, such as Women's Aid, Refuge or Rights of Women.

Update : so I called police as he wouldn’t voluntarily leave the house, they came and arrested him. They have since let him out on bail with conditions to not contact me and stay away from house. Now my dilemma is do I take it further and get him charged with assault and attempted rape? The thing is I am such a nice person I don’t want trouble for anyone, I know it is over after this and I’m heart broken so my head is completely all over the place. The doubt and questioning of my self is starting to set in. I have asked family for advice and help and although they are all here to support me they are saying it’s my decision and I just want someone to tell me what to do. Am I exaggerating the situation was it a one off was it a moment of madness? My youngest son who is not his is so upset I just don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep or eat it’s constantly on my mind I’m worried financially. Help please

@Rable5I’m glad you went to the police. If it makes it any easier , the police may decide to charge him anyway.
Hope you’re ok.

OP, you got away this time.You were extremely lucky.

This man is dangerous. Claiming he “can’t remember” serious assault on you?

Get away from him asap, he’s capable of killing you. Given a chance he’ll put his hands on your neck next time.

Absolutely press charges. Save yourself and other women from this monster

OP I know this is all scary and you just want it to go away and wish it had never happened. I understand that - but the fact is, it did happen, and that's not going to change. Therefore you have to deal with the situation as it is, not as you would like it to be. He has shown himself to be a dangerous man.

You are not exaggerating, you are not making it up. Perhaps you are fortunate he stopped when he did this time. You also have a young son to look after and protect. That means keeping him away from this violent man who has no self control.

It is understandable you feel very upset and overwhelmed, but all the practical issues such as money can be sorted out. There are so many women on these pages, strong, knowledgeable women who have stood where you are standing now and have gone on to make better, happier lives for themselves and their children. Some of them will be along shortly to give you good advice.

In the meantime, lose the "nice". It's not being nice to brush this all under the carpet and go back to him, and it might just get you killed. Seriously. 💕

Sending you a hug.

As someone who experienced sexual abuse whilst married, I advise you to seek help from Women's Aid or the equivalent in your local area. They are so supportive and will be able to help and advise you on your next steps.

What has happened to you can really mess with your head and you need specialist help. You will get through this. 💐

You had a lovely date night, he equates that with sex, he fell asleep and missed out so he tried to force you then hurt you badly when you didn't give in _ what does that tell you about his character Op, about his attitude to sex and women in general? If that's who he is then you won't be the first woman he's hurt and you probably won't be the last. Let the police do their job and prosecute him Op, he thinks you're nice so you'd let him get away with it, that's so wrong.
Be grateful he's not your DS real Dad, you won't need to see him again and your boy won't have that as a role model

@Rable5 will it be your choice wether to take it further or not ? What did you say to the police , have they seen your marks ?

I think if you have time , get your head a little straighter first before making a big decision .
I will be blunt though . He WILL do this to someone else !
Reporting abuse doesn’t mean you are not a nice person . It means you are a nice person who stand up for themselves and doesn’t let bad people do bad things. You hold them accountable .
I think if you are honest with everyone then let the judge and jury decide .

You need to get being "nice" out of your head. If a man attempted to rape you and left you black and blue down an alley would you be "nice"? He's a stranger because you didn't have a clue who he was.

I would look into a non molestation order, which you can fill out for free or get advice from FLOWS on Monday. Obviously I want you make a statement because he's dangerous and there should be repercussions for his behaviour. However, the process can be tough. If you decide to go through with it get lots of support.

Discuss it with FLOWS or a domestic abuse organisation.