DH is so angry

[AngryDH25]

I don’t know how to help DH.

He suffered some physical and emotional abuse as a child and about 18 months ago, it all came to the surface and started affecting him badly. He became very depressed, and I eventually managed to get him to start seeing a counsellor, which he has been doing every week since. His depression has improved a fair bit from what I can tell.

It has made him very angry though. I don’t feel like he takes it out on me but there is an undercurrent of anger a lot of the time. I feel myself on eggshells a little bit around him.

Last night for example, I came up to bed with our baby and I sent him a video I’d made of their first birthday. He text me back that he didn’t like it as he didn’t like how he looked in it and not to send it to anyone, I said I wouldn’t.

He came up to bed himself and he was angry. He told me about 4 times not to share the video (I wouldn’t post it online or anything like that but I would have sent it to my family but only after checking with him). I said every time that I hadn’t and wouldn’t. He said he wished I’d have told him I was going to be taking videos at the party (but I always take videos and photos and he never usually minds) and he just didn’t speak to me again for the rest of the night, we watched telly in silence.

There was also an incident a couple of weeks ago where he felt a driver was too close behind him so he drove dangerously on the motorway with me and our baby in the car and basically chased them for miles to catch up and scream at them that he had a baby in the car.

I feel awful for even posting this but i just don’t know what to do. He’s having counselling already, I love him to bits but he’s quite difficult to be around. I want to help him and support him and I don’t know what to do or if this is it forever now.

Your on eggshells around him ,he ignores you frequently,he is angry a lot ,he drives like a maniac with you and your child in the car ,he has road rage .
So as an adult you have free will to choose to stay with an abusive partner
Your child does not have that choice ,they are in the relationship with you .
This sounds like it's his personality,it's who he is ,from experience,I don't think he will change

"He’s having counselling already, I love him to bits but he’s quite difficult to be around. I want to help him and support him and I don’t know what to do or if this is it forever now."

Going through counselling is bringing back hurtful memories and buried feelings that he has not learnt to deal with and can often be emotionally difficult ( at least at first). It might be an idea to discuss with him whether he stays a night with his parents when he has feeling triggered etc

It's a question of how long are you willing to wait for it to improve.

I don’t know anyone born in the 1970’s who didn’t suffer (by today’s standards) emotional and physical abuse (we were caned and isolated in school!). My parents physically hit us often.

You can’t live on eggshells for the rest of your life. Feeling empathy for your DH is good but allowing your home to have a hostile undercurrent because of your DH’s behaviour is not something you should accept.

There's a certain irony in driving dangerously with a baby in the car just to remonstrate with someone who you think was driving dangerously. I think while he's having therapy I'd get some distance in the relationship while he's dealing with these feelings and perhaps live apart temporarily because it's not right that the fallout effects you or the child. It may even be a wake up call to make him realise how difficult he is to be around.

Abuse often escalates with life milestones - marriage, childbirth etc. Abusers will allow more of their abusive sides to come out when they think you're too invested or too dependent on them to leave. It sounds like this may be what's happening here.

I hope you're refusing to allow him to drive anywhere with the baby in the car (and refusing to allow him to drive you too, but the baby's safety is obviously the priority). You must have been terrified. You can find checklists online to help you understand if you're in an abusive relationship, or you can ring Women's Aid and talk with them.

Can you have a rational conversation with him about this? Whilst it is totally normal for feelings of anger to result from the processing of childhood trauma, it is not ok for him to play out those feelings on you. He needs to discuss this with his therapist and come up with some coping strategies. If he cannot do that you need to get some distance whilst he sorts himself out. You are not his emotional punchbag.

I'm really sorry OP. I don't think this is his childhood catching up with him and overwhelming him. I think he is an abuser who has escalated his abuse now you have a baby.

His anger simmering away is a form of control by threat, and the erratic driving on the motorway is textbook abusive behaviour.

Please read Why Does He Do That and trust your gut... This isn't right and it isn't safe and you and baby deserve better.

I did think that about the dangerous driving. He was upset someone was putting him and his family in danger so put them in danger himself to go and have a good shout at them. I don't know how you've moved past that. He put your lives at risk, an accident can happen in a split second, a driver can lose control. I would never forgive that.

How on earth would you know this?! I would think the op has a better idea of why her DH is behaving this way than someone on the internet that's never met him, and may or may not be projecting!

Op, have you tried to talk to him about this when he's in a calmer state of mind? Like a PP said, maybe you could try and get some distance for a while while he works through things with his counsellor. You imply his behaviour prior to this was good?

@YinYangalang I was born in the late 60s and didn't suffer any kind of abuse. Saying it was the norm 'by today's standards' is false. Speaking as someone with safeguarding training, we have a better understanding today of what constitutes abuse and neglect and it does not correspond with standard parenting styles of the 70s and earlier. I agree with your second paragraph, though.

@AngryDH25 I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It may well be that your husband's anger is a consequence of his mistreatment as a child. Do you think he should be passing that mistreatment onto you and your child?

