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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really sad that my marriage seems to have gone predictably dull and passionless

31 replies

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 16:27

(Am regular btw but know people from MN and don't want to be identified.)

Having a hard time with my dh right now. Nothing bad has happened. We haven't rowed very much. For the past couple of months he's been getting progressively quieter and quieter - now we're down to one-word answers quite often, or the Dreaded no reply, not even a grunt.

I don't seem to be able to interest him. If I try to start a conversation, he doesn't run with it, he seems not to really notice.

The other night I was (this sounds so stupid) watching Waking the Dead and it really upset me, to the point where I had to leave the room and I couldn't even make it to another room before I broke down sobbing. I didn't do it for attention, but as I calmed down, I realized that he was sitting ten feet away through a glass door, and instead of seeing if his wife was all right, he'd opened his laptop and started working.

He's never been all that emotional. This seems odd though and quite desperately hurts. I don't know where to go from here, what to do. Don't want to keep on at him but also a loveless marriage isn't a nice place to be.

OP posts:

bubblagirl · 23/05/2008 16:40

no advise im afraid im not married but have been in situations like this with my dp

the only way forward is to talk about whats going on i know men clam up could he be under pressure at work depressed?

you will need to have the dreaded talk but i really hope things get better

we do have bouts of it being like this then we talk both make more effort and all becomes well again we just both get caught up in ourselves sometimes

as for the cryimng over tv thing my dp wouldnt come out either but would if i was genuinly upset maybe you was hoping for a responce but maybe he thought it was just silly my dp does lol

talk to him tell him how you feel

bubblagirl · 23/05/2008 16:40

i meant im not married and only been with dp 4 yrs so not quite at the same level as some long term relationships regarding how you would feel

QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 23/05/2008 16:42

My dh wouldn't react to the crying either. He is also a bit monosyllabic. I think you need to talk to him about how this is making you feel.

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 16:56

How do I talk to him, though?
I have tried, a bit. He immediately attacks. It used not to be like this. I am a strong woman normally but for a few weeks now have been feeling quite cowed by him.
Something has changed and I can't put my finger on what it is and I don't know what to do.
I thought it might be work so made extra effort to be interested and he was happy to talk and it all seems ok.
I thought he might be feeling unwell (virus or something) and tried to make light of it and say I was going to look after him and then later he told me he'd felt under attack from me????? Iw as just trying to be jolly.
He usually gives me a cuddle if I cry at something, where has that person gone?

OP posts:

noddyholder · 23/05/2008 17:00

How did you talk and communicate your feelings etc before you were married with kids?

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 17:00

Do you think he might be having an affair
This is often one of the signs - withdrawing emotionally from your partner. I don't necessarily mean a physical affair.

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:03

noddy usually I would bring something up and say my piece and he'd either get narked or not and it would go from there. I know it's not perfect but it worked for us. We are both reasonable people and don't want to fight so it would be a bit of minor strife then resolution.

CD fuck this has occurred to me but I am keeping that as a very last resort reason for now. Despite the reams of threads on here.

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CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 17:04

sorry
I don't want to worry you any more than you are

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:05

BTW it's amazing how much my confidence has been knocked
I didn't know how much I depend on him as a friend as much as anything

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Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:06

Oh that's ok
I'd have to be a tit not to have thought of it
You didn't worry me

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CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 17:06

It's just if he used to comfort you when you were upset and now he doesn't that shows either that he is to pre-occupied with himself (depressed?? Stress at work?) or his affections lie elsewhere...

foothesnoo · 23/05/2008 17:07

What else is goig on in your lives? Do you think he might be depressed? How are things at work? Do you have money issues/ family strains that might be getting to him? 40? mid life stuff?

HAve you asked him what the matter is?

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 17:07

It could just be htat he has a crush on someone type thing iykwim

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 17:08

oh god yes
If he has recently turned 40 then that might explain it
they go mad

NotABanana · 23/05/2008 17:10

I am thinking he might be depressed more than being unfaithful.

If he won't talk, try sending him a card or letter, remind him how much you love him, what you have together, remember when....? explain you are worried about him and your relationship and does he want to work together at getting the spark back.

Just my thoughts. Hope you work it out.

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:11

I can't think of anything stressful going on
I mean the usual stresses about kids and such
We don't have a lot of money but we are ok
I think his work is fine

I tried a couple of weeks ago to find out if he was ok and now he knows I don't think he is, it has got worse

OP posts:

foothesnoo · 23/05/2008 17:15

Did he say he was ok? Sounds as though he's working hard if he's doing it at home at gone 9.00.

What about going out, neutral terrritory, bit of food and wine and the 'I'm really worried about you' approach.

NotABanana · 23/05/2008 17:16

Is he ill? Has he recently been to the GP?

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:20

He doesn't like the "i'm worried about you" line - he said he felt attacked (I don't understand why....help.....)

He is not keen to go out with me. I get "Ye-e-es" when I sugest it. I'm really asking on here because I've tried this sort of thing and am not having any success. It's so sad.

I haven't tried a damn good seeing to. TBH I'd be even sadder if that's what it took to get him to like me again.

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foothesnoo · 23/05/2008 17:26

What's your instinct scooter? Do you think he's seeing someone else? Does he have the opportunity?

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:29

My instinct is that he's not, but then, I've read enough on here to know that anything's possible.
For now I am going with 'he's not'

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Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:30

(If it as me reading this I would be going 'for sure he's shagging someone else' but please humour me!)

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madamez · 23/05/2008 17:32

Has anything changed recently? Ie has either of you taken on extra work, or got a new pet or a new hobby, or has something dramatic happened to a friend or relative? For instance, if a friend has lost hi/her job or become ill or had an accident, that can cause a person to worry out of all proportion.
However, if your partner has always been reserved, the more you try to get him to talk about his feelings, the more he will withdraw and get annoyed. It may be that the best thing to do is be generally nice but unconcerned, ie act as if you are happy (not just putting up with his moods, but happy) and he may relax: but the real benefit of acting as though you are happy and your happiness is not dependent on his moods, is that you begin to feel happier and stronger.

foothesnoo · 23/05/2008 17:35

So.....options are:

Big talk where you lay it on the line about how his behaviour has changed and how it is affecting you and upsetting you. Maybe he's not aware of it and has just got into a pattern of making zero effort with you?
Tell him in a more lighthearted way that you feel you've got into a rut, you need to see more of each other, arrange some nights out/ time together. Try and breathe some life back into the relationship. This is a lot for you to do alone though.
Ride it out see if it's a temporary blip that wil improve. Give him space.

Original poster

FutureScooter · 23/05/2008 17:38

Yes good advice here
Thanks
I am off to meet him now, no dc, not a date but some time alone
Will try to be chipper (even if feeling a bit lost)

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