DH is so angry

[AngryDH25]

I don’t know how to help DH.

He suffered some physical and emotional abuse as a child and about 18 months ago, it all came to the surface and started affecting him badly. He became very depressed, and I eventually managed to get him to start seeing a counsellor, which he has been doing every week since. His depression has improved a fair bit from what I can tell.

It has made him very angry though. I don’t feel like he takes it out on me but there is an undercurrent of anger a lot of the time. I feel myself on eggshells a little bit around him.

Last night for example, I came up to bed with our baby and I sent him a video I’d made of their first birthday. He text me back that he didn’t like it as he didn’t like how he looked in it and not to send it to anyone, I said I wouldn’t.

He came up to bed himself and he was angry. He told me about 4 times not to share the video (I wouldn’t post it online or anything like that but I would have sent it to my family but only after checking with him). I said every time that I hadn’t and wouldn’t. He said he wished I’d have told him I was going to be taking videos at the party (but I always take videos and photos and he never usually minds) and he just didn’t speak to me again for the rest of the night, we watched telly in silence.

There was also an incident a couple of weeks ago where he felt a driver was too close behind him so he drove dangerously on the motorway with me and our baby in the car and basically chased them for miles to catch up and scream at them that he had a baby in the car.

I feel awful for even posting this but i just don’t know what to do. He’s having counselling already, I love him to bits but he’s quite difficult to be around. I want to help him and support him and I don’t know what to do or if this is it forever now.

Whether he suffered abuse or not he is a husband and a father. He should be able to prioritise your safety and channel his anger elsewhere.

But he might not be able to. That's the point.

I had counselling (not therapy) several years ago for childhood trauma. I had the initial 6 weeks and she extended it for another 6. Two weeks into the second set, she cancelled it saying she couldn't help me (basically, she was a counsellor and not a therapist and didn't know how to help me). But that was it. Just cut off.

Fortunately, it wasn't first rodeo therapy wise, so I had enough skills myself to manage but it took a good 6 months before I was anything like able to cope with normal life stressors. I was all over the place and a mess. I couldn't see what was normal and what wasn't.

It could be that your DH is suffering from PTSD from his childhood abuse. This is something I have experienced and at the time I had this constant rage inside me but didn't quite understand what was causing it. I needed counselling but one who specialised in trauma, and your DH may also need a specialist trauma therapist.

I went to a Catholic school and was taught by nuns. I was never hit and neither were my class mates.

The state school was a different kettle of fish although not me.

OPs husband sounds like a shit. His history is no excuse to scare and mistreat his family.

I agree with @SwimBikeRunBake sounds like how I felt when my ptsd was really bad. It could be a fear response. When you have ptsd you are constantly reliving the trauma and feel terrified all the time.. So small things can push you into fight flight or freeze mode. You don't have much control over it at the time but you should be able to talk to him and make a plan to keep everyone safe when it happens again. Fight or flight only goes on for a max of 20 mins so you effectively just need to get him somewhere safe for that time to give him a chance to come out of it.

I'm sorry to hear that your parents hit you and that you had such a difficult childhood, but please don't assume that everyone suffered in the same way.

This is absolutely not typical in my experience, and by saying that it is you are minimising the awfulness of the dh's behaviour.

@AngryDH25 some of the comments feel harsh to me and lack an understanding of what your DH is processing right now. How anyone can marginalise it by saying it was 70's life is a joke! It sounds a lot deeper than that.

Can you have a chat with him and ask him what triggers his anger so you can help and avoid certain things? Like the video what is causing him pain about it. Tell him you want to help and help him be less angry. Explain how its affecting you and that your baby feels it too. Tell him you love him. Would this alone trigger him or does he have times when he isnt angry?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe take some time out yourself if you can - go visit and stay with your family or friends with baby and leave him at home. Tell him why you're taking time out. You can't walk on eggshells whilst he's constantly angry. Tell him you love him and will call/video call every day.

Good luck. Going through mental anguish is horrible. He won't want to be like he is but he is rightly angry about whats happened to him. He needs to direct the anger at something inanimate or at the right people.

Whilst I do feel sorry for your DH and the trauma he is processing, just because the reason for his anger is understood it doesnt make his abuse of you as a result, any less abusive.