Therapy for a traumatic childhood is a horrible experience. He'll be reliving it, processing it, trying to understand his worth, find his boundaries, desperate not to allow anyone else to make him feel like that again. He will he experiencing heightened emotions and these may extend way beyond Therapy sessions.

However, his response to it isn't acceptable and is untenable.

Presably, you've talked about this with him. What does he say? Does he see the anger?

I've referred to therapy but you say he's having counselling. Counselling isn't as effective for trauma because it works differently. It brings up all the issues and supports the individual to find their own solutions. It sounds like this has brought it all to the surface for him but hasn't given him any tools to deal.with it so he's just living with the emotions and memories. Maybe a conversation with him which acknowledges all of this and suggests a different approach might help.

Ultimately, and if he isn't prepared to address it, you will have to rethink being in a relationship with him.

If you went to a Catholic school you had a very good chance of being hit. It was just accepted . The nuns seem to love to do it.
And lock you in tiny dark cupboards for hours.
But i agree it was not all schools or homes .

I don’t know anyone born in the 1970’s who didn’t suffer (by today’s standards) emotional and physical abuse (we were caned and isolated in school!). My parents physically hit us often.

I was born in the 1970s. There is a big difference between abuse and standard parenting practices of the 70s and 80s.

OP you are probably in the wrong place for helpful advice - most people will tell you he is abusive and you should leave. The counselling is presumably bringing a lot of repressed emotions to the surface and this is where the anger comes from. Next step is needs mechanisms to be able to manage it. If he’s willing to talk about it and he recognizes he has a problem then he should discuss it with his counsellor who may be unaware. Also maybe you could discuss it with a GP or mental health professional and get advice. Equally however, don’t be naive and put yourself and child at risk. I would be prudent and have a plan to leave if it comes to that. It’s a tricky situation. Good luck.

So sorry you are in this situation OP. It sounds like his anger issues have come to the surface following his counselling but he does not sound in control of them and you are bearing the brunt. His behaviour is erratic and dangerous as shown by the car incident which must have been terrifying for you.
Please do not go in the car with him again, especially with your baby, and calmly tell him why. Also he urgently needs to discuss these anger issues with his counsellor and look into getting separate therapy on how to handle these outbursts. If you continue to feel unsafe around him please consider separating whilst he works on his issues.

The irony in him endangering the life of his wife and child in order to prove some kind of point to someone, that they endangered his wife and child. I’m sorry but did you not ask him who the hell he thinks he is!?
If he has mental health problems that’s ok. But it’s not a hall pass to treat you like shit & endanger you. And they say women are the ones who struggle to handle their emotions. He needs a wake up call.

OP
You need to work on your boundaries.
Your husband is behaving in a way that "makes sense to him with HiS version of reality " and while you can UNDERSTAND it you dont need to TOLERATE it.

Boundaries sound a bit like this:
"If you want to shout Im afraid I wont be listening to it. I'll be over in the living room watching TV, let me know when you have cooled down and want to talk calmly. Thanks" . You could also write it as a note which you give him, if you can't say the words easily.

When he's calmer you can explain you understand he gets angry but reiterate that he needs to find ways to express it that are not hurtful to others. Ie a new punchbag in the garden?

This.

💯

I wouldnt allow him to drive my child anywhere at all for the forseeable and if he doesnt address his behaviour with immediate effect I would be separating. I would also avoid leaving the baby alone with him unsupervised.

Whether he suffered abuse or not he is a husband and a father. He should be able to prioritise your safety and channel his anger elsewhere. Having counselling is not a get out card, many people seek and go through therapy without taking out difficult feelings in a way that traumatises and endangers their own family.
You need to talk to him about this OP. If you can't, are too frightened to that in itself is an indication that you are in an abusive relationship.

You need to look to the needs of yourself and your child first xxxx

Despite what some people say, give him a chance. He’s trying ….but talk to him and let him know he’s on a last chance or to find another way to release.

It’s no wonder marriages don’t last these days when the first advice is “leave”! Awful- vows mean nothing these days.

b4 anyone jumps down my throat- no it’s not ok to take abuse or give it but it’s ok to try to work out a plan without it!!

Only he will know if this is childhood abuse trauma coming out, or if he became abusive when you got pregnant, which is a common time. Either way him being abused as a child is not a reason to pass it on.

Were you together for long before you got pregnant? Was he a bit on the angry side then, or is it totally new? Lovebombing is more likely to take place over a shorter time.

Does his counsellor actually have the skills to support him? Counsellor isn’t a protected title so it would be good to check their qualifications.

It would be good if you were able to have your own therapy. I agree with PPs the car incident was utterly unacceptable, and that you could helpfully work on settling a boundary with him.

I’m so sorry, life is tough with a little baby and now you’ve not been able to rely on your DH. Just acknowledging this is a lot for you💐

At this rate he’s going to repeat history and give his own child a traumatic childhood.

Bring this to his attention and some strict ground rules. He doesn’t get a pass to be abusive or an arsehole no matter his childhood. He should speak to his therapist about how to separate the trauma of therapy with keeping his family life healthy.

‘And lock you in tiny dark cupboards for hours.’

Too much 📺 or 📽 is bad for the credulity.