I would trust your feelings on this - you were bothered enough to post and you know your DH better than any of us here. You have already been a patient and understanding partner by encouraging him to go to therapy and talking to him about his childhood experiences.

You don’t need to carry out the generalised feelings of some posters that marriages don’t last long enough these days. If you are not feeling safe, you absolutely have every right as a parent of a helpless baby to insist on a safe environment.

I would start confiding in your family and friends about what’s going on. Call Women’s Aid for guidance on how to stay safe.

Two conditions can exist at once. People can be suffering the effects of trauma and also be dangerous and abusive as well.

Yours is just one of several excellent comments on this thread; @GreyCarpet is another wise contributor.

@AngryDH25 You have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to be the target of your DH's anger. Your DH needs help, and good therapy or a supportive men's group may be the right place. If he exposes his feelings of anger in front of other (supportive) men, he may find the strength to direct them without harming you or your child; I'm talking emotional harm here, but if there's any sign of physical harm, then please get to a place of safety. The problem is, of course that he has to use his own feet to take him there.

This situation makes me so sad.

Thank you all for your responses.

I really don’t think it’s abuse. I think he’s just struggling and this is how it’s coming out.

I didn’t really know there was a difference between counselling and therapy but we did really look to try and find the right person to speak to, they have a masters and registered with is it BACP? And more specialist training in this kind of abuse.

I wish he would go to one of the men’s support groups I’ve tried to get him to but he doesn’t like the idea, I think part of the problem is he doesn’t have any male friends or family he can turn to or talk to and I wish he did.

I haven’t really talked to him about it, not properly, I can’t bring anything even remotely difficult up at the minute, there’s never a good time, he gets angry and says he’s tired after work or says I will ruin the weekend etc. that’s what I mean about eggshells, I’m swallowing so much because I don’t want to trigger him, even normal things. It was my birthday and he didn’t buy me a card until extremely last minute, and when I said it hurt my feelings he flew off into a massive rage about it and got quite nasty with me, twisting everything and trying to score points in every which way he could just to “win” the argument. We have the same conversation every year because he does the same thing and he has never been like that before.

I feel so awful but I just miss my lovely DH so much. Some moments are okay but even when they’re okay I feel like there’s always the angry elephant in the room.

What was he like before abuse came to light /counselling? If there was no red flags or anger or anything before is a very different matter to some warning signs.

Trauma and hurt are toxic

The video was probably full of happiness and love and a possibility is it might make him wonder why he 'wasn't enough' to be kept safe and loved which make him resent himself ?

Is it possible for you to attend a Councillor with him , explain the new found rage and work out ways to support him ?

He is possibly going to be angry for a while but certain things aren't okay such as the driving, raging at you

Hi OP. This sounds tricky. From what I've heard, I don't agree with the above and I would not escalate like this. but maybe you could bring up that car situation. I can imagine my DP in this situation and would also want to be able to stay with him and support him as you clearly want to. Childhood trauma is so so damaging but people do come out the other end wih a bit of help.

What others said about abuse being hard to relive is true, he will be going through a whole lot and probably angry at himself too about all of this. But it's hard for you tpo. It sounds like you love and want to support him. Maybe a convo about all of this would be good - or perhaps couples therapy a bit further down the line. It may be a tricky time for a bit but maybe that's worth it for your marriage and family for you - up to you to see how it evolves etc.

I would also echo someone saying therapy is better than counselling - the former can really open things up and help you deal with it at a deeper, liberating level while the latter can bring it up without the depth to fully process it in self awareness. I think in these cases very high quality therapy that works with the whole body can be good (e.g. core processing therapy) rather than something that tries to solve overthinking with more thinking. Maybe you could do with some therapy to help you cope with this difficult period!

Not sure that's helpful and there's so much we don't know but this sounds hard and must be sad for you with a newborn that you'd probably like to enjoy with him. Big hug and hope you can sort it out.

Counselling could make trauma worse. If that's what it is then I hugely recommend emdr therapy.

How do we find an Emdr one @AngryDH25 ? I'm interested in this for myself?

I went through the NHS so I probably won't be much help. Sorry. In case it helps I accessed it through the self referral pathway for mental health stuff. If you think you have ptsd you need to say you are having panic attacks otherwise they just triage you to some anxiety self help stuff.

And what happens if he kills them all in a road accident?

It absolutely IS abuse

And you have a newborn in the middle of it

Put them first